A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi if anyone can give me some advice i would really appreciate it. I am so confused at the moment. I have been with my fiance for 4 years, i am 22, he is 28 and we have a beautiful 18 month old baby boy together, and have bought a flat together. I met him when i had just split up with my ex boyfriend who i was madly in love with, he changed everything for me, he made me feel so good about myself and he loved e more than anything, i wasnt sure at the beginning but then i thought why not give this a go.So we lived with his mum and dad for a while and then i fell pregnant and we bought our first home. Now 4 years on i am so sick of the relationship i just want to cry all the time. Our spark has gone and i have found myself being extremely attracted to one of his good friends (our good friends), i have felt like it for a while but have never had the guts to admit it to myself let alone my fiance! its not that i think he will treat me any better than my partner because i know he wouldnt its just the fact that i am so attracted to him that i think about him all the time, i think about us making love, i think about us kissing, its driving me insane! I am really scared that this might be the end of our relationship as it has gone so stale. I have spoken to him on several occasions and he always says we will sort this out, i love you and i want to be with you always but we dont kiss, cuddle, makelove, we dont do anything together anymore, we are more like mates than partners. I dont want this to be the end, i am so scared, we have a future and so much security now we have our own family. I dont even no if i can honestly say hand on heart that i love him anymore and it hurts me so badly to even think about it. We have built this whole life together and i cant walk away now.I dont know if it all started when i became attracted to one of his friends and thats what made me start thinking, this isnt right and its lead to the relationship going stale or if the relationship had gone stale long before and thats whats made me attracted to our friend. I am so confused, please give me some advice, i feel depressed, i am not eating properly, i cant sleep properly, i am sick with worry and i dont know what to do.
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depressed, fiance, I love you, kissing, my ex, spark, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Sorry, second postscript. I keep referring to "your husband" and "your marriage". Although you're only engaged at the moment, the fact that you have a flat and a child together is almost the same as being married. Not being married makes it easier to split up legally, but the consequences would be largely similar.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (16 May 2008):
Sorry, if you've got a baby the ideas about charity work and going out and studying are not very realistic. My bad! But there are still ways that you can plan ahead to a more interesting future as your kids get older. Don't just think in terms of six months, think ahead what you want out of life.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (16 May 2008):
There are a couple of issues here.
One is that you are still very young and tied down in a life of husband, baby, and flat. You're only 22; the future has already arrived and it stretches out before you without any prospect of change or excitement for the next 40 years or so. You sound like you feel you're missing out on life.
Your thinking about the mutual friend is a symptom that your own sexual relationship has also grown stale and you're looking for exciting new sexual experiences.
You have two choices. You can bail out of your current situation, leave your husband, possibly taking your baby with you, and face a very precarious economic situation. But at least you will have the prospect of dreaming (and maybe) attaining the life you want.
The second choice is to try and reinvigorate your relationship with your husband. That is, try and realise a richer life within your marriage.
(There is a third choice, of course. Keep your husband and go and have an affair with your mutual friend. That would be the most disastrous thing you could do. Don't even consider it. And theoretically the fourth choice is an open marriage, but I'm not going to recommend that because I have absolutely no idea about them.)
I think that the first thing you need to do is try and spark up your sexual relationship with your husband. That means making an effort on both sides. Try looking around the Internet for some hints on how to get your husband interested in sex again.
The second thing is to try and find ways to enrich your own life. Do you have hobbies? Do you have a job? Do you have enough money to go away with your husband for a holiday, just to get away from it all? Do you have any dreams you want to fulfil, that you could start working towards now? Have you ever considered studying a craft or gaining new skills? What about charity work? These are all ways of bringing a new dimension into your life.
You need to discuss your feelings with your husband -- not the desire to kiss other men, at least not yet! Tell him how you feel about your marriage and discuss ways that you can bring it back to life. Discuss ways that both of you can make your lives richer and more fulfilling, so that you both feel like you're going somewhere.
Since I've never been married, I don't know how feasible or practical my suggestions are. But since you have a child and you have a lot to lose, I think you should work on your marriage before you think of trying anything else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Maybe the question to ask is how would you feel if he said he stopped loving you and wanted to move on? Would that give you a golden opportunity to move on without feeling guilty?
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