A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am questioning my relationship with my husband and his commitment to me. I feela s though his selfishness is getting in the way of our relationship. I have a 7 year old son who my husband has adopted and helped raise and my husband is very close to my niece and family as well. I was always the main bread winner, due to the economy I was laid off in the begining of the year but always had a part time job. I felt as though during this time it made me less of a person and since my husband was working and I was not I working full time I did everyhting I could around the house, for him, and for my son. During this time I felt as though our relationship suffered but did not want to start anything because I was not working. I am back working full time and our relationship is still suffering. His weekends are filled with fotoball and self fullfilling activities. This weekend I took my mother, my niece, my son, and myself to the zoo and instead of joining us he stayed home to watch football, Sunday I took my mom, my niece, and my son to church ( my son is prepapring in CCD) prior to that I ran errands, and was looking forward to spending an afternoon out to lunch with my husband and son. On the way home my husband called notified me his team was playing and it was on tv so we would be staying home and to stop at the store and get food because we weren't going to lunch anymore. He sat and watched tv the rest of the afternoon. These are important times that I feel he should be invovled and I do let him know and I feel it often falls on deaf ears. I feel as though he brags more about our dogs than he does our child. This has been a situation that has been an issue for a long time. I feel as though he can never give me the adult relationship that I desire so much. I a, not sure about my views on havong another child but he knows I like tot alk about it and I feel it is a beautiful thing to sit and share those things withy our spouse and there is somehting romatic about having conversations like that and it means si much too me. He knows how much this means to mean and this weekend he killed my spirit when I tried to start a conversation and he lashed out and asked why I beat a subjec tto deatht hat he would never have a child with me at all. Yesterday he tried to say that he did not say that when I tried to speak to him and tell him I had been thinking about our relationship. he really broke my heart and I want things and want to grow and i feel as though he is stuck being a little boy and will never give those things I truly desire. how do I reach out to him or make him the see this issues we have and that fact deep down inside he is killing me and the spirit that defines me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Dear lady,
i give very different perspective. It seems you are fairly independent financially and so seems to be him ( nearly ).
Once both are fairly independent and have their own spaces ( by mutual choices ), these type of issues comes up.
Probably you both need to connect more and reduce the space b/n. This is not done by demanding it. This is done through creating the basic shared activities from both sides. Like if he goes to his mom, you will certainly be with him and so is true for him. He will always be with you for a movie or shopping for the home etc.
you know he love sport , you will make coffee for him while he watch match and then ask for being with you etc etc,.
The mutual interdependence needs to be increased on daily life b/n you and him. And most of times you will need to take the first steps to get him on to you.
A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (12 October 2010):
Hi there,You really need to sit down with your husband in a neutral environment and discuss both your problems rationally. You mentioned that your husband is into bodybuilding,does he take steroids? If he does it could account for his moody and depressive behaviour. Maybe he doesnt feel in control of his life anymore. He actually sounds quite an unhappy person and you need to know why. You sound a very strong, confident person and maybe he feels resentful of this as perhaps he hasnt done as well in his life as he would like. By projecting this negative vibe it has made you frustrated and resentful of him. What is all this doing to your little boy? Kids are like satellite dishes, they pick up on everything and for him to see the people he loves most in his world putting eachother through hell because they cannot communicate properly must be torture for him so for his sake get yourselves sorted before its too late.I wish you all the very best and I sincerely hope you can get it sorted.
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A
female
reader, madeinbelfast +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Counselling can only surely benefit both of you, if you both want to be there, is he goin to satisfy you ? If you feel empty inside because of his treatment towards you, perhaps it's time to walk away. You sound really unhappy and the main cause of that seems to be him .. Your happiness is the utmost priority. If you need him to make you feel whole or fulfilled and he can't compromise, then you're with the wrong man and in time you'll resent him.. Giving all your energy to one person isn't good, especially when it's one sided.. Relationships should be fun and filled with respect, consideration and love as well as the daily dramas we all come across, but 2 heads are supposed to be better than one in a crisis etc, seems like you're goin in opposite directions - Fighting to make it work, will make it worse and is not good for your well being.. How about a holiday, just you and some girl friends, even a weekend, let him look after your son - it'd give u both some space and he won't take you for granted once he sees the daily housework you do etc .. Sometimes we don't realise what we have until we lose it, perhaps a short sharp lesson for him will change his attitude..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Glad to help out. Get me on certain topics and I assure you that my name fits. ;-)
I hope that you can work this out, even if it means leaving the marriage. Relationships are about mutual compromise. When all of the bending comes from one side, it is likely to cause that person to break. I hope you can find a solution before that happens!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Thank you dirtball althought I don't feel your name fits your advice and words are helpful and put me in a great direction
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 October 2010):
Have you told him these feelings? I'm guessing you have, and I'm pleased to hear that you're in therapy.
Ok, part of the problem is your husband, but part of it is also you. You facilitate all of his behavior. You sacrifice for yourself, and that's fine, but you shouldn't be allowing him to go and get dolled up if that doesn't fit the budget. I agree that he seems immature for his age, but really, what's his motivation to grow up? He doesn't have one that I can see.
Honestly I think you should see where therapy gets you, but I also don't see him changing. It may be time to consider divorce. Still, with so many broken marriages, I am happy to see you trying to save yours. It's a shame he's unwilling to compromise as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I am not trying to be selfish or cruel just trying to understand some feeling I have
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): we actually have done counseling and I beleive there are great things that come from seeing a therapist even when there is nothing "wrong" given how difficult life and relationships are these days. We are on a break while our therapist deals with a family death. In regards to showing interest....I do .... I have a closet full of Jerseys for 'our" team that I put on and sit in front of the tv or the tail gates or the sports bar and show a genuine interest in his hobbies. I have even told him on several occasions that when I ask to do something he needs to show the same type of enthusiasm....I tell him I do these things not because I love them but I love the satisfaction I get seeing you and our son have fun and enjoy yourself. This situation just really kills me because i feel that i give and give and give and give and feel like i am empty inside and it kills me more to see him so full and satisfied. He lacks ambition something I have a lot of but what scares me most is that I am loosing myself and my identity and for someone as self strong and independent is a huge loss. I feel as though as time goes on I loos more of myself and my dreams and ambitions to this relationship and loose any chance I have of reaching certain goals because his immaturity and selfishness holds us back. I am afraid to leave because of my son and nieces connection. I just feel like leaving always isnt the answer and somehow all my life i have tried to make everyone happy and i am hurting inside and i tell him and a simple hug doesnt always fix that hurt and he knows but the more I fall into this the harder I find it is to get out. i used to be so put together and so in control, even yesterday while I was working all day, manage to throw on a pair of jeans and quick shirt and a hat to cover my hair that had fallen out of place, hope in the 'mom' car, run pick up my son, running wild with errands on my way to drop my son off to practice i ran into a good friend of mine the parking lot my hand full of jackets bound for the cleaners... he in his brand new jaguar top down sun glasses on...for once in my life i was embarrassed... embarrassed I could be seen like that at an extremely low point for me tired ragged and a mess. While my husband has the nicest clothes (If I even attempt to get something from myself its often on clearance, uber sale, or a target or walmart not that there is anything wrong with that but i work hard and get little)...he goes nowhere when I try to get hi out of the house he complains all the time...he whined for an hour while in an adult vacation with a group that he was starving like a little child and his complaining ruined the trip for the group of people we were with and they still talk about it to this day. ...he makes sure his hair is perfect..I had my hair stylist friend do mine havent had it salon done in forever.. am I not jealous of my husband...no...but I fell that his concern for himself often over shadows and blurrs his vision about his needs for the family...I cannot understand how my husband can sit there and see me in this state and do nothing. often in therapy he makes himself out to be the mouse-y guy and that I over whelm him and he is the victim and I point out often this is not the truth...I completely forgot to point out my husband is 13 years older than I am. He is a bodybuilder as well and often puts the gym ahead of things too. i just feel so lost and alone and hurt lately, some of my only joy and love comes from my son and my dogs ...I dont question my husbands love just his commitment and ability to handle and adult life. I feel like he is cracking and dropping the ball so many times. At his age m any men have established lives and when we met and married he had that...it has since fallen apart..and I want my happy back and feel that this life is not going to give it to me.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 October 2010):
To me, it sounds like he's asking himself similar questions to the ones you're asking yourself. His acting out this way is his way of testing the waters, of trying to establish some form of dominance, of seeing just how much of his crap you'll take. He likely liked being the bread winner, even if it wasn't for long. That's a very "man" thing to want to be the provider.
Now, the stuff said out of anger should be taken in a different light. All people say things they don't really mean when they are mad. Sometimes true feelings will come out in their extreme, which is likely what his statements reflect in my eyes. He was already on the defensive because you were mad at him for skipping out on family events, so choosing to discuss them at that time might not have been the best idea.
You two need to talk this out. Possibly a relationship councelor would be necessary so that you can both express your feelings and have a moderator to keep things on a productive track. I would also seek compromise. I know that during football season I'm unreachable during games. I don't care what it is, I'll adjust my schedule so that I can watch. He sounds like he's of a similar mindset. Perhaps, getting him something like a DVR might help. It would allow him to record the game and still do the family activities. Or, you could make the game a family activity. You may not like sports, but showing some interest in something he likes might make him more flexible toward doing things he doesn't like. Give and take.
I hope you can work through this. I honestly think some therapy will be the best course of action for you both.
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A
female
reader, madeinbelfast +, writes (12 October 2010):
He isn't killing you, you're killing yourself.. You are analysing every aspect of his behaviour and assuming it's a negative. If you are constantly wanting emotional conversations with him and he's not responding, let it go, because if you keep on and on, you get the response you're getting, that you are beating to death the same question.. You are being considered as naggin him and that is no way to enjoy each others company, nor is it positive for your own self esteem.. Let him enjoy his football, u can enjoy your activities without him.. You don't NEED him to be with you all the time, maybe he doesn't like church.. Once your child is in bed and it's just you and your husband, think about what he loves, should it be a bar of chocolate, a cup of tea or a beer, get him one and add a kiss, there's no law to say only men can be romantic.. Don't over power him with questions or demands.. Take a step back and focus on his good points. Constant negativity will get you the same back and make u feel insecure.. But you can bet he's feeling insecure as well, hence why he's throwing himself into football and his friends. They won't be wanting to chat about his faults like you're doing.. Leave the little one playing and nip out to the shop, let them spend some time together alone.. You state you feel you were always the main bread winner, that would be a put down to him, men like to think they take care of their wives and children, which u seem to want from him, but there's an element in your question that suggests you like control, u can't have it both ways .. Sometimes it's nice to relax, have a cuddle and not speak, actions speak louder than words. Give the guy a chance to be himself and not who u want him to be ..
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