A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online just over 2 years ago(about 3 months after my divorce was finalized) and we've had a on off relationship since then. The very first time he broke up with me after we slept together the first time because he is scared of commited relationships. he wanted to remain 'friends' and me not knowing any beter said of course. After that i broke up with him about 5-6 times because he just can't meet my emotional needs. Last time i broke up with him i told him i cared about him as a friend(in actuality i cared a lot more then i wanted to admit) and couldn't continue this kind of relationship. He gave me a few months to "cool down" and started chasing me again by saying how much he missed our moments, etc and that he promised he wasn't going to hurt me. At the end of summer i invited him over for dinner to get a beter idea of where things stand of course he said yes. He showed up late, brought nothing, no wine, flowers, nothing and when i was joking about how we had flirted on msn earlier that day he insinuated it was slutty of me to do that(it's not like we are strangers and haven't already done even more)we talked, etc, nothing happened physically, he thanked me for dinner and said next time he would bring dinner, i said ok. he didn't call me for about 3 monthes then he cought me on msn and asked me to go for coffee with him to catch up. we met, we cought up, told me he was going to sking with a friend, i told him i had been to that resort as well because i used to work with someone who has a place there but no longer speak to that person because of......he said 'don't worry you'll find another guy with a cabin at a ski resort"i told hi i'm not looking for that, i don't want a sugar daddy(i felt so hurt and attacked like he was telling me he thought i am a gold digger). I let that slide and asked him to come up and hang out for a bit. we were talking and cuddling a bit when he started to go down my pants.I let him because i didn't want to reject him and because i had done so much more with him in the past i thought it was nothing. HeSo nothing happened, then he left, haven't heard from him in a month, i have also been avoiding logging on to my msn because i am still hurt by those 2 insinuations and today he decides to poke me on facebook. Am i just his toy when he is bored? Why never a phonecall to see how i am, etc, we only make plans if he sees me on msn. Does he really think i am a slutty golddigger so he disrespects me because he thinks thats how i deserve to be treated? I am so confused, so hurt yet so drawn to this guy! What is my major problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This letter does not say I am sorry for hurting you, I love you and would never want to hurt you. I want to keep seeing you and make you my exclusive girlfriend....(which is what you expect and want, you admitted you "kept him around with sex because you thought he was a nice guy".
Keeping a guy around with sex is just sex.....and he thinks that is OK with you because you allowed the relationship to continue on those terms without a commitment or promise of exclusivity from him....he is playing he is confused and doesn't know what you mean by his ignoring you and he thinks your "moments" are special.
Right there by his own admission, he sees your relationship in terms of moments, in the hear and now only and does not see you in his future. Saying this doesn't mean there is any reason you aren't good enough for him, he simply is not looking for the same thing that you are.
You don't need closure, you won't get it. You will never be satisfied until you get what you want from him which is a relationship and you are analyzing and looking for a "reason" that he did not want to have a steady relationship with you.....which is a total waste of your time, no matter how deeply you felt for him, the emotional connection was not there for him and he did not even look for that in you.....not your fault....he has told you with his behavior and by not calling you for long periods that he sees you as a freind with benefits.
Please stop communicating with him as this is hurting you even more.....just accept the fact that guys don't commit because you give them sex and because they like you and think you are cool....they commit when they are ready to and want to do so. Many times men are just not in a place in their lives when they can offer this type of relationship to a woman and they want to keep their options open and date lots of different women, never settling on any of them for very long.
If you want a relationship to work out, next time wait as long as you can to have sex with a man....if he really loves you he will be happy to be in your company and will wait until the time is right to make a commitment to you and the relationship that you want and deserve.
Just throw this one back in the pond and let him swim away. You are literally wasting your very own love life on him. Is that fair to you? And guess what, it is you that has made that choice for yourself, so you can choose to change your mind about him and let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.....no hard feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWHAT DOES THIS MEAN, WAS I CRAZY OR WHAT......
Here is a letter i just received from him, i wonder if and how i should respond, thank you:)
Dear (my name),
I don't know why you keep thinking I ignore you and what you say, this is a bit hurtful.
I will respect your wishes as I have allwasy done and yes we always be friends. I understand that you feel differently than I do and I also respect that (my name).
I have always seen our moments together as being special and also the moments just talking have been special. You will always be my friend.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope to hear from you soon.
(his name)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you soo much! I have already written a no send letter and will allow myself time to grieve and move on , i know it will take some time ......I just hope he doesn't try contacting me again and messing with my head! I'm a very strong girl, i know this too shall pass and things will be ok:)
Thank you again and happy holidays to you and your loved ones:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): An afterthought...sometimes when a relationship ends, we grieve for what could've been more so than what was! And that is where the real pain comes in! I know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): In my humble opinion, meeting him for coffee, is just postponing the inevitable. If you are really honest with yourself, this meeting would be more about him realizing he has made a mistake and the relationship rekindles, than it is about closure! I feel this is true because I know I would've done the same thing in the past. Now, I know better. I would just be setting myself up for more pain. And I garauntee that he would suspect that the meeting for coffee is a ploy to convince him to come back to you!
End this relationship with dignity. Keep your self-respect. Even if you do have a lot to get off your chest...write it in a No-send letter. You may want to tell him off but he will construe that as a fight to keep him.
I know what you are going through, but the pain will pass! I promise!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel so hurt and i really dont want him back inmy life but i really really need closure and feel like i really need to get a lot of things off my chest and explain my side and the reason i dis what i did so i am thinking of emailing him to ask him to meet me for coffee in public to talk and give me closure. is this a bad idea? will he just ignore my email or is there a chance that he has enough kindness and caress for me at least enough to give me that. what should i do i am tormented and i feel like ive been punched in the stomach. he really made me like him and i wanted him to like me too, he didnt seem interested at all in me other then in "being with me" so yes i kept him around with sex because i really wanted to believe he really was the nice guy he presented himself to be at the begining. i really needed a nice guy, my ex broke my heart so bad , i needed to believe good guys still existed
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Go ahead and cry, but don't cry more than a couple of hours. You get past it by being nice to yourself.....he is just a guy, you don't need him, he never treated you very well at all.....it will make you feel better just to not have to worry and wonder and agonize over this guy.
I think you could do with some therapy.....you are young and you just don't understand fully what a healthy relationship with a man looks like. I also get the impression that you think you need a man in order to be happy....you don't, and feeling that way is going to attract a lot of jerks who play on your insecurities. I think it would be great if you remained single and dated several men at once, not slept with several men at once and had some fun and get to know yourself and what you want in a relationship.....there is nothing wrong with making that list of characteristics and personality traits and looks and money that you want out of a potential partner. You aren't going to find someone who meets it 100%, but if you find a guy who meets it 80% then he is a great guy for you....and quess what there are a lot of men out there who are better for you than this one.
Don't feel traumatized or scarred, it is how you decide to process this and deal with it that is going to make the difference. Don't let him knock you down a peg, he doesn't deserve to take anything away from you, and believe it or not it is in your own power to either get up, dust yourself off, decide not to be a doormat anymore and make a guy earn your respect, love and trust by being a complete gentleman and showing that he cares.....make a guy be your suitor, not the other way around....because in spite of what young women think today, guys don't like to be chased, they do the chasing....it has been that way for centuries it is in their stupid makeup and you can't really change that, all you can do is change yourself and make sure you are more selective in who you allow into your heart and into your bed.....the good news is that you have the power to decide that.
Cheer up and take care, it won't be the first time you deal with a jerk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Time! It will take you some time to get over this. But the wounds will heal! They're fresh now and it's important to give yourself the time you need.
Be good to yourself, put yourself #1. Do fun things with friends. Don't listen to sad music or music that reminds you of him. You will get over the fears of being with another man, I promise you this!
Don't dwell on the past. Try to tell yourself you survived without him before you met him...you can get along without him now!
Take care of yourself!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to cry, i feel scarred, i made a mistake, i feel horrible, i am afraid to even talk to another man now. i want to hide.....i dont ever want to talk to him ever again, i have never been so traumatized by a situation:( how can i get past this, any ideas
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): No, sorry, you didn't do the right thing. You made three mistakes. You returned his call, then you asked HIM to come over to talk, but you ended up sleeping with him after he told you it wasn't his intention to make you feel the way you do.
Of course it wasn't his intention. You led him to believe through your behavior of sleeping with him and accepting his casual behavior that you were a casual, gold digging, sex and fun kind of girl.....you did this to keep him interested because for what ever reason you like him. He is a bit confused that you did not take his blatant ignoring you for months on end and his random calling as just what it is, a booty call....and then you confirmed to him that yes you do understand it is a booty call because all he had to do to get you to drop your drawers was to come over to your place and talk.....well yeah, he talked you out of your pants or vice versa.
I am proud of you for writing the dear John letter and breaking up with him...but you are still hanging on by telling him that you want a family and that these casual moments aren't what you want....you my dear are still setting yourself up for a fall. You mistakenly think that having sex with a guy will tell you if something is there for you or for him.....well it doesn't work that way.....having sex does not make a guy fall in love with you, nor does it build a relationship.
In your next relationship, don't make sex the litmus test. Put relationship first, not sex, build a strong foundation, and then sex will be the expression of your love for each other, not a game to get someone to be yours.....I hope this registers with you.....you need to learn this lesson and then try not to make the same mistake again....or expect more of the same kind of treatment from men who take advantage of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): I think u did the right thing finally....and I understand why you let it last as long as it did,you just didn't want to believe it and see what he was really doing to you...someone once told me no matter how much you love someone if they don't love you back then it means nothing at all. honestly u should be more confident in yourself and not let a sorry excuss for a man walk all over you. and you def. should have NOT slept with him again cause you know this dudes goin home thinkin what a sucker...I got her again. the truth usually sucks but the harder something is to do the stronger it makes you. and he was a stupid mistake....just don't do it again cause then ull be the stupid one....and don't worry theres somebody out there for everyone. you have to wait for mr right...and dont look for it or you'll go through more jackasses...let him find you and make him work for you and that's how you'll know if he's the right guy. keek your head up and don't stress over a loser...you deserve better...don't settle for less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): I think you did! And even though I don't know you I am sooo proud of you! You go girl!!!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 Yes, you did the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all soooooooooooo much for opening my eyes and helping me see what i had already suspected.
I hope i did the right thing but i returned his cal yesterday and asked him to come over to talk. he came over...we talked...i told him how he makes me fell, he said those were not his intentions at all....i ended up sleeping withhim just to see if there was anything at all left there.....it was so unlike what i remembered....i woke up soooo empty that i wrote him a 'dear john' letter saying that i thought it was MISTAKE AND I didnt want to do that again. I told him i want a family and that these casual moments are really not for me and hope that he understands that.
Did i do the right thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I am sorry that you are drawn to this complete loser, really he sounds like such a jerk....he knows you like him, and yes he is playing and toying with you and he isn't the least bit nice.
Your major problem is that you are sitting around analyzing this guy and falling for his crap that he is/was afraid of committed relationships, he thinks you are a gold digger and deserve to be treated this way so somehow it must be your fault. He sees you, then doesn't call you for three months, then sees you, disappears for a month and then pops back in. He does this because your major problem is that you let him treat you this way. Your major problem is you think he is complicated and hard to figure out, you want him because you can't have him and you let him effect your sense of self worth...you have low self esteem it sounds like.
The truth is that he is not into you. He is probably not ready for a relationship but just wants a very casual friend with benefits....this is not what you want because you want more.
The next time he pokes you or calls you....don't answer the phone, don't take his calls or respond to him ever. He isn't going to change and why would you want to waste your time on him. On again off again relationships are unhealthy, very unhealthy, and it isn't likely going to improve, no amount of analysis or work on your part or waiting around is going to see it change into something more.....Please move on with your life and forget him, he doesn't even sound like pleasant company if he insults you like he does, what a jerk!
Try meeting guys out in the world by doing things that you truly enjoy or maybe trying out some new activities that you might think will bring you in contact with interesting men. Tell your friends you would like to be fixed up....and then date several men at once so that you are not hooked on any one of them....let the real man step up to the plate and pick you for a romance, then you have someone who wants the same thing as you do and then you just have to decide if he is a good enough man for you, and quit worrying about if you are good enough for him....you are....
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 December 2008):
Your major problem is that you let this guy play with your feelings. Ask him to forget you and move on. You sound like a loving person and he sounds like he doesn't deserve you.
Be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I agree that you shouldnt act available to him but ive been in similar situations and when you're not so easily accessible theres a good chance he'll act like u want him to... u just need to remind yourself if that happens that he wont stay like that..
if you cant get him out of your head confront him and ask him why he's being such an idiot!!
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female
reader, survivor1987  +, writes (16 December 2008):
Sweetheart, this is my opinion. I know there are feelings but evidently he could care less. If you care for someone you don't belittle, tease, taunt, name call, ignore, use etc, love is supposed to be a good feeling. Seems like he is using you as a toy. He needs to grow up and you need to try to move on. You are a good person, and you will find love again one day. He is taking advantage of you. Move on! Neet to talk, I am sure ther eis enough of us here to help you. Be strong sis!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Every time he reaches out to you, you are available to him. Have you ever once said no, I'm busy? He probably thinks you will always be there for him, and so far he's right! Try saying NO! Even if you're bored out of your mind and would love his company (actually, I can't see why you would) Just Say No!
You can do better if you stop letting this guy rent space in your head. It's not easy but it is doable.
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