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*ajac
writes:Ralph and I were married in 2001 - then divorced in 2004 because he moved in with his ex-wife and daughter. Early 2005, he moved back in with me. We lived together as man and wife in all ways except the bedroom. We slept in different rooms and never had sex (once a year, maybe). We had a comfortable life, and it appeared everything was ok - he even talked about us getting married again. He then left me in February of 2008 for a friend of mine - whom he says he has been in love with for the past 15 years! Long story short . . . after about 3 weeks of agonizing over this, I finally decided life is too short, and went on a date with a man (James) that I had known several years earlier. For the past 2-1/2 months, James and I have been seeing each other. He is in love with me, wants to get married, etc. And, I love him. Well . . . Ralph now believes himself to be in love with me after all, that he was so very wrong, that he is sorry for everything he ever did to ever hurt me, etc. He has literally cried for over a week, almost nonstop. He is missing work, unable to sleep or eat (he's lost around 30 lbs in less than a month!) What should I do?? I know James loves me, and I do care for him - but I also still have feelings for my ex (Ralph). I am so horribly confused - I cannot bear to see Ralph hurting so badly. He will most likely move off to another state, and leave me with all of the bills we made together. I don't want to take him back, but see no other way. I will lose everything if I don't (house, car, etc.) Please help! I know I can't tell the entire sordid story here, but I hope I've given enough info that someone might have a suggestion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I think I remember seeing your earlier post about your situation. I can't remember all the details, but I remember your crazy situation about seperate beds.
I don't know exactly how old you are, but I know that your at least over 40. It can be hard to start again, especially when you may loose everything you've worked for. But how long can you continue to live like this. Don't you want a man that you can call your own and share sex and romance with. I'm not sure if James is the guy for you but Ralph definately is not. Your not happy with the situation, he can't be happy with the situation.
You need to start to make preparations to finish this unhealthy relationship. No matter what Ralph says. You can't stay with a man because your frightened he will kill himself if you leave. Let me tell you a secret (he won't) he has a daughter that he loves and cares about and even if he does, it is his choice, not yours.. you can't force him to mess up his life, and he should not be forcing you to stay with him.
I know you have feelings for this man, but he's left you twice, lived with you for a year without being overcome by love and desire. It's funny how he now loves you, when you've finally given up and decided to date other men.
Life is much too short for this. You deserve happiness. I know its frightening to be alone (especially on the economic front) but you deserve so much more than this half-hearted attempt at a relationship.
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reader, Aeval  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. Don't let him use you as an emotional pillar. Suggest professional help (I think this may be more than you can handle on your own). If you know one of his friends maybe talk to them and warn them out, so they can step in and help. Then cut ties (cruel to be kind) let him sort himself out and move on into the sunset for your happy ending with your new man!
Very best of luck
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2008):
 I think as long as you are a shoulder to cry on he'll just keep the tears flowing. Best to stop all contact with him and let him sort himself out. The cruel to be kind sort of deal.
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reader, kajac +, writes (14 May 2008):
kajac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoes anyone have any suggestions on how I can help him to deal with this better? He is in such bad shape, cannot stop crying, hasn't really slept in several days (except to pass out from exhaustion for an hour or so at a time), has lost his job because of all this, and is generally giving up on everything in his life . . . My heart goes out to him, but I don't know what to do for him. I still care, but I don't want him back in my life as my mate. Am I wrong for wanting to help him? Would it be best if I just disappeared? Should I refuse to talk to him?
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reader, kajac +, writes (13 May 2008):
kajac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been struggling with this for a couple of months - and you all have helped me to realize that I am not crazy - that I am thinking the way I should...I care about my ex and truly want for him to be happy - somewhere else. Thank you so much for your feedback! I really needed to know what others think. I do believe James & I have a future - and walking off into the sunset with him is an excellent idea! Thank you ...
kajac
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reader, Aeval +, writes (13 May 2008):
Well if Ralph has hurt you time and time again you can be sure that he will continue to do so. I know its hard to let someone go after a huge history,. He has had a long long time to make things right with you. I say leave Ralph and try to make things work with James, at the very least leave Ralph and give yourself time to heal fully and decided what it is you want to do. Don't fall back into any traps
Good luck x
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reader, Aliki-baby  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 This man is quite the shithouse isn't he. No disrespects love, but you can't get back with a man who ran off with your friend. Him losing weight is emotional blackmail, take no notice.
If you believe that you and James have a future, then maybe you should run off first and leave Ralph with the bills. Imagine that, Payback Time.
Good luck babe Lex --
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 May 2008):
So you'll take Ralph back because you guys share some bills together? I'd tell Ralph that before you consider getting back together he needs to clean up your finances. Once he does that then you'll have a better perspective on everything and probably will want to walk off into the sunset with James.
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