A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation:My girlfriend broke up with me around 3 months ago and im having trouble getting over her. Now, she wasnt perfect. she was insecure, somewhat hypocritical and judgmental at times. but so was I (insecure that is), so i couldnt hold it against her, and while i toyed with the idea of breaking up with her initially, i realized that the positives of dating her were much greater than the negatives. We were best friends even before we went out, we cared about each other, loved and each other, and trusted each other. I realized how hard it is to find someone who can accept you for your faults and oddities, for which i have many. I guess thats why its so difficult for me. She wasnt perfect but i feel that even if it wasnt meant to be in the long run, i wouldve at least liked see if the relationship did have a chance. and if it did end, i wouldve made sure it ended for the right reasons and not the misunderstandings for which it did.First off, it took me a full month to try to get it out of her why she broke up with me. she was hesitant to tell me why, only saying she wasnt happy. upon pressing further she said the reasons were 1. i didnt know how to treat a girlfriend. 2. I was judgmental 3. she didnt like how i treated people. 4. i didnt listen 5. i "bored the shit out of her" and 6. i didnt let her meet my parents and family.I find an issue with this because out of all her boyfriends, i was the only one who never cheated on her. she even had a bf that hit her once. and yet she said compared to the others i was only "okay". huh?Her saying i was judgmental also didnt make any sense because she said one of the reasons why she started liking me and loving me was because i didnt judge her, and i never did. I disagreed with some of the things she did, such as drinking alcohol on her lunch break, but i never looked down on her and insulted her.Then she said she didnt like how i treat people. Now i have aspergers disorder so social interactions dont come easily to me so sometimes i say the wrong things, but beyond that, the only people she saw me with were my close friends from back in highschool where we had a certain way of messing with each other. On a side not she herself says shes a heartless bitch to others, something i was fine with as long as she wasnt with me, so why she would bring up how i acted with people is beyond me.The gripe about me not listening pisses me off even to this day. I did listen, and the fact that the belief i didnt listen was a reason she dumped me makes it all the more annoying. despite not having the best social skills i have an uncanny knack for remembering things about people, so i probably know her better than anyone else.Her comment about me "boring the shit out of her" hurt a lot. i may not be an expert in relationships, but i know that if you really care about someone, just being with them makes you happy, even if youre doing nothing. and when we did just hang out at her house, we sometimes had a reason such as watching a movie or show, and when we didnt i would say "are you bored?" and she said no. and while it may be true i couldve done more, now that she told me that all i can think about is ideas of what we could do if i did have her.And finally what hurt her the most i believe was that entire time weve known each other, she has never met my parents. Because shes insecure she probably thought i was embarrassed of her. But the truth is i come from a very bad home with an abusive father and a compulsive liar of a mother. I didnt want to scare off a girlfriend of only three months by introducing her to something like that, and i tried explaining it to her by just saying "my parents are assholes".A few side notes that may have weight in my question:Meanwhile after giving all these reasons for breaking up, she says she still loves me and cares about me, and worst of all, "likes the real me", which doesnt make any sense since the very reasons she broke up with me shows she doesnt. and if i asked if she said that because she pitied me or felt bad, she said she initially felt bad but she doesnt anymore and she never pitied me.also, while i would like to have continued a friendship eventually, she bites off my head every time i talk to her at least once every time, complaining that i dont listen, even though what i talk about is all based on what she told me. anything i get wrong is because she didnt explain something fully.i asked her if she ever thought she would want to go back out with me one day and she said no. keep in mind though that this is a girl that absolutely hated me in high school and yet eventually came around to see i was actually a nice guy, something i have difficulty conveying thanks to my aspergers. and probably the biggest and most important thing is that a week and a half after she broke up with me (9 days) she got a new boyfriend. This shocked me because it wasnt like a rebound hook up or a sex thing, he was a legitimate boyfriend. what makes matter worse is that from what she told me hes only into her for sex. She initially met him while with me, but once he found out she was taken, he ignored her until she was single again, meaning that he got her into a relationship in a very short amount of time. while she says that a friendship developed, i disagree seeing as if he wanted a friendship he wouldnt have cared if she had a boyfriend. also, while my girlfriend just turned 19 and is only a sophomore in college, her new boyfriend is 28 years old with a 1 and half year old daughter, with the mother of the kid only 2 years older than my ex, meaning he got her pregnant at 19. To me this says this guy has a thing for teen girls. What confuses me is that she said after our break up we were too different, but what could she possibly have in common with a 28 yr old man with a daughter? my ex is mature for her age, but she can be very childish at time, okay for someone around her age but not a man on the brink of 30. I even brought up these points with her because i still care about her and in general i hate to see anyone get use like that. all she did was get pissed saying i didnt care how she felt.(oh and as an example of how shes a hypocrite, after we broke up she texted me one night complaining about how a 30 coworker of hers hit on her, and she said to me she thought he was a loser because hes 30 with a son and hes chasing after a 19 yr old girl. and yet she turns around and dates a 28 yr old with a kid saying age doesnt matter?) My question is: what should i do? should i hold out and see if i can convince her i "changed" from the guy she broke up with, and try it again? or is it my ego that been bruised and i cant see she's the one with the problem and that i probably wanted to break up with her? does anyone think that if we did get back together we could actually make it work, or would it break apart again? can i even be friends with her? (although im not even sure she still likes me). im really confused if i should even have feelings for a girl that hurt me and possibly lied, not to mention got with another guy so soon after breaking up with me. and forget any advice about going out with friends or seeing other girls. My friends are all off at their own colleges, and girlfriends are few and far in between for me. I only ask out a girl when i really believe we can have something.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C4 +, writes (11 December 2010):
A few things.
1) She clearly has a history and inclination for guys who treat her poorly. Since you say that isn't the case with you, then you're not the unstable type she's looking for / is used to. Younger women, for whatever reason, seem to have an affinity for jerks.
2) You are better than this. Move on. DO NOT try contacting her, proving you've changed, or anything of the sort. It makes you look needy and pathetic. This is coming from a guy who's made these exact blunders. I don't know you personally, but if it were me, I wouldn't put up with what she's giving you.
3) I have a friend with Asperger's, so I've witnessed the social difficulties you encounter. Just realize that, even though you approach things in an orderly and logical fashion, most other people do not.
4) If the dating pool is small, don't hang on to the mast of the sinking ship. Don't be afraid to be single.
Good luck, take the high road, and you'll be alright.
Cheers.
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