A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,What am I supposed to do when my boyfriend of 3 years whom I met online decided to come meet me, when everyone in my family thinks that I shouldn't be with him. He is someone that I met on facebook. Although we don't meet on a regular basis, we've been talking everyday for hours since we met and we've seen each other on webcam too. He's planned a trip of 3 weeks to my homeland and was hoping that I would come back with him to the states where he currently resides. My parents don't like him, though he said he'd meet my parents if it's a must to get their permission marrying me. He's already started the plan which made me feel a bit uneasy because I'm scared of so many things that might happen once he landed here. Instead of cheering me up, this situation kind of stressing me out. He's spent money on getting his passport and stuffs which I felt bad about. What am I supposed to do? I really don't want to hurt him..
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 You are not stuck, you tell him you are not making any plans to go to the States at this stage, with him or without him.
Tell him you are not making any plans for marriage or other at this stage.
If he says "I spent $600" you tell him that was something he decided to do on his own.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 How are you "stuck"? The worst that can happen is that he visits and the pair of you find that you don't get on in real life. He can still have an amazing 3 week holiday, just that you might not be a part of it. It needn't even get that far. You could ask him not to visit if you feel so strongly....
It sounds as though you really don't want to even meet this guy. I'm perplexed.
He hasn't told you to come back to the States with him. He has implied that it is what he would like. It's quite different.
You are panicking and trying to back out of this. Why not just meet him and give him a chance? Of course it might not work out, but you'll never know until you try.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 you are not stuck but you played a dangerous game for three years pretending that this could be something serious.
now you have to be honest and tell him that you don't feel for him the way he feels for you... and tell him that you don't want to leave your home.
the problem is he's doing the right thing... the whole POINT of an LDR is to END it. he wants to be with you full time and you don't want to.
before he spends all this money and comes to see you, you must tell him that you have no plans to end the distance, you do not wish to leave your home or family and you are sorry you misunderstood that his intent was a real relationship not a play one online (which is what it is if you don't want to be with him full time in real life)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 July 2012):
 No, you are not stuck.
He is an adult. He made the decision to spend the money. you never asked him to do that.
You are not under any obligation to him at all.
And messing up you job and having to pay a penalty is not fair on you.
Why is he so impatient?
And NOT discussing these things first with you is just inexcusable.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 July 2012):
What do you mean, you "don't meet on a regular basis"? Have you met him at all, ever? It doesn't sound like you have.
Look, if you've been talking for years then at some point he is going to want to come and see you. Let him come and visit, and realise that it doesn't mean you're obliged to a) sleep with him or b) marry him.
He can't kidnap you and take you to the States. That will only happen if you go along with it.
Be sensible here. Let him visit - that way you both see what you are getting and whether there is any future in it. Set the boundaries and only do what you are comfortable with.
Hope it all works out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't decided anything up to this moment. I'm still dwelling on this with a guilt conscience. It is true that I seem to have led him into this and when I asked him why suddenly planned on coming, he said, "Well we've been in this relationship for 3 years and since the only way to get you is by coming there then that's what I have to do." Also he implied that he wanted me to come back with him. Not rightaway, it might take a month or two to settle the documents needed. I have a job here, leaving with him means I'm gonna have to resign and pay penalty. He said we could find a way once we get to the States. He's already spent almost $600 to get a passport and get the paper done without discussing it with me. Now I'm stuck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): You need to be very careful when meeting people from the internet, although you said you've been speaking to him for 3 years, he does sound like a very pushy and perhaps obsessive person.
If he's talking about coming to visit you and take you back to the states where you will be expected to marry him upon his will, then you need to nip it in the bud right now if you are not ready or something feels wrong.
And why do your parents not like him? They obviously have their reasons.
Maybe you should speak to them, they will talk some sense about this whole situation and I'm sure they are only looking out for your welfare.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Um, you probably need a vise to enter the US, so there is no way he can just take you there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Sounds like you have been leading him on for three years online and now the time has arrived and you wants to back off, he could be serious and maybe he's not serious but you should know this because you have been talking with this guy for over three years online, if you wasn't insterested, why would you spend three years talking with him? Sound like he is a serious man and knows what he wants from the conversation of three long years everyday for hours online so you must like him also to spend that much time with him everyday for hours.
If he does come to your home town, make sure you do not visit with him alone.
Just my 2 cent
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 July 2012):
You have rights too. He sounds like he thinks he can just take over and decide what it is you need.
He is rushing you and trying to move too fast.
These things take time.
If your parents do not like him there are some good reasons and their wisdom, born from long experience that your should listen to.
Do not allow him to rail-road you into a decison that you might regret.
Three years on line is quite a time.
But how often has he visited you in that time?
If you do not like it how will you afford the flight home?
Sounds like he is getting impatient and wants to rush you and not allow your feelings and thoughts to be considered.
Listen to that uneasy voice in your head that is disturbed by his impatience and his autocratic 'take charge' attitude.
How old is he and has he been married before? Does he have older children?
Is he offering marriage or only offering to live with you without marriage.
Does he want children?
There are so many issues to consider.
And more honest discussion before this can go ahead.
Please take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): If you do not feel comfortable with him visiting you, then do not meet him. Honestly if you do not want him to come and visit you, tell him now that you don't want him coming and that you will not meet him if he does come there. If you wait until he has spent the money on tickets and accommodation, he is going to be angry and rightly so, if however your honest with him that you don't want him to come, then if he still travels to indonesia it's his own fault.
He cannot just come and take you back to the States though, so you do not have to worry about that. I can tell you first hand that for you to be able to get the paper work to be able to go to another country, you are the only person who can fill in the applications. So you really do not have to worry about that. I think it is best if you keep a copy of any emails you send to him, so that you can have proof you have told him. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 July 2012):
I understand that the matter is complicated, but this relationship has been for three years! Surely you must have thought about your love for him and the future? Either this relationship goes somewhere or it ends. After three years maybe you should think seriously about this relationship instead of just feeling scared.
Your boyfriend obviously wants to take this relationship somewhere. He has visited you and is yet again planning trips. You need to handle this situation and get a grip on your life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 July 2012):
Big deep breath. He cannot just whisk you up and take you back to the States with him!
Tell him he cannot make plans for a trip without DISCUSSING it with you, tell him you are uneasy as he is making plans without talking to you first.
If you don't want him visiting Indonesia tell him now, before he spends money on a ticket, or accomodation.
I don't know how old he is, but he is probably hoping you will stay with him in his hotel.
If he comes to visit and you have told him not too, you need to let your parents know. Keep a copy of any emails you send telling him no.
If you change your mind and decide to meet with him if he comes, introduce him gradually to your parents, giving them many opportunities to talk to him and see how he acts, and how he treats you. If he treats you like a belonging and not a person he is no good for you.
Good luck, I hope you tell us what you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (29 July 2012):
 I think you need to listen to your family. you shouldn't be thinking of marriage, or moving away with someone you've never met.
The fact that he says he is coming to "get" you, instead of "get to know you better", is mot a good sign. Also the fact that he says he will only meet your family, if he has to, is another really bad sign.
Your first face to face meeting with him should be him coming to spend time getting to know you AND your family, not him coming to haul you off to another country. Something just doesn't sound right about this.
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