A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I want to preface this post by saying that I have read a lot of the retroactive jealousy threads both here and on other sites. I realize this is mostly my problem, not my wife's. I don't absolve her completely, because I think a smart, respectable woman wouldn't have done some of the things she has done. However, it is making me very unhappy and I don't know what to do.I was a virgin when I met my wife at age 19. She was not. She is 3 years older and had a much more colorful past than I did. I wish I didn't know so much about it, but for various reasons I do and I can't undo that. I was rather upset with her at the beginning of the relationship, but I thought I could handle it. However, over the years I have learned more and more about her one night stands, her flings in Europe, and other sexcapades that I never knew about. I am growing more and more resentful of and disgusted by her. She doesn't understand what the big deal is about it. She says she is sorry that I didn't get to have those experiences, but why should it matter?The reality is that I had a strong religious upbringing, I take sex very seriously (love is a prerequisite for sex with me), and I suppose I am insecure. The fact that there are men out there (some of whom she still talks to) who have "had" her in a casual manner (not as part of a serious relationship) makes me sick to my stomach. I have hunted some of them down (just to see who they were and what had become of them) and I have dark thoughts about them sometimes. I dream about tearing apart their marriages and making their lives as miserable as they have made mine. I tell my wife this sometimes and it scares her.She thinks I am crazy. She might be right.What makes it worse is that my wife and I don't have sex anymore. The sex stopped at some point. I was okay with it, but over time it gnaws at my soul and I begin to think about how she gave herself to other men she didn't even know but yet she won't give herself to me even though she professes to love me. I view her as confused at best and a profound liar at worst. Half the time I feel our whole marriage is a lie. I do love her, but I don't feel love can overcome these feelings of hurt, resentment, and outright rage.At my age I am certainly not going to find a woman without a past to be involved with. I seriously spend time considering if I want to leave my wife and live the life of a monk at this point. There could be something said for a life devoid of all sexual distractions. The other alternative in my mind is to leave her and go out and create my own past so that I can eventually find a woman I see as more of an equal. There is this tremendous imbalance in our relationship right now where I, truthfully, see her as somewhat of a slut because of her past. I thought I would be okay with this, but I am not and, as I said, as the years go by I learn more and more unflattering things about her past. She is not remorseful about it. She is very matter-of-fact, as I have learned from the Internet that most women seem to be. I guess the expectation is that men would have more experience and so women have come to accept that. Men who choose not to are seen as losers or to be pitied rather than as possessing strong convictions. I wish I could turn back the clock and would have left her early in the relationship. Else, I wish I had met her later in life after I had more experiences of my own so that I could be more forgiving of what everyone says is normal. Normal is all a matter of perception and "most people" are not normal to me at all in the sense that they treat sex very casually. I find that very abnormal. Sex to me is very sacred. The fact that she could have had kids with any of these men she slept with (she was never on the pill and usually relied on them to pull out; I was the first to insist on condoms) makes me sick. I don't think she see it that way at all, because it didn't happen. Will I be doing us both a favor if I leave at this point? What can I do to avoid feeling the way I do? I obviously need to work on me, but I don't know what to do.
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condom, her past, insecure, jealous, liar, one night stand, sexual past, the internet, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): The problem isn't her sexual past, it is your sexual present, and your and her emotional state of mind and the state of intimacy in your marriage.
"What makes it worse is that my wife and I don't have sex anymore."
That's a huge problem. If you were both getting your needs met, this wouldn't be an issue.
"She doesn't understand what the big deal is about it. She says she is sorry that I didn't get to have those experiences, but why should it matter?
"I suppose I am insecure."
This that you written here hints of much worse than insecurity.
"I have hunted some of them down (just to see who they were and what had become of them) and I have dark thoughts about them sometimes."
This is really worrisome. Please get professional help ASAP. You are acting like your wife had an affair, not a sexual past. Like they are still her partners.
"I dream about tearing apart their marriages and making their lives as miserable as they have made mine. I tell my wife this sometimes and it scares her."
It should, this is highly dysfunctional thinking, and you need to get counseling help.
You are also getting a lot of bad information from the internet. The following is not correct. In fact, in secret, in doctors office, with counselors, and hidden deeply, many women are terribly remorseful about their past sexual behaviors when they have been promiscuous. They don't tell many people this, they really can't, because they are unable to change the past, so remorse is privately managed for the most part.
"She is not remorseful about it. She is very matter-of-fact, as I have learned from the Internet that most women seem to be."
Don't trust the internet, not even this site, you can get information from all sorts of dysfunctional fucked up people.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): I really think you should seek counciling regarding this, it's very clear you are deeply troubled about this and it is having a profound affect on your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to confront these feelings and hopefully come to terms with them, until you do your relationship isn't going to move forward in a way that is satisfactory for either of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): So, you brought up the conversations about past lovers, you thought you could handle it, you now realize you really can't handle this knowledge, you blame your wife, you hate her past partners, you fantasize about violence towards them, your marriage has broken down because of your insecurity, and you resent your wife for this?!
If your religion holds sexual intimacy in high regard, is it also one that encourages forgiveness?
Out of everyone your wife has been with, she chose you to marry. You are special. She obviously loves you.
If you can't grow a pair, and get over the past...you should leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I am sorry that your putting yourself through so much pain, but you are the one putting yourself through it. I was 24 before I lost my virginity, not because of religious reasons, but because of who I am and that casual encounters are just not my thing. Your wife has a past, everyone has a past of some kind. You have a different kind of past, one of religion and very strong beliefs, but your wife didn't give up on you because your past didn't match hers, so why are you so willing to give up on someone you say you love and who loves you. Aren't we taught by religion that forgiveness is the answer. She did not cheat on you, she wasn't with you at the time of her past, and so she couldn't base her life decisions on the fact that she was going to meet you in the future. As for the other men they have done nothing to you at all, and wanting to hurt them is not right because they too don't believe the same as you. I have had a strict old fashioned upbringing, but I have learned to be tolerant and accepting of other people who do not believe the same as I do. For your own sake get some counseling because there are a lot of people in the world who won't believe the same as you who are wonderful and worthwhile people. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Try to get some help! I agree with the person below that you are taking this way too seriously. Everybody, when they are young, makes a lot of mistakes. Forgiveness is a great attribute if you can let yourself do it. But, otherwise, I just see you getting sick over this. It is not worth it. Get help. Otherwise, you are going to lose this woman and you will have a difficult time finding someone to replace her who is a good companion. "Forgiveness" and first "getting counseling" and help are what you need. Best to you!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 I happen to have the EXACT same situation but as older and (maybe wiser now). I think oh what the heck, who really cares? Iyt's not like I'm perfect and she's not so I plan to just flush it out of my brain and grow old with her. Besides what's the option?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): You see sex from a religious point of view. That's ok but you can't expect your non-religous partner to see it the same way. Sex is not sacred, it's just sex. Most of the people have trouble dealing with the past sex life of our partner, but that's something we've got to put up with. My girlfriend has also a pretty slutty past. Normally, a pretty girl who starts discovering her sexuality soon is gonna sleep with plenty of men probably. But you must think that she's with you because she loves you and there's no one in the world that can give her what you can. And if she's been with many men, she knows sex is not the most important thing. I hope you two get better
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Hi,
By reading your post, I can tell you are a smart, educated man. I am a little surprise though, by the way you think. You are in pain, and anger on your own.
First, you have to understand that everything that your wife did was in the past, way before she met you. So she didn't cheat on you, hurt you, or did anything wrong for you to be feeling this way.
Second, you shouldn't be angry at your wife, I'd the men she was involved with. You mentioned, you discover some of the men, and that you want to destroy their marriages because of all the pain they caused you? Please, these men have not done anything to you for you to feel anger, or think of revenge. I am surprise that a smart man like yourself, have been raised in a family with great morals would think, or feel this way.
I wish i could just grab you, and shake you. I am sorry to say this, but you are wrong here. All the pain you feel, you have no justification. It's all in your head, you are causing, and creating your own pain. You are making you, your wife, and your life miserable for no reason at all.
I am Asian, lived my whole life with my grandparents in the same house. I was raised very strict, were sex before marriage was absolutely out of question. Also, my grandparents are very religious. I understand how you feel. I didn't have sex until I was 25 years old. Until this day, I think sex sacred. I am 38 now, have been with 2 men, one was my ex-husband, 2nd year relationship. I still don't approve random sex, to me is not sex, is making love. I always had many female friends, they used to have sex all the time, one night stands, sometimes 3 different guys in one week. At
that time I could not understand their behavior, I thought my friends were
sluts. As I grow older, met many different kinds of people, I have different opinion now. I realize that not all people are the same. This is not about morals. Some people are more sexual than others. I know people that cannot go one day without sex. Not because they are sluts, but because they need, and enjoy. I myself, enjoy making love to the one I love. I've been single for a year now, don't have sex, because I am not in love with anybody. Of course, I could just go dates, have random sex, but that's just me. I do it because that's what I enjoy, not because of morals, shaw right or wrong.
I know you feel pain, you can't help feeling this way, but you have to understand that just because you are certain way, not everybody have the same opinion. I feel frustrated that you are going through so much pain, and anger for no reason.
You are young, healthy man. You have a wife that loves you, you have everything to be happy for. Stop wasting your life thinking about things that are unneccessary. Just know it's wrong the way you think, it's all in you head... If you cannot handle on your own, seek professional help, but try with open heart, for your own happiness, sanity to change. If you feel you can never get past this, then divorce your wife, because it's not fair to you and your wife.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 You sound quite articulate in defining and presenting your problem, and your thoughts/feelings about it, and you have researched about RJ. So I suspect you already know what you'd be supposed to do.
Seek professional help.
See a cognitive behavioural therapist to help you with dysfunctional thought process/perceptions. Or try a Rational- Emotional psychologist. Or, a plain good old psychiatrist : you are not " crazy" of course, but RJ shares traits with OCDs, you might even needs meds , who knows.
This of course, if you WANT to save your marriage and keep your wife. And if you want to change yourself, not your wife or her past ( you obviously could not anyway ).
If ,all in all, you have simply decided that you married the wrong woman, due to young age and inexperience, and can never be happy with someone like her, that's up to you. Divorce her and find a woman who shares your moral and sexual values.
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