A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just broke up with my boyfriend. When we got together, he was still very involved with his ex-girlfriend, they were sleeping together, he was paying her rent, he would compliment me and say "but C can never know that I said that." He told me that she hears everything. I thought I was a rebound for him, and we are long distance, and it hurt, but when I tried to break it off, when he was staying with her to dry her out (she's an alcoholic), he told me he loved me and I felt responsible. He had her name tattooed on him a couple times, and as the relationship developed, it turned into a major point of contention, as he didn't want to cover them up because it might hurt her. Flash forward a year, she moved away and came back for a visit. They still talk on the phone. He and his family all went out with her when she visited; he hung out with her twice and was trying to get his brother to rent her a car. This was the straw that broke my back--I have felt hurt and insecure in this area since the beginning, and he has refused to give her up. So, he can have her but not me, and I feel he has chosen her. My question is about his daughter--she is 11, and we have spent time together. She did whatever I did when we'd go out, and she's a huge reader and I was always buying her books.I am so angry with him and hurt by his actions. He tells me how I am the "one" etc., but won't jettison his baggage so we can be together and I feel comfortable. There is a great deal of pain for me to sort through, but I am not sure how to say goodbye to his daughter. I really like the kid, and will miss her. A friend suggested calling her and saying goodbye, but that seems wrong. Any advice?
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alcoholic, broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, long distance, tattoo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 April 2008):
 If these areas are difficult for you to handle, I'd advise not getting into relationships with people who have children. I agree with the other poster that it's okay to remain friends with the girl. If you decide to say goodbye, no matter how it's done, you're going to hurt this child.
From a different angle, he may have had some actions you didn't agree with. The main issue you face is with your own insecurities. You said she drinks a bunch. Is she manic depressive? If so, I wouldn't just run out and remove the name either, if it would hurt her. Reason being, emotions are different for those who consume a quantity of alcohol. Quite often to the point of self harm if faced with being hurt.
The reason you're not comfortable is because of your baggage, not his. It seems here that he had feelings for you, which you didn't feel the same, and are trying to find a way to justify that, without the personal responsability.
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