A
male
age
36-40,
*angerdude1984
writes:I know this is horrible of me but I am not physically attracted to my wife anymore. since we started dating and now since we are married she has put on a lot of weight while I have now for the past four months have started a workout and diet plan that has gotten me in the best shape of my life and I can not get my wife to change her diet or even workout what can I do about it? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Achilles2011  +, writes (11 March 2011):
I agree that ultimately love sees pass the level of the flesh. However, we also have to be practical. Let's accept the fact that physical attraction is still important especially to most of the male species. "The physical matter still matters". (It's like the turning of the tide, or the full moon phenomenon...just let it be).
Hence, if the guy has to make an effort to overcome his yearning for physical attraction, so to should the woman likewise make an effort to stay physically fit as much as possible. Meet halfway, so to speak. Yeah, we understand you've given birth to two or three babies blah blah blah, so it's a natural bloat. But maybe you can try running a kilometer or two in a day, or lift a 5 lb dumbell, do 10 situps, aerobics, etc....In other words, spend an hour or two sweating the extra weight out. The effort itself can yield some positive results.
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male
reader, cj116 +, writes (3 August 2010):
I'm in the same situation. I have been married 30 years and have basically had no sex life for 29 of those years. I have slept on the couch for 20 of those years. We have sex an average of 3 to 4 times a year. How have we stayed together ? Although my wife has gained a lot of weight mainly because we had 3 children - she is intelligent - a great mother - the most honest person I know - a great cook - a loyal friend - and I could go on and on. I guess we all have to make choices. How important are physical attractiveness and sex really compared to everyting else?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): You do not love your wife, pure and simple. Physical attraction may get you in the relationship but it is not what lasts. I met the man of my dreams when I was younger, when I first saw him I thought he was ugly as hell. But, when I got to know him, I fell in love and his looks no longer mattered, when you truly love someone, you love them no matter what. What if she had been in a car accident, and was horribly disfigured. Something she didn't have control over. Well weight is the same way some people are disiplined enough to get it off, and others remain fat their whole lives, when you love, truly love, nothing else matters, she deserves someone who will love her for her. i know lots of good men who are married to overweight women and worship the ground they walk on. I am sure there are some lonely men who would love to fill your shoes.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): I too am at the point where I am unattracted to my wife. She eats like a crazed woman. She goes on these diets and joins a boot camp for 2 to 3 weeks and then back to eating pasta and bread at midnight before bed. I have tried expressing to her that what she is doing is counterproductive and she tells me I am being a dictactor. I intoduce fruit and I am the only one who eats it. 4 meals a day is normal to her.
The only answer is to give her a choice. Overeating or you.
This is where I am.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): That's a tough one. I read some of the responses so far and liked most of them except for the first. You are not getting a fat-head buddie. This person is probably fat herself and forgets or ignores that physical attraction is in everyone. No one looks at a heavy person and says "oh yeah! I must have that!!!". It sounds like you really love your wife. This is for all men and woman that are reading this. Please don't poorly judge a person who cares very much about the physical appearance of his/her partner. I too work out to stay healthy and to maintain the attractiveness that my wife saw in me in the first place. When my wife had our first child, she lost her figure and in months I found myself looking at other woman. I hated that about me to be honest. I was straight forward with my wife about it and even though the conversation hurt her, and me, she started eating better and working out. Even though my wife doesn't have the body she once had before she had our first child, she has an amzaing body for a woman who now has three children. Our conversation not only helped her by getting her to work out, stay healthy, and look sexy, it has immensely helped our sex-life. I want her and no other. It is extremely important to have a little vanity in our lives. Now, I'm not saying this will work for you, but it did for me. I started by telling my wife that I was the one with the problem and that I hated myself for it, which I did. I told her that I wanted my life and my sexual urges to be 100% about her and no one else. She understood and did what she needed to keep us happy.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Try and change little things that she eats, have her stop eatting it. Pop can be really fatning for a person. I heard spiesy foods in the evening can help some people loose weight, with some exercise. Have her start something small like a walk around the naborhood.generally people that are over wieght don't like to go to a public place for people to see them exercise, its uncomfortable expecailly for woman. Try baby steps first, get lesser fat foods, but still taste grate. Soups are good for lunch and a few of them are low fatning and they taste good. Try and have her only eat meat in the before four pm. Its harder on the body in the evening time. Your less active then, and go to sleep. Compromise on some foods for her to eat at first, tell her she can keep some unhealthy foods.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): you are now feeling re- energised, and perhaps sexy and now have started feeling ashamed of her, RIGHT? why, because she doesn't have those curves, the beautiful long legs, etc.
what about her personality - her character, her morality, are you also ashamed of that as well?
do not only look at the superficial beauty.
becareful you do not pile on the pounds again, then you will be the slobbering fat someone you once were.
your new found confidence has given you a new found fat head. very very ugly, indeed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): You should tell her how you are feeling. Who knows mate maybe when she realises that looks are all that attract you to a person she may not be so attracted to you either.
I myself work out 6 days a week but my partner has no interest. He is not fat but probably 10kg overweight. Regardless he is the most loving person iv ever met and i wont give him up for the mere fact he does not feel a burning desire to get up at 6am like I do every morning. You do not love your wife in my opinion, just yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): honestly, you need to respect your wedding vows man...for better or worse...your wife may not be in the best shape right now for numerous reasons eg: stress, and you need to respect her and her decision. Physical attraction is only one reason why two people come together and make a life commitment. You need to look beyond her weight, and remember the qualities about her you fell in love with in the first place.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Ck1  +, writes (1 May 2009):
stop being a nob and respect and love her for whatever size!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): A good way to start straightening the weight issue is to make a suggestion to your wife as ArmyMedic has indicated. But until then... What I have noticed about people that are "in great shape" is that many of them are very disciplined when it comes to sports and don't always understand how other people lack that perseverance, sometimes even look down on them. Maybe what you mostly dislike is your wife's lack of interest in these matters, and not so much the changes in her physical fitness. You will have to persuade her to make the right choice for her health, at least. The fact you feel little attracted to her may have other causes apart from the most obvious one. Maybe you communicate poorly and maybe you have lost that mental connection with her, the attraction of the minds, maybe you need to learn to fall in love with her again, and to see in her the person you married, beyond those extra pounds and added stretch marks. This will take willingness on both sides. The problem won't be solved only by you being more indulgent and her not moving a finger. You can tell her that you want her to dress nicely for you from time to time, explain that you don't want to let familiarity interfer with what you have, etc. In this way you let her know of your expectations and send the message that it counts if she trims herself up for you every now and again but be careful how the message gets across to her so you don't hurt her feelings. A sexless marriage doesn't sound well at all and the situation has to be well treaded if you care about your spouse and wish to avoid a betrayal that sooner or later might tempt you. Sit her down and tell her that you fear that not paying attention to each other can drift you apart and you would hate this to happen, talk of all that was left unsaid if it can bring you closer again and have a positive outcome. Do you really wish to work on your issues? Can you identify when your attraction has started to fade? Can you see other problems in your marriage that may be a hidden cause of the one you presented? Counselling is also a great idea. Sometimes the lack of attraction is sure to lead to a break up. It would be wiser however to take your time in trying to solve this problem and not make any hasty calls that you can later regret. You might just discover that you are attracted to her in other ways that somehow influence how you see her as a woman. If what you feel is irremediable you will soon know, so there's no point in neglecting your feelings either. I wish you the best.
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female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (1 May 2009):
 Tell her how you are feeling.....if my boyfriend wasn't attracted to me i would want to know so i could fix things....maybe she is depressed thats why she is putting the weight on? She should want to be at her best for her man and same goes for you....have a talk with her treat careful as us women and weight is always a touchy subject, but if you don't tel her then it will get worse and your prob start looking else were! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): That's tough.We can't really control what we are attracted to. And you shouldn't stay in a relationship if there is little to no attraction at your age. Later on in your old age, or if there are kids involved, then yes, perhaps..but you are 20-something!Drop a few more hints..try to get her to help herself (cuz it really WOULD help her with health, confidence, you name it).. But eventually I'd part ways if I were you.Which I'm not. lol
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (1 May 2009):
 This is a difficult situation, you have obviously tried subtly, and are putting the effort in yourself. Maybe it is time to be less subtle and tell her you are starting to worry about her health (Diabetes, heart disease, etc)
But be careful it is easy for people to find fault and you don't want to push her too far the other way and end up with a wife with an eating disorder.
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male
reader, MyWife,MyLife  +, writes (1 May 2009):
Communication can work wonders in this problem my friend. My 2nd wife did the exact thing and after having discussed it with her honestly, she was able to get back to within 12 lbs of her marriage weight. We divorced anyway, but that's a whole different story.You on the other hand seem to have discussed this with your wife to no avail. "I can not get my wife to change her diet or even workout" If you can't live with the change then you have to do what you have to do. Remember the vows though..... For better or worse. Do you sincerely love her if you can't get passed the weight? Your issue is relatively common you can only do so much. Other options are different lines of approach....Obesity is hard on your heart, literally and figuratively in this case. A prime lead in for diabetes, and generally bad for ones health. Work with her as it may be something that she will get through on her own, maybe not.I know I love my current wife and would be attracted to her at 100 or 300 lbs.
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