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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help. My husband refuses to talk to me. It all started last week when he was offered a new job. He waited until coming to bed at midnight to say "I can't believe you haven't even said well done for getting a new job" I was so taken aback and obviously half asleep that I defended myself by saying how I had congratulated him earlier in the week and he was being unfair.He continued to say I never show him any appreciation, I take money for granted, I am happy to take love but never give it back. I hit back by saying that since my dad died (a month ago) he has never asked how I'm coping or how I'm feeling. He screamed at me to **** off and slammed the door to go into the spare room . When i followed he said I was all the names under the sun and told me to leave him alone. The noise woke the children so I was left with them crying about mummy and daddy fighting. To put everything into perspective, my father died unexpectedly a month ago after a routine operation. My husband was a complete saviour to me and my family. He stayed with my dad in intensive care and gave us all the support we needed. What I was meaning when I said that he hadn't asked how i was feeling was just that......it's as is it's all done and dusted and we have to move on now, but I need time and I'm still grieving. He hasn't spoken to me since (6 days) and when i try to approach him he says for 14 years I've been selfish, I don't appreciate him, I have no ambition, hobbies or interests and as long as he provides me with financial support and a cosy life, I don't care about anyone else. He said he gave up 2 weeks of his life to be with my family and I don't care. I don't know what to do but how do I get him to talk and why is he behaving like this when I am so low.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): You know, I'll tell you what will work with me. I my gf/wife is going through the same thing you're going through, and I acted the way your husband did, I would send him this comment you made here. After he's read it, let him confront you and talk things through.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (19 February 2006):
 To me he sounds very emotionally drained and that is the reason he is being like this. Emotional energy is very much like physical energy; it isn't infinite and when it runs down we feel snappy and we snap at the closest things to hand. He has obviously put alot of emotional energy into helping you and has moved jobs which is always a stressful time.
However, obviously you have been under alot of strain and are drained too. It is one of those situations where there isn't 'right' or 'wrong' and its very dangerous to turn it into an confrontation because things spiral and degenerate then.
My suggestion is that you both need to 'recharge' your batteries and you can do that off each other. I would suggest organising some babysitting for the kids and planning and organisising a surprise special event that both of you can enjoy; a romantic meal or a long weekend away, something like that. Tell him it is a thank-you for his support but make it something that you will both enjoy together. Hope that helps.
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