A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a man for the past few months and a few nights ago I was foolish enough to get intimate with him. After two days of not hearing from him, I attempted to contact him and he texted me saying in a nutshell that I'm a really nice woman and he had a great time with me, but that he doesn't think we should continue any further and that he was sorry.I tried to get him to explain a little further as I didn't understand but he was hesitant to explain.Eventually, he explained to me nicely but bluntly that my body wasn't really what he expected and that he actually didn't really end up liking the intimate moments we shared. He said he was just looking for someone different and didn't want to lead me on. He said I had a great face and personality, but he had to be honest and say he didn't like my body. He wasn't really a jerk in his message, but he was very apologetic so I didn't get nasty with him, in fact I didn't return his message because I didn't know what to say to that.The thing is, this exact thing happened before when I was younger, and it's a main reason why I avoided dating for so long.I had breast cancer which resulted in surgery. I have a couple nasty scars on them and my breasts don't really look 'normal'I also have some stretch marks on my tummy and cellulite on my outer thighs. I also don't have a 'big butt' as a couple of my friends have joked about before.I don't know what specifically he didn't like. He did not say and I did not ask as mentally I didn't want to go through that. I know I have flaws and I know I don't have the perfect body as I wish I had, but there is nothing I can do about my imperfections. I thought mine and his relationship was stronger than this.I am starting to think no man will accept my body but I can't do anything about it so what is someone like me to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): Given your age,I say maybe he was too young (mentally). He still has some growing up to do...We just had a convo with a guy yesterday (no much luck in the dating world).His answer? "I'm just being honest". Btw, that's the sentence I heard too in other circumstances that I won't describe here,but guess what?Sometimes "I'm just being honest"="I'm just being insensitive"NO man will answer the question "Does my ass look big in this?" honestly. Why? Coz they are no longer stupid enough to do so (and suffer the consequences)However, apart from the example given above, they seem to be pretty clueless. And also expect too much.Well,I say let him wait for his gf with the supermodel looks (IF he can even attract a girl like this),meanwhile you go out there and find yourself a substantial fella.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): Regarding your cellulite and stretch marks it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure someone has already suggested you using bio oil on the stretch marks. I've got them all over my butt and to be honest many guys actually like the tiger stripes or just don't care about the marks. Obviously I have no idea how much you have but mine are everywhere like claw marks. What I really wanted to advise you on however is that there IS a way of getting rid of the cellulite. As a beauty therapist myself I believe you could try LPG otherwise known as endermology treatment. It's a type of massage using a special machine. It not only helps you burn fat more effectively but it significantly decreases the appearance of your cellulite. I've seen the results myself and it is brilliant, definitely worth the money!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Well done to you for surviving cancer. This guy is a jerk and was just looking for an excuse to do the bolt. He wanted to use someone and I believe he would have found another reasonIf not the one he gave As for stretch marks , yes they will fade but never go completely and if the underlying skin has been stretched signifocantly it will remains stretch /loose regardless of any creams or excercise I've personallu list undergone surgery to have a tummy tuck forThat exact reason after trying everything go get rid of it and seeing over five dermatologist who explaines that there is no way to eliminate stretch marks not even one cream available . They naturally fade some ( which some put down to whatever cream they were using but it would have happened anyway but the actuall stretch part no it doesn't change .Most women get them after babies . Some women severely like I did and the skin is like a wrinkled pouch but someone whoLoves you won't careSame with the bum. A man who loves you will accept you forWho you are. In fact he will love who you are. The importbat thing is to be sure the feelings are there before the sex . So yes,'talk to him, share your fears when you feel ready and know that if he even hesitates for a moment it's a gift for you as a sign he is not the right one
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 Here's a link which may help you: http://www.breastcancer.org/questions/support
http://bcsupport.org
http://www.cancer.org/treatment/supportprogramsservices/index
Let me know when you reach out to one of these groups!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2015):
Wow, you had breast cancer quite young and to have scars on both breasts, you must have decided to undergo double surgeries? How long have you been cancer-free? I hope you continue to do well physically.
I think as a breast cancer survivor you have some great resources that you can tap into. There are support groups all over the country, all kinds of people who have been through what you've been through and who are facing the same kind of body issues you face.
I would go to the social worker at your breast cancer center and describe the situation and concerns you have and she (or he) will be able to provide you with links, resources and referrals so that you find the help you need at this point in your life.
Did you do immediate reconstruction or chest expanders? Did you do double mastectomies or lumpectomies? Was there followup radiation? Or radiation prior to surgery? All of those factors impact your cosmetic results.
My sister had double mastectomies followed by tissue expanders and later on, nipple reconstruction. Her boobs look great in a bathing suit! She does have scars but then so does someone who went through a reduction or other surgeries. The key is to talk to your reconstruction surgeon, the one who can go back and repair botched scars.
Stretch marks do eventually fade and there are creams that may help; again, talk to the surgeon and see if she (or he) has any suggestions regarding that area.
Cellulite, well, I think that's a very common issue for many women and certainly nothing unusual.
It was rude of the guy to tell you that it was your body that put him off you; dating a breast cancer survivor should be enough of a clue to tell him not be that blunt about it. And if he can't cope with a less than perfect body then good riddance to him. He wouldn't be a good long term bet anyway as aging will put him off. Even though he'll be aging too, with his penis shrinking year after year, but that's for the next poor woman who winds up dating this sad sod.
You need to focus on you and accepting your body as beautiful just as it is. Being a breast cancer survivor, and meeting other breast cancer survivors, you'll know there are scars aplenty out there, and wounded psyches. One of my sister's friends went through thyroid AND breast cancer at the same time, so she had chemo for an entire year and couldn't do any reconstruction for that whole time. She walked around with a completely flat chest with no nipples whatsoever, and a huge scar on her neck as well as massive scars on her rib cage at the same time she had no hair and then super short hair. She's a survivor though and has plowed through. That's all you can do.
You deserve love and to be loved just as you are. So don't get intimate with any man until he understands the needs of a breast cancer survivor and what you are going to look like. I rather like the idea of going swimming before getting intimate. If he can't love you and your body just as it is then good riddance!
What stage and type of breast cancer did you have?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2015):
 I have a TON of scars, I was an active kid/teen which resulted in many ER visits.
I have a HUGE scar from reconstructive knee surgery on one leg and several scars on the other legs from various injuries. I have a scar on my throat ( had a huge mole removed) I have a couple of scars on one boob (same, moles removed).
And you know what? EACH tell a story. Each scar is a part of ME. My history, my life, MY experiences.
For some dude to tell you your body wasn't UP to what he expected is about as LOW as a guy can go. It would have been if you had told him, "hey I don't want to continue dating, your dick is too small". FACTS are you CAN NOT change those scars, tiger-stripes and other "imperfections", they are part of WHO you are - nor can a guy change the size of his wiener.
My guess is, HE knew ALL along that you MAY not be the right fit, but he wanted to take you for a "test drive" (as in sex) to see if he could AT LEAST use you for that.
GOOD riddance to a moron of a man! You dodged a bullet there.
My guess is, HE was NO Adonis either.
Do not let ONE rotten egg spoil life for you.
Be proud of your scars, you BEAT FREAKING cancer! What did he do? Not a goddarn thing!!
The guy has some fantasy in his head of HOW a woman should look and he is delusional about how realistic that is.
Now if he, himself were OH SO HOT, wouldn't he be able to snag a "perfect supermodel" himself? Hmmm?
Honey, DO not take his words to heart. He was and IS a moron. He was LOOKING FOR any excuse to not continue dating. Maybe he isn't capable HIMSELF to make a relationship work PAST the initial sex, so it's EASIER to "blame" the break up over your body.
Don't hide those scars. There is NOTHING to be ashamed off.
HIS LOSS - all the way.
Get back up on the horse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Totally agree with 'whencowsattack' this guy shouldn't have said what he said- you survived cancer! How amazing are you woman! I had huge stretch marks and a baby flap, and very stretched muscles all after child birth. No guy has ever had a problem with it, because by the time I got intimate, they had fallen for my personality and I felt comfortable with them that it was going somewhere. I have since had a tummy tuck - for myself not anyone else, and have a huge scar from one side of my stomach to the other. Still have loads of stretch marks on my tummy, but am happier with it now- but its way from perfect! Again, my current fella doesn't give a monkeys as long as I'm feeling good about myself- he wouldn't have cared either way. There r amazing guys out there that are waiting to meet an amazing woman like you! Xx
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 July 2015):
I'll be honest here, I don't think you should have pushed him so hard for an answer and I think he's kind of a jerk for caving also. What good can come of telling you these things? It isn't as though you can change your body or your scars. All it serves to do is lower your self esteem further which hurts you in the long run. You should be proud of yourself and your body, and your battle scars!
And yes, there are plenty of men who aren't so shallow who will want you for you. Never, ever be ashamed of who you are. Insecurity is far more unattractive than scars could ever be.
I would like you to ask yourself why you were so determined to drag an answer out of this guy when it sounds like you already suspected the reasons. Why did you need to hear that? I think you would have been better off if you just moved on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Someone will love you just the way you are.
Maybe give them a heads up about the scars in advance. Sometimes people don't know how to react.
As for your bum and tummy, well there's nothing you can do but love 'em.
You might want to go swimming first in a bikini, with your next armour. That way they see your body in its full glory. If they appreciate it, they'll stick around. If not, well at least you won't feel rejected after being intimate.
It's pretty daunting but it let's you eliminate the riff raff early on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Hi - it is interesting to read this - as I too have a couple of scars on my chest from an accident which happened a few years ago. The scars are quite big and I am vary wary when I wear tops, so I'm sure we are probably going through the same thing. I wouldn't worry too much - just try to keep your 'intimate' moments with only men you have known a while & can trust.
I would certainly not have one night stands with any random bloke - or they could say/think anything - yes it's wrong of them - but they will judge you.
I myself haven't had many 'intimate' moments with men, mainly because I don't date much in general - but I have found the few men I have had relationships with either haven't mentioned it - or were too busy trying to get on with the business 'down below' to even notice!!
I don't know if it's just the men I've dated - but I've noticed men aren't really into boobs & foreplay on the top half that much - & if they are - you just wait until you feel comfortable - preferably in the dark. That is how I have coped. So maybe it could be the same with you?
Don't let people's judgement affect you. There will always be people out there who judge - but just wait until you feel comfortable with someone & they will just accept you - for who you are. Good luck!
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