A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me saying that we don't see things eye to eye. I have a 4 year old son, not with him. He feels bothered when my son acts up at the dinner table and wants to walk around. He believes children should be seen, not heard. My son's meal time at the daycare is merely 10 minutes, then all the children get up and play. My boyfriend believes that he should just sit at the dinner table for an hour and a half and just pretend to listen to our adult conversation. I explained to him he's leaving the table because he feels ignored. I believe children are human beings too and they deserve attention even though they have a limited idea of right or wrong. It's a dinner of three people, not just us two. I always thought we could come up with a middleground and I don't understand why everything went south this week. I asked him if he's interested in someone else he said no. It's not that I don't have enough one on one time with my boyfriend. He wants to be a part of my son's life too but why can't he loosen up and try to work things out? If he can't get along with my son fine, I would just spend alone time with my boyfriend until my son's more mature but why give everything up now?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 I suspect you are from the same school of parenting as myself. You cannot have too many expectations for attention span from a four year old. Ten minutes at the dinner table would be a world record for my little boy! I am sorry to say that this isn't the man for you. After all, he knew you had a young child at the start of the relationship. He is being very intolerant of your child. Your child is your priority, not this man. Even if you carried on compromising by having dates where your boy wasn't involved, how long could that arrangement go on for? It maybe ok to be casually dating such a man, but I sense you hoped for a long-term happy ever after with him. That might involve him living with you and being part of the family life. If he is unable to accommodate the needs of your preschool child in the context of dating, the resentment will only build over time if he moved in. As your child gets older he will come to understand the intolerance that this man demonstrates towards him and it may have emotional consequences for his own well-being if he feels he is being rejected. I don't think you should feel bad about the relationship ending. He wasn't the right man for you, but there are many men out there who readily accept other people's children. My father is one example as he raised my eldest brother as his own child, and my neighbour readily accepts the role of step-dad to two children who aren't biologically his.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 Hi Jannie Peg,
Often in life a lot of heartbreak in life comes from unrealistic expectations. This is one of those cases. Your recently exed boyfriend is making a big mistake because he has an unrealistic expectation. If he expects to have a relationship involving children at any time in the future he is going to have to learn more about children. What he is expecting of your 4 year old is simply not going to happen, regardless of how much training the parents put in. If you go back in time to when children were seen and not heard, you would find that children didn't eat with the adults. They ate at a separate time, often in a separate room.
I have some experience teaching children at the 3 - 5 age range. The first thing they taught us was that these kids have an attention span of about 5 minutes. Everything we did was broken up into short activities. Teach a concept. Sing a song. Teach a related concept. Play a game. Teach a related concept. And so on. That is exactly why meal time at day care is 10 minutes. They know what they are doing. The other thing about kids that age is that they love structure. Every time they came to class we did the same things in the same order. It was very important to them to know what was coming up next. And to be able to rely on it.
Your Boyfriend up and leaving is going to seriously upset your son. He is used to the routine and missing him from that picture is going to be a difficult adjustment. If you can keep to much of the same routine, making small adjustments one at a time he will be less trouble to you. For example, you may want to stay at the table after eating and read while he has time to play alone as he has been doing. Remember that he doesn't need the whole 90 minute block. 10 minutes should work fine. If you introduce a new schedule, say clearing away the dinner dishes together, be sure to do it at about the same time every day. To follow the same example: Eat for 10 to 20 minutes. Read while he has some single playing time, for 10 minutes. Then he can come and help you clear up the dishes. a 4 year old wit thrive on this routine.
With every age comes new challenges. I've worked with 8 - 10 year olds and the problems are completely different. Now I'm working with 12 year olds, and it is more learning for me. The important thing is to understand the needs and limitations of the kids you are working with. That way you avoid expecting something that just won't happen.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): Janniepeg,
Well thankfully you have broken up with this guy - SORRY, I know this is very painful, and how you must be feeling, but the man is very unreasonable, does not share your views on childcare and bringing up children. Your son is four and deserves to be treated with the same consideration, if not more than an adult, as he is dependent on you for everything, from his well-being, safety, education, learning right from wrong and how to interact emotionally, the latter is so important, it's what forms our characters and personalties for the future.
Too many children are given love and attention as they need it to grow well rounded individuals, so please do NOT worry about what this man thinks on how your son should be at the table, he is obviously emotionally immature and not in the least caring towards a young childs needs.
Give yourself some time and space to recover from the split, concentrate on you and your son, and when you do eventually meet another man, ensure he has similar ideas for bringing children up BEFORE he ever meets your son, as children are very perceptive. Your son should not be subjected to such a situation, or be made to feel awkward to the point where he has to leave a table.
I wish you well, and hope the the pain eases soon, but better things will come along..and in the meantime, just carry on being a loving Mum.
Jilly x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): He's giving up because he doesn't foresee your relationship working out in the future. Here you've cited your son's dinner-time behavior as a reason your boyfriend is annoyed. When your son gets older - age ten or twelve, even - do you think you'll then suddenly force him to sit at the dinner table and pretend to listen to an adult conversation? Probably not, because of your viewpoints on children, which are clearly very different from his.
Chalk this one up to a loss, even if you don't fully understand it. He explained what he was feeling, and unfortunately, when people are the ones dumped, that's all they really have to go on. Sorry about the break-up, as I know it hurts, but you'll eventually find a man who agrees with your method of child-rearing who loves your son just as much as you do.
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A
female
reader, Dr.Ski +, writes (31 July 2010):
He is chewing more than he can bargain for, he is clearly a very demanding person, and if you dont both agree on something, he will want too be right, therefore he thinks he is better than you, and has no choice but too walk away. In my opinion, if you ever cross someone like this, then you should completely walk away, and tell yourself your better than that, because you are. He is bargaining stupid reasons too get out of a relationship, he is clearly not committed, or mature enough. :) x
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