A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in an uncomfortable situation.I am currently in a relationship, we've been together since october of 2009 and the problem is that my feelings for him are slowing fading. When we met things were cool, you know the whole "honeymoonish" thing. But as we got to know each other, I realized that there are some things that I'm having a hard time accepting. I know that in every relationship there are always going to be the little things. But with this guy, I just can't get past them.We are 14 years apart (I'm in my 20's, he in his mid/late 30's) and the age which was never an issue when we began dating, has become an issue now: because he treats me like a child. He talks to me the same way he talks to his 8 year old son and I constantly ask him to please stop. I am young, but I am a very bright young woman. I have a college education and a very good job/career. My head is on straight,I know where I want to go in life. I do not claim to know everything, but I know enough to help sustain me. And although I do appreciate my boyfriends advice: crossing the line is when he tries to "father" me. My father is very much alive and does NOT need my boyfriend's help. He also compares me to his sons mother which for me is degrading. I am not, nor could ever be who she is. I do respect her as his sons mother, but I don't feel that I should have to make those changes to be like her to please him. At the end of December 2009, I had to move back home (out of state) to help my mother who suffered 3 strokes and a heart attack. It was a very sudden thing and as you can imagine, my boyfriend was very upset. Being away was hard, i admit that and difficult to deal with. But my boyfriends way of handling the distance was tormenting. He would call me no less than 8 times daily and constantly start arguments, confusion and stress adding to stress I already had. He even broke up with me saying that i "left to be with someone else"...which is so far from the truth. I am now 3 1/2 months pregnant. My boyfriend has grown s close to me since the few months that we met, i believe overly close is a better way of saying it. I believe that now this pregnancy is bringing him even closer. He has also said and even proven that he loves me. But my heart is not there with him anymore, I don't feel that my future is to be shared with him. I just don't know how to tell him. Part of me is also worried about his reaction will affect his health. He has high blood pressure, diabetes and kidney problems. I am worried that my breaking up with him will have a very affect on his health. But I don't want to live like this. I'm not sure if being pregnant is intensifying these feelings or what, but everything he does offends me. I do care for him, but the love that I once felt is slowing passing and I can't keep telling my mind to do what my heart isn't letting me.Please tell me how I can this matter with delicacy. I know it will hurt him regardless but I just need someone to at least help me gather the words or just guide me in a way to approach this. Thanks so much in advance for responses and if more details are needed, please say so and will put them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, they were very helpful to me & I appreciate everything said! Thanks so much :)
To domo kun: when I say "I have my head on straight", I am referring to the fact that I know where I am headed in my life. That statement had nothing to do with me being pregnant, in a relationship or anything else, it is only concerning my future. Also, I have taken the fullest responsibility to the things that I have let happen in the relationship & whether me getting pregnant so soon for my boyfriend is "crazy"...it is what it is. I only asked how to approach this matter, not to be reminded of the time frame in which I became pregnant. Like you said in so many words: I need to focus on what to do next! I can't go back and change what happened, I can only move forward.
However I do appreciate your advice very & will apply a few things you have suggested to my situation. Thanks again! :)
A
female
reader, brigid.imagine  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 You're very young, and what's more, bringing a new life into the world. If this man isn't the one for you, then don't stay with him. Simple. You have the rest of your life, you want to spend it with someone you really, really love. Not this man, from what you have said. And although you will have to put up with him to a certain extent on behalf of your child, you don't have to stay in a relationship with him. Concentrate on your own happiness, your child's happiness. Don't just accept less than you want!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): You definitely sound unhappy. First of all, consider your safety. I know that might sound rash, but some people spend a lifetime being passive and then crack. He sounds extremely controlling, so just consider that.
If I was you, I'd have this talk in person. Preferably somewhere like a restaurant with private enough seating, so that way he'll have some sense of social control and not go off screaming into a psychotic rage. And if he does, then well, he'll just look ridiculous and at least you'll have been honest.
Yes, it will hurt him, but his health problems aren't your concern when it comes to this. He's responsible for his own well-being.
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A
female
reader, glassslippers +, writes (4 March 2010):
I have been in this situation but without the pregnant part. You are going to have permanant ties with him since he is the father of your child but you do not have to share your life with him. It will be hard. I just broke it off with someone I was soooo worried about and it did not affect him the way I thought it would. If you don't love him the way you should, you have to let him go. The longer you let things linger the worse they will be on him. He is going to have to find his own support system, it can't be you. You need to have a life and you deserve to be happy. Life is not always fair to everyone all the time but you should not have to suffer or settle. It will make you resentful in the end. He doesn't sound like a great person to you anyway. I hope I help in some tiny way. Good luck!
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