A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I could sure use some advice about my situation.I have recently separated from my husband. I have a very good friend who cares about me. He's single. He would be interested in starting a relationship with me. But he tells me he cannot do it right now because I have only recently separated and am technically still married. He wants to wait until I am divorced and truly available. He is also afraid I am not yet ready for another relationship and he does not want to get hurt. He wants to give me time. So he is backing off and remaining friends with me for now.In the meantime, he is free to date others. But I don't like that idea. I have to be honest. It would really upset me if he did this. Am I being unreasonable thinking this way? I thought that if a man really cared about you, he would wait and not date anyone else? Is my head in the sand on this one???Is it possible for a man to really care about one woman but since she's not on the market yet he is able to date others? Do men and women differ this way? I'm not sure I could date other people if I really cared about one person. Or are men able to have casual relationships while waiting for the chosen one?I want to ask him not to date anyone else. Am I being selfish? Should I not expect this from him since he has admitted to caring for me and wanting to wait? Where do other people fit into this equation? He has not said he would date but what if he did or an opportunity came up?Should we just keep being friends and let things happen as they will?Thank you for your help!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (4 April 2012):
I think it's fine to ask someone to wait for you, but you should give them as many specifics as you can so they can make their decision and have something to work with, and not ask them to be waiting indefinitely.
He also has the right to say no he doesn't want to wait. But that doesn't mean you can't ask him anyway. share with him how you feel - that you want him to be your future partner and that's why you dont' want to risk losing that if he's still dating and potentially finding someone else.
perhaps he's afraid that you will string him along indefinitely, or that you will have second thoughts about getting divorced, and that's why he's trying to keep his options open. This is perfectly reasonable. After all, you are only recently separated and are not yet divorced, there is still the possibility that you and your husband may reconcile and call off the divorce. I think your friend is right to want to see proof that you are officially single and not tied to anyone else, before getting seriously involved with you. And in a way, if he is already forsaking other women and potential partners, that is already being "serious" about you.
I think you two need to talk more about what each other is assuming but not saying. Maybe try to come to some compromise like how long he is to wait before he has the "right" to date other women, which then also ensures that if you are serious you will get your marriage ended and not stay in limbo.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2012):
 I can understand that you don't want him dating others while you get yourself together and the divorce over with, but honestly, it's not fair of you.
Who is to say when all is said and done that you really WANT to date this guy? That he isn't a rebound for you?
I would say, that if he truly cared, he wouldn't run out and date others, but some guys certainly don't think like us females.
So I think you need to sit him down and be honest. Be who you are. Either you BOTH take some time and do NOT talk relationships or you figure out how to make it work.
I sense that if he starts to date "while waiting on you" that you might resent him and that is no way to start a new chapter.
Also, if you two DO start dating and it doesn't work, you will lose a friend. So consider all that and talk to him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Not wanting him to date is reasonable. Expecting him not to so he can wait for you is not.
Neither of you knows for certain how long this process will take, how messy it might be or how much time on your own you'll need afterward. And if he did wait you'd feel pressure (if not now then eventually) to rush things and you wouldn't really get that time alone to regroup. And there is no guarantee that at the end of it you'll still want him.
This is not a gender thing. I advise women never to wait on a man so I can't very well say this man should wait on you.
You do what you need to do. Remain friends (if you're able) and if you still want one another when the dust has settled then you'll both be free to prusue it.
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A
female
reader, jhamilton +, writes (3 April 2012):
Are you ready for another relationship? If not,why expect him to wait around for you? Yeah. I understand you like him. But he's a guy.
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A
female
reader, jhamilton +, writes (3 April 2012):
Are you ready for another relationship? If not,why expect him to wait around for you? Yeah. I understand you like him. But he's a guy.
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