A
male
age
41-50,
*ellbent
writes:Dear fellow readers.My predicament is as such, My wife and I own our own house, we have just had a son ( currently 9 months old) and my wife's mother lives with us. I do not wish for this to be happening much longer as it affecting our relationship, on my part anyway, the action has stopped and I feel outnumbered in my own house. There is always two sets of opinions to deal with, she is nosy and it is not how I pictured my married life would be. This upsets me so much that I consider at times just packing my things and moving out. I have told my wife how i feel and all i get from her is resistance and I feel disrespected and certainly not the ing of my castle. I am at my wits end does anyone have any advice for me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): when people marry they leave their family of origin to "cleave" to their spouse (in biblical terms).
therefore it should be you and your wife as a single entity, with her mother as the outsider. Not your wife and her mom as a united front and you as the outsider.
I suspect that the reason your mother in law lives with you is to help with baby care?
if so, can you replace your mother in law with a hired babysitter?
It really is a problem - I've seen this in other people - when people place their relatives in higher regard than their own spouses. A friend of mine is in a similar situation: wife just had their first kid and her mother now lives with them. And he has no say in anything in his life, his only purpose is to bring home the money (not that he has any say in how that money is spent) and provide the health insurance and the extra pair of hands to help change diapers. And to fix things around the house, and chauffeur the wife and mother in law around....while he is not allowed to be an equal decision maker instead he gets bossed around by his wife and mother in law. it's a pretty sad way to live. It's downright exploitative yet he's under a lot of social pressure to keep living like this because it's his duty as a husband and father to provide for the family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Speak up, but not in an angry tone. Instead try to have a calm and rational discussion. Tell her how you feel. Ask if you can compromise, like maybe pay for your mother in law to get her own apartment close by.
If your wife really has complete disregard for your feelings and needs, then it may be wise to move out and separate. The issue is not that your mother in law lives with you, it's that you are married to someone who completely disregards your feelings and needs while you have been compromising. This is not good for your long term psychological health so you would be better of separated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): First things first why is your mother in law living with you?
Mine lives with us so I know how hard it can be, she is 86 and needs looking after, but judging by your ages I don't think that is the case with your MIL. My first thought, is that if it at all possible then she should move out. If not you have to get your wife to see that you are married to her and you need the pair of you need to put our a untied front at all time. You mother in law has to learn where her place is in your home.
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A
female
reader, golddigger99  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 I have seen a marriage end for this very reason. My advise to you is get her out of the house. I understand that this is not something that your wife would be happy with, but if she doesn't agree to this, it is possible that your marriage will not last much longer.
Consider talking to your mother-in-law on a one to one basis. Let her know how you're feeling and what you think is best. If your mother-in-law truely loves you and her daughter, then she will understand. I'm not sure what the circumstances are that led to her living with you, but if it takes extra cash to get her out the door, give it to her. Anything for your marriage! Good Luck!
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