A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found out my ex-fiance had slept with a co-worker behind my back. i posted a distressing agony on here. but the thing is i am obsessed with this girl. and i say girl becuase she was only 17. I just cant explain it, but im obsessed. i hate her and im not the hating person. i dont feel this is normal becuase i look at her profiles on various sites everyday. and i knwo i shouldnt but i do. i need any advice please!! x
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female
reader, disgusted  +, writes (18 August 2008):
In the same boat girl, in the same boat! I left my ex girlfriend months ago but tried to be her friend. She used our "friendship" get back at me for hurting her. With all the negative stuff she's done, plus she isn't a good person to be with anyways because she has nothing going for her self, I still find myself looking her up on the internet, putting call block on and calling her, and emailing her everyday with random stupid stuff. It feels like she's left me. I'm coming to the conclusion that I fell in love with her potential. Maybe one day she will get her shit together and I don't want to feel I'm missing out on that. But what you see is what you get. We can't waste today on what could be, we have to live and let go so we will see it when someone who will love us right comes along. good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Some very good answers here on your delima, I understand the root cause of your obsession with her, it is a deep emotional hurt and you are losing your self esteem in the process by refocusing your obsessive thoughts on the girl that you think took your man away from you and by internalizing his rejection of you and making it a part of who you are. First off she didn't take him away, he did that all on his own, he fooled you and the reason he did that is he is an immature and emotionally unavailable man, and you believed him because he had asked you to marry him after all, sometimes guys do what they think is expected of them, like ask you to marry, when they really are not mature enough to make that kind of a decision for themselves. So don't let this make you believe there is something lacking in you or that she is better than you and that is why he did what he did...it isn't about you, it is about what is lacking in him.
One thing that helps me is to realize that love is not a feeling, people who are emotionally immature don't get this...of course what you are after is good feelings that you get from being with someone that you are compatible with and are attracted to on many levels, but love is really a conscious decision that we make to be worthy of love it is all about committing to the other person and putting their needs first most of the time....so once you realize this, his behavior is not about you, it is about him not being able to make a commitment, he is the one who is not worthy of love, do you get that?
But enough about the reasons, what is of concern here is you and your wasting precious time and emotional energy on watching this girl, and looking at various web sites that she is on, and obsessing over what could be going on. Perhaps the reasons don't make a bit of difference to you and don't make you feel better, that is a trick, insight does not make the hurt and pain go away, sadly.
But behavior modification does. People are creatures of habit and we can replace a bad habit with a good one just as easily as we can with a bad one.
Everytime you feel the need to get up go to the computer and look her up, stop and replace this behavior with something else you enjoy, call a friend or family member for a chat, walk your dog, go excercise, pick up something to read to take your mind off her....do this EVERY time you have an obsessive thought or do and obsessive thing concerning her, and in time, you will have stopped this distressful behavior and you will notice the pain you feel has gone away.
This fiance of yours is a jerk, forget him too, in the same way...Modify your behavior and the results will be your increasing happiness and increasing confidence in gaining your self esteem back....You can do this, just get started now.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi,
you know you have to stop this. For a start, this is just a young girl who was seduced by an older bloke who wiled her with his charms. If anybody should recieve your anger it should be your ex, he is the lying cheating rat, she is just a young girl who got caught up with him.
But directing your anger towards your ex is also not a healthy thing, you need to be moving on and putting this sorry affair behind you. If you carry this around in your head you are only going to ruin future relationships as you will bring a whole suitcase full of emotional baggage with you.
The easiest thing to do is stop looking at her stuff on the internet, that is much easier than clearing the emotional distress from your head as you can simply choose not to click on a particular website. The healing process will start once you stop obsessing over this girl. And just remember she is just a young girl who got seduced by an older more experienced man - she did wrong but really she is not the one to blame here.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, °Ale°  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Oh dear... your post is something I would have written not long ago. You have to stop looking at her things online, you're only hurting yourself every EVERY single time you do that. I know its hard not to do, but she was a MISTAKE you can't possibly compare such thing with the kind of person that you are. You can't keep going back to the past and not allow yourself to move on and start fresh to what is yet to come into your life. You gotta make yourself a clean blade so that in a near future you're wiser and ready for a better and more prosperous relationship.
... my advice to you, whenever you get that feeling of looking at her profiles or feel down because of what she did. Look at YOUR life and decide what your profile its going to be in the years to come. Is it going to read "Sad and bitter girl" or " Very much in love and loving life"
Smile, the best is yet to come :)
Ale
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