A
female
age
30-35,
*rimroseHill
writes:Hi everyone,I'd really value your thoughts and advice on my situation.First I'll give a bit of background to give you a better picture. I'm a 24 year old black girl from London and I am primarily (but not exclusively) attracted to white men (I think this is purely owed to the fact that as a child I grew up in overwhelmingly white surroundings.) I wish this wasn't so as it's been a source of so much pain to me since my teens. Besides dating etc I have a rich life and many cultural interests. I went to a top ranking university, I am articulate and easy to talk to. I have a few close friends and I am sociable. It feels strange describing myself like this! I would like to hazard a guess that I am not arrogant or rude. When it comes to looks it's a bit complicated- I had what I now know was Body Dysmorphia from my early teens to my early twenties. Thankfully I didn't suffer from an eating disorder, however my self esteem took a real battering. I am now at a point where I am not afraid to buy clothes or take a compliment (without thinking the person giving it is lying or making fun of me). I am now starting to recognise that I'm not hideous and I deserve to look after myself just as any other woman should.Despite growing in self love and confidence, there is still something hanging over my head that pains me. I just don't feel white men are attracted to me. My countenance or appearance isn't disagreeable. I've got prettier as I've got older. However, I think my body or look may not appeal to them. I'm a well proportioned size 12/14 (UK) hourglass figure and I think I have classically feminine features. I definitely have thighs! Think Nigella Lawson pre-weight loss! I love to have a good time, but I don't like to get seriously physically intimate with a man until I know and trust him. I haven't had sex yet- I don't say this with remorse and I'm by no means a prude (I have kinky tastes and have dabbled in them). The type of men I'm attracted to in particular (geeky looking professional white guys) tend to be with Asian women if they date outside their race at all. Because I spent so many years telling myself that no man would be attracted to me, even though I don't believe that any more I simply cannot tell when or if a man is attracted to me. I honestly feel like I'm too different to be attractive to men I'm highly attracted to and this hurts me so much. It makes me question if all of those thoughts I had over the years of being ugly were really true and all those feelings of never being desired (or at least not having knowledge of such desire) by guys at school or university flood back and I feel so rejected.Have you experienced anything similar? Or do you have any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Glad to help OP ;-)
Something else to recommend is exercise. Other than physical fitness and stamina, it does wonders for your confidence and boosts your positive outlook. It doesn't have to be a gym - just something that gets your blood pumping and your heart racing will do the trick. Even if it's dancing to your favourite songs a few times a week!
best wishes
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (29 June 2014):
 It could be since you assume white men won't be interested in you, you send out signals to them of not being interested. Odd as that may sound.
I'm a mix of white, American Indian, and black. Back when I first started wanting to date I thought I was unattractive, and didn't "fit in" with any race. Since I had this mindset, without realizing it I was pushing men away. I didn't smile that much around men, and tended to shy away from them because I figured they would never be interested. I did have a few men show interest, but they turned out to be the type of men who prey on women with low self esteem. What this told me was people can tell how you feel about yourself just by how you carry yourself. You don't have to say a thing.
It's good that you are working on your confidence. This will go a long way, so try not to get discouraged now. I know, easier said than done. I recommend talking to guys you are interested in. There will be some who won't feel the same, you just can't let that keep you from trying.
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A
female
reader, PrimroseHill +, writes (29 June 2014):
PrimroseHill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon Male- thanks for your insight. It's useful to know a man's p.o.v. An overhang of the Body Dysmorophic Disorder is that I tend to catastophise my perception of others perceptions in that I assume the worst and I assume it's true! I'm teaching myself not to do that, and knowing that helps. Also I'm naturally submissive and rather quiet, particularly around men I find attractive. I tend to either ignore them or make interaction as brief as possible to limit the pain of rejection or dismissal I so often anticipate. I give very little away, so I'll let go a bit more. Anon female 24- I am so so glad I came on this site and asked this question for you to have answered. I must've ready your response about ten times and I will continue to read it again and again to make sure I absorb and put into practice your ace advice. You're completely right- to some self love comes naturally, but I honestly find it incredibly difficult. I don't appreciate what I have, and I don't carry what I have with an attractive confidence- so why should others appreciate what I have and be confident in me? I think sometimes I use the colour of my skin to hide behind the self-love issue as it's easier to do that than to except and love myself. I can't thank you enough for your advice- thank you thank you thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014): Black 24 year old female Londoner who grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood here. I too went to a top university and am into 'geeky' types. I'm not exactly petite either; size 10 - 12.My fiance is white and all my previous relationships have been with white men.I'm sharing my story to illustrate that you can't reduce your issue to race. Your perception of things when you say 'I just don't feel white men are attracted to me' is way off the mark because evidently there is someone out there who has a somewhat similar background who manages to get attention from the men that you strive for.Kudos to you for having overcome your Body Dysmorphia and starting the path to self love and confidence. However, I get the impression that you still have more room to grow in terms of self love. You may have stopped hating yourself and seeing yourself in a warped way but you need to learn to appreciate and have pride in who you are and what you have. Most of the time when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I smile inwardly and think 'Goodness, if I weren't me, I'd definitely date myself.' That is not arrogance or conceit but it is me appreciating myself. Of course I have days when I don't feel so confident but by and large I would say I find myself beautiful. Consequently, I carry myself in a relaxed, carefree manner that draws people to me. I am not afraid to laugh and be myself out of fear that I am less than. I am confident enough to smile flirtatiously or make suggestive eye contact with someone I am attracted to because I feel that I am worthy. I am not suggesting that you dress provocatively and speak in innuendos to be sexy and get attention. I am suggesting that you see the beauty in yourself. Recognise that you have something attractive to offer. Only then will you be relaxed enough to laugh unreservedly and let natural flirtation take it's course. As it stands, you are too preoccupied with whether you have something to offer to realise that many people black, blue or white are interested in you.My advice to you is as follows;1) Widen your parameters of what constitutes beauty. The ugly duckling felt ugly because it was comparing itself to ducks when it was a swan. Embrace your physical beauty in the same way you have embraced your intellectual talent.2)Join societies or clubs to share your interests and hobbies with similar minded people.3)Focus less on race, yours or his. Ultimately, whoever you fall in love with, it will be because of their personality.4)Dare to hold your gaze for that second longer if you like someone. Good luck in loving yourself and others
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014): As a white man I normally assume that black women aren't interested in me romantically. Even if the are talkative, we hit it off in a friendly way, etc. I am not saying its right or fair but I am being honest. It has just been my experience that most of them are not.
When you are talking to a black man you can probably afford to be pretty reserved and he will make a pass on his own just because its normal to think you might be attracted to him. But when going after geeky white guys you may need to be a little more assertive than with other races.
I am not necessarily saying you should be more sexual than you feel comfortable with, but you may need to be more romantic if you get my meaning. As in, be more overt in letting them know you might have a non-platonic feelings about them at all. They will probably be able to take a hint well enough. But they may never think about the possibility unless you give that first hint.
Also, geeky white guys are not known for being very good at picking up when ANY woman is hitting on them, even a white or Asian one. You are tackling a tough job in that sense too.
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A
female
reader, PrimroseHill +, writes (28 June 2014):
PrimroseHill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous,
Many thanks for your empathy, insight and kind words. I completely agree that it is mean and unwise to be so racially selective when it comes to dating. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have tried to force myself to be physically attracted to black guys and the majority of the time I'm not. I wish I was as I know I should be more open minded and I know there are men who do the same thing and it hurts people. I indeed have been on the receiving end on this from black guys. I remember the first crush I had in secondary school was on a black guy, but he- and the other black boys in my year- made it very clear that they were only interested in white girls (I was the only black girl in my year most of the time throughout secondary school). The only time a black guy ever paid me any attention in that kind of way was when we had an African American guy in sixth form (the two years before university). We were doing a presentation and he called me his"beautiful colleague" and I actually had to stop for a moment- I couldn't believe what I heard and I was so flattered and surprised and confused!
This has definitely continued after school. Black guys who I could potentially be interested in the overwhelming majority of the time have non black girlfriends/wives or are explicitly seeking non black women. I'm not judging them for their preference, but you're right- people end up being hurt!
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A
female
reader, PrimroseHill +, writes (28 June 2014):
PrimroseHill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your responses guys. Oldbag (great name btw) I have tried online dating. Nothing has come of it as I think most of the guys who I met were looking to rush into sexual relationship- which is fine but it's not something I wanted to cater to- or they simply weren't interested. I've put a hold on doing that as when guys don't call I take it personally and it plays on underlying insecurities and I take two steps back with regards to my self esteem as it were. You're right- London is crazy when it comes to dating, as with any other city I suspect, and the whole idea of being in a big competition is scary to me! It's only recently I've seen myself as part of this competition as opposed to an onlooker. I think you're totally right I will try to get myself out there more.
CMMP you've hit the nail on the head. I do act really unnaturally because I am so self aware and I conclude very quickly that men don't find me attractive. This makes me miserable and a duller version of myself. I really wish I could teach myself not to care! I will endeavour to apply your wisdom- thanks!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Londons a melting pot of cultural differences. The only person setting limits is you.
Men I know don't give a damn about colour. In fact people I know don't even register the different races, unless the other doesn't speak English.
Their work colleagues and friends are just that, known by name not their skin or nationality.
Your not ugly, too fat too skinny - your just one of thousands of single, bright, intelligent women in London
There are single men too, looking for love. So start your hunt, try online dating for young professionals, try speed dating.
Try to relax too, go to football, cricket, local hardware store, buy a dog. Just get out there, smiling.
You will find love, there is nothing wrong with you, the competition is stiff, that's all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): It really, really sucks that society deems whiteness as "true" beauty. It conditions white men to think of black women as undesirable and NONE OF THAT IS YOUR FAULT. It's racism and it's such a damn shame. There is no advice I can give when it's so totally out of your hands. You are likely a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman.
That said, even pretty little white girls don't get everything they want, so don't try to look for flaws in yourself because sometimes it just doesn't work out with the people you had your eye on. Sometimes it's just straight up luck.
All I can say is that you WILL find someone awesome (I had to wait 27 years to find someone who'd love me for me) and it's going to feel so good. I signed up for an internet dating site and that worked out well for me. I know it has its downsides and I know the stigma, but it does open up the dating pool quite a bit. You'll probably find someone just as desperate (and good-looking!) as you. And you are very much better off without any guy who won't give you the time of day.
I'd also suggest that you maybe don't eliminate entire races of people from your interest. That may be what these white men are doing to you ("I only like white/asian girls"), and that's not very nice, is it? You have no way of knowing if one race or not will attract you and it's a bit mean to just scratch them off the list before even looking at them. So ... treat others the way you want to be treated?
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (28 June 2014):
I think that one of the problems is that you don't know when a white guy will find you attractive and a white guy may not know when you'll find him attractive. It's always assumed that people of the same race could possibly be attracted to each other, but for interracial relationships it's a gamble.
So your concern is probably holding you back from acting natural (same with the white guy). If I was you I'd proceed as if no one is off limits. Don't decide for a guy, let him decide. If he declines don't take it personal, chalk it up to a racist ideal of beauty that we've all had shoved down our throats for a long time.
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