A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, my bf is pressurising me to move in with him, and is starting to say things that are really immature and I don't know how to gently keep on explaining why I'm not ready to move in without getting a little frustrated! We've been together 20 months, live 15 mins from each other, so see each other 2-3 nights per week (we both work full-time, in jobs with shifts that mean we work days/nights/weekends at times). Everything is going great:) But, from about 6 months in, he started asking when I was going to move in with him. He brings it up frequently, and I've explained lots of times that I love him, I see us having a future together, but I see no reason to change things and to rush into living together because our relationship is great as it is. We get to enjoy spending time with each other, and it really does feel like a treat-I treasure any time I'm with him:) If we move in together, I think we'll pretty quickly settled into a routine, that things will no longer seem so special and exciting, that he'll start taking me for granted, and I see no reason to jump to that stage now. At first, he kinda accepted my reasoning, but now he's getting what I see as a little immature about it. Last night he said: "My friends are saying you would've moved in with me by now if you really love me." I was very annoyed-I show this guy how much I love him in so many ways, and tell him often. He tells me often that he is very happy and feels very loved. So saying that is really low, I think. It felt like when you're a teenager and the guy says "If you loved me, you'd sleep with me." I kinda explained that to him, said I felt that was an unfair thing to say. He said he loves me lots and wants to see me more. He then started comparing us to his colleagues - one of them had his gf move in after 3 months, another after 6 months, etc. Which again, seems really immature to me-we're us, not them!! And, the one who moved in after 6 months is currently cheating on his gf, so hardly a role model for relationships. I've told him I think I'd be ready to look for a place to live together towards the end of this year, as a compromise, my heart is not totally in it if I'm honest with you readers. He seems a little happier about this, but is still putting the pressure on. I feel that this is partly for financial reasons...I know he struggles to pay his rent and bills each month, and he has previously said "we" would save money by living together which we could then save up to go on holiday or whatever, but actually, he is the only one who'd save money, as my rent/bills are cheaper anyway and I earn more than him and have savings ready and waiting for a holiday already. Basically, I love this man, but I need advice on how to gently get him to back off about this issue please! I have already said yes to starting to look for houses at the end of this year and have signed up to estate agent websites to show him I'm serious, he knows I'm serious and committed to our relationship otherwise, and I'm at a loss as to what else to do to keep him happy and myself happy too.Thanks :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): "Basically, I love this man, but I need advice on how to gently get him to back off about this issue please!"You can't, gently or otherwise. Bf pushing for moving in strictly for his own financial gain, even what's good for him is not necessarily good for you. "I'm at a loss as to what else to do to keep him happy and myself happy too."Nothing you can do, you can only keep him happy by doing what makes him happy even though you'll be unhappy in the bargain. He doesn't care, he's exerting control over you and the pattern will escalate, he keeps pushing you into agreeing to deadlines and timetables, then pushes some more. It won't change, will only get worse, you need to educate on the tactics he's using to manipulate and bully you into doing what he wants. Sorry, I don't see anything good coming of this long-term.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Look: the heck with trying to "gently" tell him why you don't want to move in with him!!
You have explained your reasons to him, and that should be enough. If your choice is "no" - and it obviously is - there is no more to be said. You don't owe him any more explanations! If you don't choose to move in with him, then DON'T. He is being manipulative.
Last but not least you are under no obligation to help him pay his rent. He is your boyfriend, not your husband. If he is struggling financially, then it's his responsibility to cut back on what he spends on going out so as to have more money to pay bills and rent, or move to a place where the rent is less - even if that means an efficiency, instead of a one-bedroom!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): "Gently" is what has gotten you to this stage OP. You sound so wishy washy and so eager to please him and not to upset him you quite simply haven't made it clear to him what your position is on this. Now you can keep letting this build and fester but you know what happens when you apply enough pressure to something? It either cracks or it explodes.
Do you really think your relationship would survive you moving in with him on the basis of you caving in to his childish and weird demands to have a new mother to take care of him so he can become a man taken care of by his lady? he may not exactly be that type OP but I can see no other reason than 'easy-street' as a reason he'd be so selfish about this.
Moving in is a huge step that both parties have to agree to yet he really doesn't care how you feel about the subject, most likely because you're too "gentle" about it.
It's simple OP, stop being gentle and be firm for a change, the next time he mentions it tell him the more he brings this up, the more pressure he puts on you about the less you believe it's a good idea. If you cave in to this demand and move in then you'll basically teach him the lesson that if he puts enough pressure on you over the long term, you'll do what he wants, regardless of how you feel and what you say, according to some warped and weird ideas he gets about how relationships should be from his friends. OP if you don't stand your ground on this issue and nip it in the bud it will mark the pattern of your relationship for the future. You can look forward to pressure about marriage being the next step once you move in, you can look forward to him pressuring you about having kids, pressuring you for sex on nights when you're not in the mood and getting cranky with you and stuff. This guy obviously has a plan in mind OP and he doesn't care if you share the same timeline he wants what he wants and he thinks he's going to get it too.
You know what the worst thing is, he will get his way on this and all those other things because he's ground you down to the point where you've agreed to move in by the end of the year, you're definitely going to move in with him by the end of the year because you won't have the heart to tell him you don't want to, plus you said you would and you're just going to keep on going in this relationship in that way, slowly but surely agreeing to things you don't want and then being afraid to back out.
I'm sorry to say it OP but you sound like a yes woman to me.
You see this is something you're really not comfortable with but here you are now, without a doubt in my mind moving in at the end of the year because you're so afraid of conflict that you won't be firm with him.
I'm like anyone OP and do put pressure on my girlfriend for things sometimes the difference between her and you though is she has established early on a boundary that I know not to cross. She will brush me off or pander to my pressure only if she's actually planning on letting me get what I want eventually, if she's against something and isn't going to do it she knows how to be firm with me and after 7 years now I can tell by the tone in her voice and only need one "no" to drop something and let it go.
Oh and I would be in some amount of shit if I ever stooped so low as to pull an "if you loved me out" out of my ass. What kind of spoiled brat questions a persons love in that way? She'd kill me and rightly so. I mean okay, I sometimes say that as a joke in bed when I ask her to go make me breakfast knowing full well that's not going to happen. It's funny to us because it is quite possibly the lowest a person can get in a relationship, emotional blackmail sucks balls and we laugh at people who tolerate it, we also find it quite hilarious that anyone would tolerate letting a person use yee olde "well they're doing it" relationship comparison and for feck sake he even said his friends agreed with him on the if you loved him crap.
OP I just had my girlfriend read your post and she said something I agree on, you have to to a certain degree consider us guys like dogs. We can be the cutest things ever and shower you with so much warmth and affection that you can lose yourself in us but if you don't know when to be firm with us we'll shit anywhere we want and piss all over your house to mark our territory. Like having a dog OP a good relationship requires boundaries and you have to be firm in setting those relationships where one partner neglects that side of things become unhappy ones. You can say no to a dog about something but if you don't say it in the right way it's not going to listen, you can't gently tell a dog to let go of your shoe, you have to be firm with it and make it understand that's a line that will not be crossed.
"Basically, I love this man, but I need advice on how to gently get him to back off about this issue please!"
I love my dogs just as much if not more and my girlfriend is the same about me, but part of being in love and protecting that love is knowing how to set boundaries and you're not doing that. I'd get very annoyed if I had to clean up poop or pee stains in the house, my girlfriend would get very annoyed if I pressured her into something she really didn't want to do and she let me get away with that, so neither of us let that happen.
OP how can he take you seriously if you don't know how to stand your ground? You'll just have a petty little kid living with you who throws his toys out of the pram when he doesn't get what he wants you have to ensure he knows that you won't stand for that.
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Stick to your guns. If he is serious about this relationship tell him to marry you. 20 months is almost as 2 years. You are correct cause once you stay with you will be a full time wife with no ring. You go girl!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 July 2012):
 "My friends are saying you would've moved in with me by now if you really love me."
Say to him "tell your friends if you really loved me you would respect my decision and reasons for not moving in with you"
I agree, it is a variation on the old 'if you really loved me' line.
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