A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys! The people on this site have helped me loads in the past and I'm hoping you can help me again with your advice.I got out of a very bad LTR last year which started when I was very young, for almost 4 years I was cheated on and manipulated and controlled by this paranoid overly possessive guy, that has long ended now with no strings attatched whatsoever but admittedly did leave me with some element of insecurity and paranoia... just generally little demons inside my head if you understand that at all.I have since got into a new relationship with a lovely guy, we have been together almost 7 months and he is much more mature, kind, respectful, generous and all in all faithful. I know I have a good one here and I am very happy in knowing that even though we don't talk every second of the day, I trust him and he loves me.He does however have a very close friend that he lives with. This girl he admitted to me having dated in the past but tried to assure me that it was a long time ago, which I would be fine with. These insecurities started playing up again a few months ago after I came across some of his old blogs which talk about the way she has attempted to flaunt himself infront of him months, years after the breakup and reveal his feelings, and when we first met it was dropped into conversation that he was thinking of 'getting on her' (joking or not I have no clue). Obviously this was not when we were together and we have since spoken about this openly which I feel helped a lot, he has told me their relationship then was okay but a fairly manipulative one, at one point after breaking up with her he tried to get her back, that he had no recollection of saying anything about trying to get back with her, that their relationship as roomates now is pretty bad. Don't get me wrong I don't care about what happened before we started dating, I trust him fully and I know he is as happy with me as I am with him.There is just a few things I can't get clarification on though, besides the fact she has next to no respect for him and he does a lot more around the house than her (she's a terrible tenant to say the least) she has never really made an effort with me at all. I understand she is shy but I am too and because she is my boyfriend's friend I want to make an effort. But I get nothing back! I bring her back presents from holidays and she never says thank you or acknowledges the gift, I always go out of my way to say hello and she frequently ignores me, I cook food and bake things and she never says thank you, no manners at all. I also know she has tried to involve me in arguments regarding her superiority over me as his friend. In the past few weeks my boyfriend is making her leave now because she cannot afford to live there. Now she won't even come into the same room if I am in it, she ignores me when I try and talk, she won't spend any time with us when I am over. I know that she was used to getting a lot of my boyfriend's attention in the past which has changed, she has lied about numerous things to try and give him an ill impression of his new friends, she threw a hissy fit and threatened to move out when he spoiled me on valentines day, all this stupid immature stuff and my boyfriend just accepts it. He acknowledges that I know she doesn't like me, which he denies, but all his other friends make an effort and like me. Their relationship is ridiculous and I don't know why he puts up with her as a friend or a tenant.So tell me, what do you guys think about this behaviour? Do you think she's jealous? I am never going to make my boyfriend choose between us unless she does something awful, and bearing in mind I have spent the past 6 months trying to be nice and getting nothing in return, what do you think I should do? Help would be much appreciated and sorry it's so long!
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male
reader, Relationship.Chef  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 a) you're a codependent.
b) you think you're in a relationship, yet your boyfriend has another opinion on that
c) things are not going to change in your life until after you figure out exactly what you want and what kind of a person you want to be with. Then, all you'll have to do is demand it
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Something's missing here. Why is he still living with her? If the two of you have been together for 7 months, and I'm assuming that they've not been dating for longer than that, then why are they still together? That's more than enough time to end a lease and move in with other roommates or whatever. Something isn't adding up here.
You're within your rights to not tolerate this level of baggage in the form of an ex who is STILL living with him! You're going to get really hurt, and I'm convinced that you're not being told everything, because it's one thing if they had *just* broke up, but living together over 7 months later while he's in a new relationship is really questionable. I for one wouldn't be with a guy who allowed an ex such an intimate and close place in his life.
This has nothing to do with insecurity. This has nothing to do with allowing him a "friend" because any person in someone's life who was an ex is disqualified from being friend material, and especially a friend who lives with him, who he tried to get back, who still has feelings for him if she's threatening him on Valentine's day when he's spoiling you, and I'd be pissed off if her threats cause him to go running after her to keep her. Why not LET her threaten?? Hell, let her carry out the threats and leave, freeing him of the baggage once and for all!
I think you're being played, because there is absolutely no reason why they should still be living together. There are way too many other opportunities to get other roommates, and college newspapers and all that are packed with people seeking roommates to help defray costs.
I think you should put your foot down on this one. You've already been hurt once before, and your past abuse is causing you to put up with baggage no one else would even dream of putting up with.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 May 2013):
This is easy: stop giving a crap about what she does or thinks. Stop trying to please her or buy her friendship.
Yes she seems jealous and I don't know why he puts up with it either, but that's something you should talk with him about.
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