A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 4mths now but we were really good friends for 5yrs before. He says he loves me and I believe he does (in his own way) but I am starting to question how important I may be to him (though he says I am the most important person to him). For instance, the past week. I had to have a surgery - he took the day off to take me to the hospital which was nice. I was super scared and nervous and yes, he was there with me. But 90% of the time he was there, he spent on his phone and laptop working. I know he has a deadline and his work is important, but it just undermined what I was going through and felt emotionally and mentally he was just not there for me at all. It was like this for the rest of the day.The next day, he had to leave me to go to meetings he arranged (on a Saturday!) and when he came back home, he then left me home alone for about 6hrs to go to his brother's birthday party. Of course, I understand it was his family's thing and all of this is important, but unfortunately, I had broken my phone 2 dys before so I had no contact with the outside world, nor friends and family. During this time, I ended up getting extremely sick with a terrible fever to the point I was hallucinating. When he got home nearly at midnight and tipsy, I was sick and high on fever. I actually have little memory of the night because of how ill I was but I know I was angry. To this day, he thinks I am unreasonable as he did nothing wrong. He said I could not expect him to not go to his brother's birthday or go for a short time. He also said I should have sent him a message on fb if I was really that sick. My point was that if he was genuinely concerned about me, that it should be his job to be thoughtful enough to not leave me home alone for so long, knowing I had surgery the day before and had been in so much pain etc and alone with no phone contact to the outside world. He and his brothers are ridiculously close (like nothing I have seen. They see each other practically every day) He is working with his brothers on trying to get this company off the ground. Because of this, they have been over at his house every evening till about midnight. I just stay in the bedroom so I do not get in their way. I understand that it takes a lot of time and commitment to achieve what they want, but I can not help but feel often neglected or not as important.When I speak to him, he says that he tries his very best and how he loves me and does everything for me. TO be fair, he has cooked for me, and helped me shower and made it so I do not have to leave the bed for a lot of the time. But at the same time, I do feel often neglected and third or fourth place with everything else in his life. It feels like maybe he is just not in a place where he has time for a girlfriend. Whenever I have said this, he just disagrees and says that he does his best and is there whenever I have needed him. I am also older than him, and I feel like time is too against me to waste on another wrong guy. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Ok,my opinion is slightly different,
Because I think I might have been with someone like your bf...
Not saying I was,coz you know him and your bf are 2 different people,but attitude-wise it sounds very similar.
I felt neglected too. I think you've hit on the head- it's not that he doesn't love you, he just does not have time for a relationship right now.
If he disagrees with that- that doesn't mean you have to stay.
If you are unhappy and feel neglected-leave.
It's not gonna get any better. Not at least 2-3 years from now,when the business is hopefully established and earning well, he might calm down and have more of a work-life balance.
Is he ambitious? Talented? Determined? Such guys are very attractive,but very goal orientated (in my experience!!)
Not a bad thing per se, but let's just say you are not a "goal" of his. He's already got you. He doesn't have to work towards it, it's already achieved (in his book).
His other goal-the business and being successful: that's not achieved yet. So all of his attention is concentrated on that.
He wants the success,he wants the lifestyle. I bet that if he is ambitious and dedicated he'd get it too (mine did).
The problem is-there are no guarantees that when he reaches that "goal", that "lifestyle",who is to say that he wouldn't want a new trophy wife to fit instead of you? remember image+success=very,very important to that type of guy.
He doesn't seem completely like that, BUT if he is determined and you are not a goal,you either have to leave or get used to not being his priority right now (and for a while...)
I agree (to an extent)-with the other poster-he does not have to pander to your every need 24/7.
And what you actually NEED to do (in my opinion)-
1) next time you have a surgery,make sure a FAMILY member is there to take care of you (not married yet=not a family) or a very close friend. It's called having a back-up (especially if you know he already had other plans/is too busy/whatever)
2) strengthen your own network (friends,family,work)-and spend time with them,so you don't obsess about how he spends his time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): ' he says I am the most important person to him'
after going out for four months I highly doubt that this is true. It is ridiculous of him to say it and for you to expect it.
He's not a terrible guy, maybe just not the guy for you. Your values are not aligned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Sounds like you just being spoilt and wanted his undivided attention. He had to do some work stuff!! It's not like he was sitting there on Facebook or chatting to girls... And he's very close to his brother and went to his birthday. You should be happy he has a strong family tie. You don't NEED him 24 hours a day. In those few hours alone you could have looked after you, instead of obsessing over him. Read a book, gone for a nap, whatever a free surgery.
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