A
female
age
36-40,
*utumnleaves07
writes:Hi everyone...Merry Xmas to you all. Hope yours is better than mine. If anybody could offer any help or advice, I would really appreciate it. I am so down and I don't know what to do to pick myself up.I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years, all the way through uni, and we graduated this summer and decided to go on gap years - him to Japan and me to France for a year. We knew it would be hard, but really believed that we could make it work. Anyway 5 days after telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me etc, be broke up with me completely out of the blue via email. We had a 5 hour phone chat a day or two later and he sounded really mixed up - he admitted he liked another girl but swore that wasn't a reason, and said he still thought we might be together in the future, that he still loved me but wanted to stay in Japan for at least another year. So for a week or so I was still clinging on, thinking he would realise his mistake. Anyway I then found out he started seeing this girl as soon as he broke up with me, and it was awful because he really isn't that 'type' - even my friends said how shocked they were and how he was the one guy they thought would never do something like that.That was two months ago, but the problem is, I am still not doing so well. Everyone keeps saying time will make it better etc, but it is so hard because the break up has all been over email and phone, and the last memory I have of us physically being together was us at the airport talking about getting married and stuff.I feel like I need to see him to get proper closure, to really accept it's over. Stupid as it sounds, I still love him and think a small part of me is clinging on thinking that maybe he will change his mind still, but the rational part of me tells me that is ridiculous. I feel that part of the reason I'm not coping too well is because I haven't seen him in person. He's come home for Christmas, and I'm thinking about trying to meet up with him - I'm pretty sure he would agree. My friends are telling me not to see him because it will upset me, but on the other hand I'm so messed up I feel like seeing him can't make it any worse...If anyone can offer any advice I would be really grateful. I need to get out of this black pit. Thank you.
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female
reader, valentinesday  +, writes (26 December 2007):
Hey there,
I was in a similar situation recently... I was with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years (during my last year of uni) but we fancied each other since middle school. I thought we were in love. I really thought it was mutual. A few days before Xmas, he confessed he cheated on me four times in the past. I was shocked. I was so outraged for 4 whole days. I was so broken-hearted and depressed. He wanted me back but then recently he decided that he wants to be young and just have fun for a while.He's in the service so he doesn't want to be stuck in a relationship with me while he's away. I was pretty distraught by this.
But on Christmas morning, I woke up and realized that I am so young and beautiful. If this moron does not love and want to be with me then so be it. It really is his loss because there any many men out there that would love the chance to be with me but I never accepted because I was so loyal to him.
I would be lying if I said I was completely over him, because I'm not. I did genuinely love this man with all my heart but I also have come to the realization that you would never want to be someone who doesn't want to be with you. Men like that does not deserve you and the love you have to offer.
It will take some time to be competely over him but you need to start taking those steps now.
If you need closure, do what it takes to get that but do NOT give in to his needs. He is out of the picture now and you need to do whats right for you.
On Christmas, I went to his family's get together because I am still very close to his family. I remained strong and told him I forgive him and that we can remain friends. Do not laugh,because this is my form of closure. I will forgive but I won't forget. I also went in a very sexy out fit and I put on some lovely make up. Later that night, he admitted that he thought I looked amazing. Well, I really do think that he is starting to regret letting me go. But if he ever wants me back, then too bad because it's my time to shine. I'm not going to feel trapped by him anymore.
I wish you the best of luck and I know you will be fine at the end. Just stay strong and know that a man like that does not deserve you. He would be lucky that you are even talking to him still.
If you ever need to talk, let me know. Just message me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): You are suffering from grief and loss - it is like something has 'died' - that is your relationship and you cannot have closure because of the state it was left in. This is completely understandable. It may not be practical for you to meet your man again but I wonder if you could use 'Skype' to actually see him (web cam etc) - would this help? Alternatively there are types of counselling which may help you say the things you would have said to him to meet that closure. I really feel for you at this time and hope the pain of this experience lessens each day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): hey merry christmas i think you should meet him for christmas and talk about your feeling. and what you want out of him. what you have to say he has to hear you out. anyways best of luck. justin.
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