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male
age
41-50,
*ls77
writes:I am currently an 33 year old atheist and virgin. I used to be a devoted christian, but lost my faith some years ago. However, my feelings towards sex has remained the same (or even grown stronger) meaning that I still feel that sex should be "shared" with only one other person.When my friends heard that I lost my faith they started asking me why I still think this way about sex. I know that virginity is frowned upon by most people (including my friends), but is it really that unimaginable that a person might have such feelings/ideas towards sex without rooting them in religion?
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male
reader, als77 +, writes (25 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I didn't explain why I would feel "cheated" on, both because I find it very complicated and thereby difficult to explain, and because I already have tried to describe it a bit. Your guess did not hit the bulls eye, but it was absolutely not a total miss.
I didn't follow your thaughts on never being able to have an intimate relationship with anyone else. If I were to marry a virgin, and later divorcing her, then I don't think I would have the same feelings of being "cheated" on anymore.
I agree that it is ridiculous to claim to be a virgin if you regret having had sex, but I would feel less "cheated" on by such a person than a person that have had continuous sexual relationship with several boyfriends.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 January 2011):
 You said you know the feeling of feeling cheated on is not fair to other people, and so you have tried to change that. You however couldn't explain to me exactly why you feel this way. So, I will guess here. It is because of your desire to only be with one other person, and for that person to only be with you? You don't feel "cheated" on in the sense that that person has done anything wrong towards you, but you would feel cheated out on the "existence", almost, of it only ever having been the two of you.
Then, if that one person comes along, and should so happen that she breaks up with you, you will never again be able to have an intimate relationship with anyone else? That sounds dangerous. And thats what Im a bit concerned about, not how "unfair" it might be towards someone else. It sounds a bit unfair on you! Really, I don't think it sounds unfair towards others at all actually. We all have a preference, that would be the same as saying it's unfair towards overweight people to not want to be with them... It's not unfair, and you don't have to change that feeling of getting "cheated" on. Its how you feel, and I don't see that as any different than a person who wants to be with a fit woman will find himself cheated if he is forced to stay with an overweight woman. It's just not what would make him happy or complete his dreams.
The problem is just how cheated would you feel if you met this one perfect woman, but the relationship didn't work, and you found yourself alone? I assume you do not want to marry? Well... it will take some time to meet this perfect person for you, but there will always be hope. I do wonder, what if you met a person who converted just like you? That say had sex before, but has remained in celibacy for years because she too is searching for someone truly special to be with forever? Just an idea. Shooting around ideas to yourself about different scenarios will make you better prepared for who to turn down, and who to explore a closer friendship, possible relationship, with. And how far is too far when it comes to sexual experience? That she has never had a penis in her vagina? What about if she had anal? Or blowjobs, fingering etc. Just where does the line go? Be cautious of that as well, because people WILL call themselves virgins in all different types of styles depending on what suits that one person best. I've seen christian girls who have done everything BUT penetration of the vagina, and claim to be virgin. But in my book if you've had it up you're ass you're not much of a virgin anymore. But women can determine themselves as virgins even if they HAVE had intercourse, but the intercourse for example didn't break their hymen etc. The word virgin has really lost it's original meaning and is being said about pretty much anything these days. For example many girls are told that if they just regretted their first time they can write it off and still claim to be a virgin! Stupidest thing I've ever heard, but hey, that's what people believe out there. Just a warning for you.
Btw, I am writing mostly because I find the discussion educational, I love to learn about how others thinks and see how they view different ideas.
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reader, als77 +, writes (13 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl: (takk for tilbakemeldingene)
You're right, the world isn't black/white, but some people (including me...) have a tendency to (at least sometimes) view it in black/white. However, regarding religion I have seen (felt) how much misery this may (may...) inflict, and therefor I am not very happy towards it. Even though a person may be semi-religious in a "normal state", things tend to change when that person get children. I have not been able to forgive myself (at least not yet) for the misery (and wounds) I brought upon myself through my former faith, which is one reason to my black/white perspective regarding religion (for my partner that is).
Why I feel cheated on? (BTW: Thank you for not being provoced by my (unfair) "comparison"). The answer to that is probably almost only irrational, so I'll not go into it :) (more that I already have that is). I know that this feeling is not fair towards other people, and I try to say this to myself almost every day, but it hasn't changed my feelings towards it (at least not yet).
I were actually thinking cheating towards YOU... I would not end a friendship with a friend because (s)he has cheated, but I would not be able to forgive my partner for cheating on me.
I do have happyness inside myself, but I am not content with life... hehe But more seriously, I have some issues (as you see) that affects my life. Being with a person that "provoces" these issues will be difficult, in contrast with being with a person that "fullfills" the issues
The likeliness of a first relationship to fail is a very good point, and I guess it gets even more valid through the generations! Most of our ideas of a relationship comes from movies, and there one can see that a relationship does not take any effort (and if it does, then one should move on). This is a very dangerous delusion, since any relationship takes work! That is why I like the saying: "You don't know if you really love a person before the chrush has faded away".
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reader, chigirl +, writes (10 January 2011):
"How should a christian/muslim person be able to accept this, even if not devoted (at the time being)? "
The world isn't black an white for the majority of us. We're a bit in the gray zone. Take me for example, Im semi-religious, celebrate christmas etc... But probably wouldn't be able to stand life with a hyper Christian person either, nor would I want my children raised in a faith of my choosing. All that comes down to how you view life and parenting, not necessarily your personal religion or beliefs. Just stay clear of the dedicated people. Those "dedicated" ones are a pain in the butt no matter their dedication anyway. Im just saying, not trying to persuade you.
So you'd feel cheated on. Thats fair enough. But why?
"I guess that not even you think it is acceptable for a person to cheat (even though it is his/her life and his/her decision how to lead his/her life). Again: this is not a fair comparison, but the main difference between me (my feelings) and other person (other person feelings) is were we draw the line for what is acceptable and not."
Actually what other people do I couldn't care less. If my friends cheated on their guy I'd still have them as my friends, and I'd not judge them. However I'd judge myself if I cheated. But what they do is up to them. 'Course now if people tell me here on dearcupid that cheating is ok I'd argue that, as it hurts the other person far more than the little pleasure you get from cheating. Anyway, it's always easier to lay down what "should" be, when what "is" is different (forskjellen mellom ER og BØR, dersom du har lest litt om filosofi og etikk).
To want a second self... would generally come from the feeling of not being complete. And as the saying goes, you can never love someone unless you love yourself. This also means that you must be able to find happiness within yourself before you can find happiness within others. It is natural and normal to need another person in your life, for comfort, care, love, companionship, someone to talk to, someone to hold around and share life with, even if it's just for a while. But if you turn to them to make you happy when you do not have happiness within yourself will surely drain them and suffocate the relationship. In a good relationship each part brings something into it. If they enter a relationship in order to "take" then there will soon be no love left.
Your standards are ok, and certainly not unheard of, and I reckon not impossible either. But if you've never been in a relationship before any relationship will be more likely to fail due to not understanding the basic philosophy of relationships. So it's great if you could keep an open mind if you do meet a person who has the qualifications you need, so that you will not let them slip away from you due to some stupid fight. Which is why I brought up that you need to give into a relationship, not take from it. That is one common mistake. And certainly if you seek someone to complete you you will be miserable even if you find someone who is both virgin and atheist. Because that person might be lacking in other qualities and not be a good match for you at all. So.. try to keep an open and accepting mind, and work on yourself always, while in a relationship or not, you mustn't rest on any relationship to "fix" everything.
Lykke til!
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reader, als77 +, writes (10 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl:
As a general rule two persons does not have to be "identical" to be a good match, however everyone have certain criteria that are (more or less) mandatory. The most typical being gender, age, race, religion etc. For a devoted christian a relationship with an equal devoted muslim is bound to have major problems, especially if they have kids because they are to different and have very different ideas/wishes. "Luggage" also plays a part in this: If a person has had an abusive drunk father, then that person will more likely have problems being in a relationship with a drunkard then other people.
For ME, with MY luggage, it will be very painful to share my life with a person that is not a virgin. I have tried to explain a bit in this post, but it is very complicated and (fortunately for most of you) rather difficult to understand. I know that the following comparison is not fair, but when I think of sharing my life with a non-virgin I feel a bit "cheated" (and yes, I do feel that there is a HUGE difference between having had sex with a former BF, and cheating during a relationship!). I know most of you feel that this is a very unfair comparison and even irrational and maybe it is, but this is the best "comparison" I can give to what I feel (and thereby an answer to why virginity is so important to me).
Regarding religion I have the following short version for you: I used to be a devoted christian, but the process that broke my faith was very painful and (more important) destructional. I have come to see how much pain and misery I have inflicted upon myself through my former faith, and there is NO chance whatsoever that I will accept my children to be put through the same horrible lie. How should a christian/muslim person be able to accept this, even if not devoted (at the time being)?
Actually, I generally don't tell other people how to live. Several of my non-christian friends (from when I were a devoted christian) actually told me things like "if only all christians were like you" (I guess I were the first conservative and devoted christian that did not tell them how to live). I try to respect and accept their way of living, even though it is very painful to me, but unfortunately I am not able to do this when it comes to a partner :(
I never cease to be puzzled when people say things like "it is my life, so I should do like I want and noone has the right to judge me". I do agree to a certain extent, and we should try to accept and respect other people as far as we can, but I guess that not even you think it is acceptable for a person to cheat (even though it is his/her life and his/her decision how to lead his/her life). Again: this is not a fair comparison, but the main difference between me (my feelings) and other person (other person feelings) is were we draw the line for what is acceptable and not.
I see your point of the difference between someone to be with and a "second self". I guess the core of my problem is that I, with my luggage and my feelings, am seeking my "second half" and not a person whom I may love (and this desire is fuelled by my not having any of my friends or family to "complete me").
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reader, chigirl +, writes (9 January 2011):
I read your update and question... and not sure if someone else already asked you this, but my question to you goes like this: you are an atheist and a virgin, and you believe in having sex with only one person in a lifetime. However... why do you need a possible partner to be the exact same? You being an atheist means you can only be with another atheist? Why? And you believing in certain things, why does that have to mean a potential partner have to believe in the exact same things?
I think it's both logical and common to want to have sex with only one person ever. Plenty want that. And there are plenty of virgins out there too if that's your only criteria. But you also want them to be atheist? Why's that? Religion has never been a big topic of discussion between me and any of the guys I have ever dated, and to a varying degree they have been more religious, or I have been more religious. The worst that happened in that respect was one man I used to date who didn't want to celebrate Christmas with me and my family. But that's really all there was to it. Other than that our different religious views played no factor in the relationship.
For some religions it is necessary to marry someone within the same religion. But there are several non religious, or semi-religious people out there who do not see a difference in beliefs as an obstacle. You being an atheist, should a person believing in something else really be an obstacle for you?
Another important thing to remember... although I see that it seems impossible for some to follow this logic, is that even though YOU believe in leading life a certain way that does NOT give you the right to demand that others lead the same life. Not even a partner. We are all individuals, and thats why. We will never be the same, we will always be different, and as much as you wish you could be with someone who is EXACTLY the same as you, that is impossible. So why even try? Why not instead accept that the only person you can ever control is yourself, and accept that others need to make the decisions in life they feel are right for them. Their decision on how to lead their lives do not have to mean you need to follow them, or that your life will be "stained" by their way of living.
That means that you chose a person to be with, a partner, you do not choose a "second self" or someone who "completes you". Do you understand the difference? If you seek someone to "complete" you, then you'd naturally seek someone who is identical to you, a good match, think alike, want the same things etc. But if you choose to be with another person, then you accept that they are their own person, and will never become a part of you. Hence their past experience is part of them alone, and will never have an implication on you. Thus we eliminate the problem you are now struggling with.
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reader, als77 +, writes (9 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares:Ok, I will try stop quoting Marylin French... hehe (no problem, I also have problems keeping my tongue in check)Yes, I have a very black and white vision regarding sex. And there are an ocean between the extremes, and I have been through them all... I have been through both the "as long as she truly loved her BF, and not having random sex" and the "as long as she came to senses and now wants to wait" (and many more). I have also been through the possiblity of being pressured into having sex if it meant at lot to (a possible) GF. I know this, and I don't take the credit of being a virgin today, but this does not change my feelings towards sex... (believe me, I would love to not have these feelings, because they are very painful)Actually, I don't care of other peoples judgement :) But it did amaze me that it seemed so impossible for my friends to believe that one might be an atheist and still want to have sex with only one person, therefor the questiont.But since we are of the topic :) I know my selection is limited and that I belong to a (very small) minority, but some values are to strong to disregard: Most women regards the "I want to have children" to strong to "settle" with a parnter that does not share it, and me (unfortunately) have to strong feelings regarding sex to "settle" with a non-virgin. Yes, we all have to find someone sharing our values, but some people make it a lot more harder for themselves than it should be... You try finding an atheistic female virgin in our modern society! hehe (jokes aside, I have actually played with the idea of seeing a psychologist to try to "break" my feelings/view of sex, because I don't think I am able to accept a partners sexual experience. However, then I will have to confront these feelings and my identity, and I don't have the strength to do so at this point in my life)
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 If I were a single girl, I would not have much of a problem with a 33 y.o. virgin... I'd have more of a problem with a guy who quotes Marylin French...
Lol. Just kidding. Forgive me, OP, bear with me. It's my viper streak, some times I just can't keep my tongue in check. :)
It does sound you have a rather black or white vision of life. Most things in life, including feelings and beliefs, are on a spectrum with a lot of intermediate positions between the two extremes. Between seeing sex as holy and sacred, and seeing it as a silly inconsequential pastime, there is an
ocean of other possibilities...
Anyway , I won't try to convince you, it would be even disrespectful, you are an adult, presumably intelligent and educated, you have made your choice - good enough for me.
I can't see though that you have too much of a problem, other than other people's judgement.
You are in the same position as anybody who belongs to a minority group because of a specific interest.
Same if you were a vegan who'll only marry another vegan, or an European buddhist who 'll only marry another buddhist.
Your selection may be more limited and it may harder to find the right mate for you, - but harder it's not the same as impossible.
I am sure that there are
women putting a high value on virginity, and willing to save themselves for marriage. Like you say, unusual but not unimaginable.
You just need to find someone who shares your values - but , after all, isn'it the same for everybody,including us sex fiends ? :)
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reader, als77 +, writes (9 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine:I see I have been a little unclear about the identity part. My identity does not lie in being a virgin as such, but in having sex only with one person (i.e. wait until the marriage). So having sex, in marriage, does not change my identity (but trying to have sex before marriage will).I don't agree with you that my idea of sex only are thoughts. Maybe it was so for you, and maybe it started out this way for me, but it has (at least) been mixed up with feelings: Not only the pain of being different (I have never WANTED to be different!), but also some sort of "betrayal" (both from society reducing sex to almost to a comodity, but also the thought that "the one" may not have waited until marriage). These feelings may not be fair towards other people, but feelings are not rational (although I do believe that the views towards sex and self-realization of our society is one of the major reasons to why the divorce rate is so high). I still believe (both rationally and emotionally) that the ideal is to wait until marriage and not "sleep around", but I wish that I never had felt this way (because it is very painful to feel this way when society is so different).I don't think that a person's ideas of sex define a person in every way (although I would like to believe that the probablity for cheating is lower when a person regards sex as something "holy" than when a person regards sex as "only sex"), so a virgin is not better than a non-virgin by default (I have several friends that are wonderful persons, without sharing my views of sex) and I don't even take the credit for me being a virgin.Not silly enough to turn down the perfect woman? If my views towards sex "only" were rational then your argument might be right, but feelings are not always rational... It would be possible for me to love a non-virgin, but I don't think I am able to overcome my luggage/feelings... I get that this is hard to understand, but (I think it was Marilyn French who said the following): "The worst kind of loneliness is not being alone, but feeling alone amongst others". I have felt this kind of loneliness almost all my life, and the perfect (non-virgin) woman will most likely contribute to this loneliness.This is way of the topic though :) But I guess your reply "the reason you're not having sex, is you haven't met the right person and you haven't fallen in love yet" answers my initially question. I strongly disagree with you saying that I have never fallen in love, and I think it is very sad that you (apparently) think that it is impossible to love another person, without having sex (I guess this also means that all marriages, where people have waited with sex until the marriage, are loveless). I have actually thought about the "other country" approach, but it seems to me that my generation (in general) have a "modern" view of sex even in countries that are said to be conservative. I guess I am born two or three generations late...
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Thanks for ignoring my mistake about your gender.. lol, my post must have been unreadable.
Declared atheist here... and yes I can understand your views on having sex with the "one" right person. I was the same. For me, sex (only in my case) was for a special person who would be with me for life... I never believed everyone else should share my views, as I'm well aware people have sex for many different reasons.
As I said, life has a way of changing you. When that "one" special person leaves you, things look different and opportunities open up.
What I don't understand is the fixation on virginity. Is a virgin woman a better person? Is she kinder or nicer? Would you consider a woman who had been raped, or is she not good enough? Is a ugly, extremely fat, or totally crazy woman suitable. Unfortunately women like this are more likely to be virgins at a late age. Would you date a child, maybe someone just legal... Your choices about suitable women are few, but you may have to consider what I said if the issue of virginity is immovable. You are right, from what I understand of Norway, the ideas about sex and women are very, very liberal.
Being a virgin and having sex with a virgin as part of your identity...mmmm... and what happens when you have sex, do you suddenly loose your identity?
Yes, I think this is a form of perfectionism. It's not a feeling, "I must be a virgin and only sleep with virgins" is not a feeling. Feelings are things like happiness, anger and joy. No this is a thought, as carefully chosen as the decision to be a Christian and then to become an atheist. It's your own type of moral, built, rationalised, argued out, to make sure that you create yourself a personality different from everyone else.
Anyway, doesn't matter much.. virgin or non-virgin, the reason your not having sex, is you haven't met the right person and you haven't fallen in love yet. I'm assuming your not silly enough to meet the perfect woman and turn her down to sit alone and wonder if your values are more important than love.
Stay single until you meet somebody who you can't bear to walk away.
PS: You could also move country again. Other countries have much more conservative views about sex and you have more choice in virgin women.
I do wish you luck.
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reader, als77 +, writes (7 January 2011):
als77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
Illithid
I have no plans on changing. My feelings towards what sex is/should be is so strong that it would be VERY painful to even try to break my beliefs... The only reason to why I would want to change my views, is that the thought of sharing my life with a non-virgin (unfortunately!) also is very painful (and what are the odds of finding such a person?)
CindyCares
Being a former devoted christian I am used to drawing curiosity and perplexity... (I guess Norway is rather different than most countries when it comes to religion) I just think it is very strange that it is so immaginable for people to belive that someone can have such feelings/ideas towards sex unless there is a god that demands you to think this way.
Miamine
Yes, very black and white thinking, but the problem with feelings is that they rarely are rational... Although I can defend my ideas rationally (at least much of the ideas), they are mainly based on feelings. How does one reason with feelings? What person I am looking for? Actually, the answer to that question reveals part of why my feelings towards sex are like they are (see later in this reply).
Mishmash
No, I don't think my view of sex has anything to do with my montheistic beliefs (with one smaller exception, see later in this reply). I don't expect a perfect partner, because a perfect partner does not exist. However, some people are more compatible then others, and some things are deal-breakers (for some it is age, for others it is religion. Then there is race, education, personality etc). The problem is not to find a perfect partner, but to find a partner that is right/compatible (which does not necessary be limited by the other person, but by oneself as well). How I will know if I have found the one? You never know 100%, but a good indication is when you can't imagine your life without her/him (at least if you still feel this way after the initial crush fades).
I guess a short (?) story about the history of my views are in order: I developped my ideas towards sex rather late, probably not until I closed up on 18 (having no GF is a large contributor to this I assume). At a certain point (when I started to see how people, including my friends, treated eachother and sex?) I started to drift away from the common views of sex (still "helped" by having no GF). The typical Hollywood-approach pushes me further away, because something inside me say that this is not right (that is, it is wrong to treat sex as "just sex"). To sum up: My views has nothing to do with my former faith, but know that I am an atheist my friends expect me to change my views and I find this strange... (to be clear: noen of my friends have incouraged me to change, but they are puzzled that I have not changed).
There is however one more thing that makes me unable/unwilling to change my views (and why it makes it difficult to accept a non-virgin), and that is me having been different all my life. Devoted christians are not "accepted" in Norway (even if you don't preach and correct other people), so I have always been an outsider (and I grew up in a part of Norway were few people dare be clear about being christians). I have moved a lot during my life, including living in to forreign countries, so this has contributed even more to being different. At some point this has become a identity-crises (plurial form...), and few years before I lost my faith I finally came "home" (that is, I finally found a group of people I could identify myself with. People that accepted my for whom I were), but that was more than 20 years late... The feeling of "lack" of identity (or rather someone similar to me) has only grown after losing my faith (know I have lost the common identity I had before loosing my faith). Virginity (the feelings of sex that is) is a part of my identity, so when I have lost my faith (which was a large part of my identity) it would be even harder to change my views (but this is only in addition to my initial feelings towards sex in the first place).
I guess the reason to why I am so puzzled that people think it is imaginable to be a virgin without being christian/muslim/jew, is that I think that most people think that sex is not "just sex". There are few people that can cope with their partner being unfaithful, and at some level I think the reason to this is rooted in the same feelings I have towards sex (please don't get provoced, because I do think that there is a HUGE difference between cheating on your partner and having sex with several partners and being faithful).
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Interesting.If you hadn't mentioned your falling out with Christianity, I would assume the reason you are still a virgin is some sort of perfectionist tendency...and you feel strongly that you want to share you body with the right person or you are afraid of sharing it with the wrong person. But you don't want to share it with the "right" person, you want to share it with "one" person. But when you bring Christianity into it, I can only think that it is related to you situation in some subconscious way. I describe myself as an optimistic agnostic, but I feel at times jealous of deeply religious people because they believe so firmly in something that appears to me so hypothetical. Perhaps because you have spent so much of your life acknowledging the "unknowable", you neccessitate the existence of something "unknowable" even after you lose your formal belief in Christianity. If God can be described as a kind of unknowable perfection, then perhaps after you lost your belief, the last unknowable thing you had left was sex. Do you think that perhaps your monotheistic beliefs shifted onto another area in your life, perhaps your sex life? I don't mean to psychoanalyze you, but it is an interesting question and problem. I personally don't believe perfection exists, godly, systematic, or otherwise. There are mistakes everwhere you look in nature and in life. And I have no expectation that I will find the perfect sex partner, boyfriend, or husband. As the Voltaire (also an atheist) said, "The perfect is the enemy of the good." I am curious though; How will you know you have found the one? If you don't believe in God and a connection with him, how will you be aware when or if you find her?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
Wow!!! Great question.
Sex with only one other person.... mmmmmm.... but that's what most people want, Christian, atheist or Jew. Many people want to fall in love with one special person and stay with that person forever.
Problem is, people are complicated. You fall in love, you marry, you have sex, your happy for five years, ten years, 30years.... then you change, or the other person changes. You start having different interests, you start to argue, you hurt one another, you drift apart....
Your single again... then you meet another person, your other half, the person who knows how you think, who can read your mind, who laughs at the same stupid jokes..
mmmm... So, you turn him down because you've already had sex with one person and that's your lot in life.
Black and white thinking, all or nothing, perfection or spinsterhood... mmmmm
It's important that you have sex when you feel you are loved and you are in love. That's the best type of sex in the world.
If your choice is to remain alone until you can guarantee that the man you choose will be perfect, then you should be aware that this might not happen, and you may die a virgin and never experience the close contact and uplifting experience that sex with another person holds.
Also, please be aware that as a woman, your biological clock is ticking, fertility declines rapidly after the age of 35. Sex is also about children if you want to have them.
What do you want in a lifelong partner, what type of person are you looking for?
Virginity is not frowned on, your life, your choice, you do what you want. However, your friends probably feel sorry for you because they have experienced sex and know what you are missing. It's a very powerful activity in many, many ways.
Again, great question, your life, your choices, it doesn't matter what us, your friends or anyone else thinks.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 January 2011):
Well, it's not unimaginable, and anyway this is your choice and like any heartfelt choice has to be respected.
You will be aware , though, that it is a very unusual choice, and, like anything unusual, is bound to draw curiosity ,even perplexity.
Don't take that personally and don't be irritated by that - same as you are not obliged to do what other people do and are free to march to the beat of a different drum, so other people are not obliged to understand or support your choice.
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reader, Illithid  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Don't change. There are so many women that have issues with retrograde jealousy, or don't like their men having extensive experience, or just want to be the one and only in a man's life and in his heart! You might have a bit of looking to do to find your perfect match, but if you break your beliefs out of peer pressure, you can't undo it.
One virgin to another, stay strong in what you believe.
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