A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my first relationship with a girl i am madly in love with and have been dating her for nearly a year. she was the first and only person i've kissed or done anything with physically and are relationship is really really good and we have been dating for almost a year now.But... there is a problem..... the first day i really met her i was trying to work up the courage to put my arm over her shoulder but before i did one of my best friends did the same and before u know it they went to his room. They didn't have sex due to the fact that it wouldn't fit because she was a virgin but they spent the night together doing other stuff while i was unable to sleep.i heard them several times through the night... the next morning they wouldn't even look at each other. After she and her friend left my friend was eager to tell all the details and basicly made fun of the fact that she bad in bed even at the time this made me mad due to his disrespect... She and I started dateing about a month later and things have been wonderfull but i still cant get over the fact of what happened. it's just really emasculating and has made me very depressed over the last year... it has completly ruined the friendship with my friend and i'm constanly thinking about breaking up with my gf due to the fact that i cant get over it and im almost allways depressed BUT i love her sooooo much and she's everything i could want in someone.... i dont know what to do :(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Well, your friend doesn't sound like the greatest friend in the world. If he knew you were interested in this girl, then why did he snatch her up right in front of you? And then only to brag about it later on, which again is a really tacky thing to do.
Then again, you should have said something if you were interested in her. Maybe you were the one she actually wanted as well, but thought you weren't interested since you didn't make a move on her. Obviously, you're the one she went for, and your friend was just a one night blunder. Did you hear from her that the reason they didn't have sex was because it "didn't fit"? I think your "friend" might have decorated the truth a bit, as guys very often do. Perhaps she didn't even let him touch her boob, and he felt too embarrassed about his lack of success to be honest. I wouldn't be surprised if that was so.
But, regardless. What exactly bothers you about this past incident, and why NOW? After nearly a year? It didn't bother you when you got together with her, because if it did you wouldn't get together with her, obviously. So why is it bothering you now, and why didn't it bother you before? Figure that one out and I think you will be a lot closer to your solution.
You can work through this, I'm sure. Breaking up isn't an option, you love her, and it would break both of yours hearts. So think in other directions. Maybe you should talk to her about this?
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 October 2012):
OP, I really don't know if we can help you much but I can say that I understand where you are coming from. You have 2 issues to deal with. First, when your girlfriend met you and your friend she picked him over you. Well, that happens to most guys, either on first looks he was more attractive or probably he was just more pushy. You are just gonna have to realise that the nice guys get passed by until its time to pick up the bits.The second issue is much tougher to get over. When you really love and care about someone it just plain hurts to know she was used or abused in the past. And even though it maybe happened a long time ago because you have just found out it feels like yesterday. And even worse for you when the "user" was a friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Okay, so what if the OP's girlfriend was indeed messing with his friend just to make him jealous? (Totally unlikely here, but I will go with it for the sake of argument.) Does that mean the OP is wrong for feeling second best over it now? Either way the OP is right to feel hurt about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2012):
 to the male annonymous poster who made the blanket statement:
"BTW So_very_Confused: When a woman chooses one guy from a group of guys to sexually mess around with first, he was her first choice. People do not meet a group of potential partners and ignore the one they want in favor of a different one. "
I disagree. that's not always the case
maybe she wanted to make someone else jealous
maybe the person she really wanted was not the one interested in her that night (BTDT btw)
if you can't be with the one you love honey love the one your with...
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. It does not mean you don't love her enough. It's almost the opposite, you love her so much it hurts you to think of her with another man. I feel very bad for you because most men/women who suffer from retroactive jealousy just make up images in their head of their partner's past. You SAW and HEARD it go down and you know the people involved. That must be extremely hard to deal with and I feel very bad for you, I think people should be a bit more sensitive to what you are feeling. I have suffered from this before, as have many people who write into this site. I went through this with my husband some time back.
I dealt with it but it took a lot of time. I also wrote a question into this site and received help for it. Whenever the sad thoughts would come up I would remind myself "it's in the past. He's with me now. That's not who he is today." of course your mantra will need to be a little different. You will need to remind yourself "we weren't together. She had nothing against me, he just got to her first. She's with me now. Nothing really happened between them and I really have her. He never really had her." Or whatever else you can think to add. And any time the thoughts pop up you remind yourself of these things because they are important and true. He never had sex with her and talked badly about her, you know the true person she is and he never did and never will. Don't feel emasculated, you won her! He is just a jerk who happened to reach her first. She obviously didn't have a good time with him. She has everything with you and always remember that.
The more you tell yourself these things when your bad thoughts come up and put a positive spin on it the better you will feel. And over time you wont think about it as much anymore. Today I still rarely get a thought about my husband's past but I can make it go away immediately by remembering what I stated. He's the past (a tiny, tiny part) and you are now her present and future. Don't forget that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Most girls want to have a BF that their female friends respect. It would be a major problem for most girls if their BF was someone that her friends broke up with and they are ridiculing him now. Surprise, surprise . . . the same thing applies to men too. Its not much fun being with a woman that your friends screwed around with and laughed about.Now, is it her fault that this girl is being joked about? I will go against the P.C. grain and say yes it is. When you sexually mess around with people casually, you cannot expect to be treated with the kind of respect and secrecy that you would expect from a committed partner. If you wanna swim in the casual sex pool then you have to accept the consequences of it. Like being laughed at if you're not good in bed, for example. If you feel emasculated being with this girl, then BREAK UP. Don't feel bad for wanting self respect because everyone does. Her actions are what made that difficult. You don't have to hold it against her just like you would not hold it against a girl for being your friend's ex-GF. But certain things just make someone off-limits for YOU. This is one of them. BTW So_very_Confused: When a woman chooses one guy from a group of guys to sexually mess around with first, he was her first choice. People do not meet a group of potential partners and ignore the one they want in favor of a different one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Well, i understand if you find my opinion offending. You know the saying, Truth hurts?
But don't get offended. I am not here to be your enemy or to fight with you. So, I'm sorry If I offended you in anyway.
Remember we are here to help you, find solutions for your dilemma. The focus is more about you and your gf.
The only way for you to forget about the past is once you learned how to get over it. How to get over it, no one can help yourself but you. If you always think about what happen in the past, no matter what we say here or your friends tells you to get over it, wont help you. It will stays on your mind.
Months had passed. give it more time to heal and everything will be forgotten. Time fix everything, so relax and take it easy. good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Listen up man. You really don't have the ammo to head all one way or the other.
Yeah he sort of rolled over your girlfriend and it pisses a guy off. It would bother most women so women, don't pretend it wouldn't.
They had such a chance encounter. Nothing more. I would find a way to let it go. That is something I can't tell you how to do. You must find a way on your own.
I can tell you this.
When a guy talks trash about a one night stand it's usually because he had some sort of performance problem.
Does you chick know that you know?
If you have talked about tell her your feelings.
If you guys have not, don't bring it up. Women don't like to be talked about when the topic is one they think is negative.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
Ok so if you understand her actions, don’t think she did anything wrong, and don’t blame them… then I’m not sure how to help you work this through because I’m not sure truly what the issue is. (I’m being dense sorry)
You said you heard her get fucked by some dude in your follow up but in your original post you said THEY DIDN’T have sex… so which is it honey?
She didn’t choose him over you btw she’s YOUR girlfriend… she spent one night in his bed…
She chooses to be with you long term on a daily basis… who’s the sloppy seconds in that case?
Personally if I had the option of one night with a near stranger or a long term relationship with a loving partner the LTR wins every time…
Manhater is right btw if you can’t get past this or over this it does not bode well for the relationship and your behavior will be the cause of her leaving… so you need to get your head on straight and figure out how to deal with this…
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): its not that i think she did something wrong or anything like that i completely understand the action and i don't blame my friend or her and i haven't mentioned it to her in over 9 months i have never treated her badly due to what happened its just the fact that its a constant nagging thought in the back of my head of basically hearing my gf get f****d by some dude and having her chose him over me its like im just the runner up.... but i guess there was no real point in asking this question was just hoping someone would have some useful advise but thank you for trying :)......
P.S. manhater101 you are rude and know not of what u speak and your points are short sited and ignorant...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
why does what SHE did with someone else BEFORE she was your GF make YOU feel emasculated?
personally if it bothers you that much I think you should consider either getting therapy to work it through and fix it as it's a problem on your end
or
ending the relationship because eventually you will say or do something to "punish" her for your feelings that she did something wrong... (which she did not)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): The world needs more men like you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Hi there! I am not convinced that you love her at all. If you do, you would either forget her past or accept his past and start making beautiful memories with her today.
If her past keeps haunting you or affecting your relationship then it only means that you don't love her enough. I believe true love means loving the other person unconditionally.
Remember, that happens when you and her are not yet bf/gf..
If you love her so much it should never be an issue for you.
You need to get over about what happen in the past otherwise sooner or later this issue will be one of the cause of tearing you apart. Well, good luck..
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