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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my bf for alittle over a year now. Just recently he decided that he wanted to cool things off and be single for awhile. Things are great between us. I knew that going into this relationship he was suppose to have time to himself before we got serious. But we ended up getting serious and now I am here. I understand that he wants time to himself since he has pretty much been in nonstop relationshp for the past 10 years. Hes never had alone time. We are still seeing each other but just not all the time. He says that he is afraid of losing me but I want to wait for him. I love him so much. I just dont know how much time he needs to figure out that Im the one that he wants to be with. He says that I have the best shot out of any girl he has been with to have a future with. But I am so scared that another girl is going to take him away from me during this down time. Help! I dont know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, White Heaven +, writes (29 August 2006):
 As the two answers given was pointing out at "HIM" mainly, let me answer ina different way...Well, I am a guy, Im 21 and I have a 2 month old boy and getting married in December.. and I am in my first year of Psychology, just to let you know a little bit of me so you can combine it with my answer.The most crucial thing from this question is that angel, you didn't said your ages... Age is very important for relationships, even thou you did mention " nonstop relationshp for the past 10 years." I assume this guy is in the twenties, and defenetely you are younger... Let me explain, In a relatioship sometimes it is not what a person want but what does as ONE both of you want...In your situation your boyfriend wants to back off a while, now thinking of that there are many reasons and the most common one is that one! the one you said.. "Just recently he decided that he wanted to cool things off and be single for awhile"Mmmm... I would like to ask you if you know what he wants to cool off, if you do not know then ask him... he must be a rational person because the relatioship is a break-up here... depending on his answer you must take action from there...Cooling off relationship from partners means one thing, they are not comfortable with something, it can only be about the relationship, because if it is about "himself" that is not true, you can help him in that situation... unless if it is about a mess up he did and it's a secret...Nevertheless, what this boy did to you after a year of a relatioship means no more that another adventure waiting for him to take, my advice to you is, if you don't want to get more hurt, comfront him, tell him that you do not believe in cooling off, sometimes you need to sacrifice your love in order to know if it's sure enough...The fear, anxiety that you feel of "abother girl taking him" you gotta realised that he is not under your directions, and trust me, the feelings get accross and you will end up alone and hurt, make this one wisely...here what I suggest you do...* Confront him* tellin him that you don't believe in colling off in relatioships because there is no such rational thing among true LOVE!* Ask him what does he means by being afraid?- You see, afraid means scared, anxious, fearful of losing you.. ask him what would he be losing?...* Depending on the answer which most probably be" a lovely girl" then ask him why does he need cooling off again?...- Don't let him answer, just say quick, " GET YOUR MIND RIGHT AND STRAIGHT, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BEING MESSED AORUND"Girl, go, do it, you will be impressed, I was once there.. and trust me, you will make this guy FEEL REALLY SMALL!God Bless
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female
reader, pica +, writes (29 August 2006):
I agree totally with Yos, below. It may well be that he needs time to think. I'd give him this one chance - but take it that it's really over now. Don't get in touch with him, get on with your own things. Don't see him. Bear in mind that no-one else can take him away if he doesn't want to go. If he comes back to you in a while wanting to try again then it's up to you - but don't let him set up an on-off thing when he feels like. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 In my opinion, what he is doing is not OK. You don't just take a time out from a relationship and put someone on hold like he is suggesting. Relationships are not something that you just switch on and off depending on the emotional weather. Commitment is either absolute or meaningless. He can't go out and 'sample' other women whilst you sit at home hoping 'that another girl isn't going to take him away during this down time'. Not if he respects you. Not if he loves you.
If you let him behave like this, you are setting up 'acceptable behaviour' for him that will cause you distress, and lots of it. When else will he be able to 'take some down time'?. When he's away for a weekend without you and spots a cute girl? When he's out at a club and you're not there? You are setting yourself up as the backup-fuck, which he can then supplement as and when he sees fit.
He'll take as much advantage of you and your emotions as you let him.
It sounds like you want a regular, committed, monogomous relationship. It sounds like he doesn't want that. I suggest you don't compromise, because if you do, you will end up suffering. Decide what you want, and insist on it. If you don't get it, don't hang on hoping for something that is not going to happen.
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