A
female
age
41-50,
*losky
writes:We are three weeks into dating, having met 3 times, there's been calls, messages and he is reliable as he initiates communication. I really like him. I have a different look to what he's normally dated, but he compliments me and says he's attracted to me. I really have no complaints other than he compares everything to the time spent withhis ex and all his exes. He was with her for a decade and she is the mother of his children who he adores, but every senerio we talk about he relates it back to when something similar happened with his ex. My gut feeling tells me he's not being malitious or doing it deliberately, as he tends not to think before he speaks but its hard for me to hear. Generally he communicates with no filter about most things anyway, but I appreciate his honesty. His goals are to get full custody of his kids, and happy living independently. He is shy and hasn't has many dating experience. Do you think this something that will phase out or am I being insecure or am I wasting my time?
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his ex, insecure, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 July 2015):
 Don't take it as a failure or loss OR that this is YOUR fault - it's NOT. The guy shouldn't BE on dating sites if he isn't READY to date.
Better "luck" next time!
A
female
reader, flosky +, writes (12 July 2015):
flosky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to reply to my question. Unfortunately things came to an end this weekend as he started to reduce contact and I saw that he was still active on the dating site we met on and when I confronted him he blocked me. Anyway in hindsight I can see he wanted his ex. We both had a similar past, he had been with his ex for ten years and had been separated for the past 5 she had cheated on him a handful of times and he still took her back and when he told me about it he would blame himself for not being there due to work. Unlike him I never spoke about my ex.I feel he felt he compensated his actions for being honest when he knows all along he wasn't over her. I guess I really liked him and hoped we could work through it but it feels like he knew all along things were not going go anywhere, never mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): Just to add one thing... my brother, whom I love dearly, unconsciously uses this "ex-g/f talk" to control his new girlfriends. They find themselves trying to reach an ideal they can never reach. And he emotionally benefits from it somehow. I've tried talking about it with him, but he says that he has no idea what i'm talking about. Too bad. Some of his former g/f were realy sweet, but none of them deserved this.
I hope your b/f is nothing like my brother in that sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): It may be possible that he is not over an ex and has the desire to continue talking about her which in itself may be therapeutic for him. At least he's mostly honest. Some men will talk about other women who they are or were interested in but never let you know the real story until you start putting two and two together. As long as he feels some attachment, he will never be really yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): It could be nerves or like you say - if he is shy maybe he doesn't know what else to talk about.
I have a brother who in public, forever turns a conversation around to who HE knows & what HE does - it's highly irritating - but I really think he doesn't know he is doing it & a lot of it is shyness, nerves & lack of social skills.
Now I'm not saying your fella is like that - but it could be that he just doesn't realise he's mentioning the ex as much as he does. I would politely just point it out next time - but politely - not in a snappy way - unless of course - he ignores you & carries on!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2015):
Urgh. I would guess is isn't aware of JUST how much he talks about her, but like Notsohappy pointed out, it's annoying and inconsiderate - and I would bring it up. We all have a past but that doesn't mean we NEED to DRAG the ex into the conversations 24/7.
It won't phase out on it's own. I think you will HAVE to bring it up. And bring it up in a way that will make him think back and go, "oh I DID talk about her way too much."
Kids he can talk about till the cows come home, that I think is great, the ex, no. I don't give a rats bum hearing about what she did/didn't, said or thought.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 I suggest you sit him down and ask: "Hunchy-Bunchy, I think you're a nice guy... AND, you're a good Dad to your kids.... BUT, I can't help but believe that you carry around your memories of your ex- and other exes.... and I wonder where I fit in the hierarchy of your thoughts. Care to let me know about that?"
'Cuz.... if he is (or continues) living "in the past"... then you're going to be spending endless time on "memory lane" with him.... and it will get boring, VERY quickly.....
Give him the option... but YOU keep the final choice to yourself....
Good luck...
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