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*utOfTime
writes: I love my wife very much and would never want to hurt her. We get along very well and are very connected, except for one area: sex. I am no longer attracted to her physically. In the meantime, an old girlfriend of mine has contacted me and really wants to have sex with me.Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Sadly, my wife has gained alot of weight since the wedding nearly three years ago. I explained to her that its not fair to me; tried to work out with her; she's tried all the diets but, in the end, she doesn't care anymore. She knows that we're married and that I probably won't leave. I'm not physically attracted to her; so I become less attracted to her personality; less patient with her moods and less desirous to spend time with her.So, do I continue the marriage and suppress my libido; have affair(s)and maintain the marriage; or leave the marriage. (Please note that I care about looks and have given up on getting her to look good again and improve the marriage).It seems that an emotionless affair(s) while maintaining the stability of the marriage is the way to go. However, for the OP, sex with an ex-grilfriend is never emotionless.
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reader, Atlguy  +, writes (18 February 2008):
One more thing. As a last ditch effort on my part, and to improve my own physique, I'm ordering this, which I saw on "The Big Idea" on CNBC....http://www.fluidity.com
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reader, Atlguy +, writes (18 February 2008):
Man, do I understand. I did a google search on this which is how I found this thread. My wife is short, 5'2", works too hard at a desk all day, and has (or had) pre-type 2 diabetes. She reversed it with diet mostly, and some exercise. She needs to drop about 20 pounds, which on a woman who is 5'2", is a lot. I've always been very visual, which gets interpreted as shallow. I take pride in my own looks and at almost 40 (yikes!!!) My wife tells me I look better than most 30 year old guys. But this does not motivate her to keep in shape!I think work gets in the way, especially in the U.S., where so much emphasis is placed on it. She drives 1 hour each way to a job she loves, works a full day, then comes home and cooks (yes, I do too, but I suck at it). Exercise is on the bottom of the list for her.On the flip side, my career is in the toilet, forcing me to have to start my own business. This gives me time to stay in shape, as that is almost a bigger priority than success. Did I just say that??? Crap. I feel like a failure in my career, but a winner in the gym. Although I'm clueless if other women notice me, and maybe thats a good thing. But back to my wife, the thought of cheating, or a "rub and tug" has crossed my mind many times. I'm still considering the special massage thing if I can find one. Better than having intercourse with someone else. Our sex life in nonexistent and she wants a baby. With my A) career issues and B) lack of attractiveness to her, how can we have a kid? On the other hand, I am pushing 40. This is one hell of a midlife crisis. By the way, she's only 32.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Man, do I understand. I did a google search on this which is how I found this thread. My wife is short, 5'2", works too hard at a desk all day, and has (or had) pre-type 2 diabetes. She reversed it with diet mostly, and some exercise. She needs to drop about 20 pounds, which on a woman who is 5'2", is a lot. I've always been very visual, which gets interpreted as shallow. I take pride in my own looks and at almost 40 (yikes!!!) My wife tells me I look better than most 30 year old guys. But this does not motivate her to keep in shape!I think work gets in the way, especially in the U.S., where so much emphasis is placed on it. She drives 1 hour each way to a job she loves, works a full day, then comes home and cooks (yes, I do too, but I suck at it). Exercise is on the bottom of the list for her.On the flip side, my career is in the toilet, forcing me to have to start my own business. This gives me time to stay in shape, as that is almost a bigger priority than success. Did I just say that??? Crap. I feel like a failure in my career, but a winner in the gym. Although I'm clueless if other women notice me, and maybe thats a good thing. But back to my wife, the thought of cheating, or a "rub and tug" has crossed my mind many times. I'm still considering the special massage thing if I can find one. Better than having intercourse with someone else. Our sex life in nonexistent and she wants a baby. With my A) career issues and B) lack of attractiveness to her, how can we have a kid? On the other hand, I am pushing 40. This is one hell of a midlife crisis. By the way, she's only 32.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): people have to keep themselves up. women strap on the high waisted lee mom jeans with the busted dirty tennis shoes and a scrunchie in their hair and expect to be seen as a love goddess. men will cheat regardless of how u look. as j.lo and halle berry. even THEY got cheated on.
but, my point is... keep yourself looking good. not for him. but for u. that way when the relationship crashes and burns because he f's up... at least u still look great.
i just can't understand these women who go from victoria's secret to baggy t-shirts and jogging pants. who says u can't be a stylish mom? i think even your kids would appreciate a mom who put effort into how she looked instead of pushing food down her throat all day sitting on the couch watching oprah and being a "stay at home mom".
if ure home all day, that's even more reason to be able to pay more attention 2 your figure.
news flash, ladies. having a baby is NOT an excuse 2 let yourself go. u have 9 months to be big.
what woman doesn't wanna get back into her pre-pregnancy clothes immediately after giving birth
men, don't cheat. just leave.
women, keep up your appearance and for goodness sake.... keep your weight down for your health.
signed,
a 5'7, 120lb mother of one
bite me :-P
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): My wife is smart and gorgeous. 5"8 125 lbs. I'm 5"11 170 lbs and in good shape. I work out, she doesn't as she is blessed with good genes, BUT.. I know when you don't work out, endorphins and sex go together. Less exercise usually means less desire for sex. Anyway, here is my situation. I have gone to the gym, I make the right comments, tell her how beautiful she is in right doses, send her flowers, everything you can think of all in great doses, not overwhelmingly. Other women hit on me, I'm attractive, she knows other women are attractive to me and I am always respectful, never give those others even a flirt, because I love my girl. She loves me, but is she in love with me? This morning, I got close to slowly spoon her and say good morning, like I always TRY to do. Usually she just says, I'm not ready to wake or that I am too heavy, even when I didn't even lay one pound on her. Anyway, I went to spoon her and She replied "get on your side, don't rub your penis all over me." The sad thing was, I didn't do that. All I did was get close to her and say good morning my love. She does give me casual kisses, on the couch we watch tv and curl up, but when she goes to bed or wakes up, I better not get on her side of the bed or touch her. We have had sex twice since we got married two months ago. I don't know what to do. She dirfts in and out of good moods. I don't think she is attracted to me. I'm now starting to look at other women. I tried talking with her. I told her in the most gentlemen and manly way of my feelings and desires and how I would like to know what hers are. She always gets defensive, then gets quiet. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Dan Savage covers this very issue in his Nov. 22, 2007 column.
In short, you need to find the courage to bring this up with her, and let her know how you feel.
Of course, it is never a good idea to cheat. It would accomplish nothing. Having sex a few times in an affair isn't what you want... you want (and deserve), to be with someone you find sexually attractive and have sex with them a few times a week. So, work towards this goal, and be patient. If you care about your wife you can wait.
If nothing has changed or she doesn't put a significant effort into this, you might have to think about leaving her. If you guys are into "alternative" lifestyles you could just tell her you'd like an open marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): There is nothing you can do, I have tried everything, I even joined weight watchers and lost 40 pounds myself. I did all the healthy shopping, meals etc. She, my wife, just does not put in the effort. I am only staying for the kids because I don't want them to have "2" Dads. Its like retirement, do your time and get out, I figure 15 more years and I am out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): Quick answer, don't cheat dude...you may get away with it but you're better off just being up front with your wife about everything that is on your mind.I can completely relate to you though, I'm married for 2 years now and WOW did my wife let herself go. She's packed on about 45 lbs since we got married and tells me all the time about how she's trying and that she's lost 2 lbs this week, 1 lb that week but at the end of the day she looks the same, still big.I thought about cheating too, had the chance (still have it) but decide not to. At some point I need to get the courage to get out. We have no kids and she makes a good living so she'll do ok. Heh, typing this has been more helpful for me than all the reading I've done on this subject for the last month. I know what I have to do to be happy, sounds like you do too.Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I am in the same situation as you in terms of not being attacted to my wife. She has put on weight over the years and has let herself go, while I am at the peak of physical condition. We had promised each other that we would work to keep ourselves over the years attractive to each other. I had a relationship with a woman outside the marriage who was very attractive, fit and sexual. I don't advise you to go that route with your ex or anybody else. From one dude to another, it was a fun ride but unless you are planning to leave your wife, you are more likely to crash and burn from the ride in the end. Sex and physical attraction are key for guys in relationships, it is a big part of how we feel emotionally connected to our wives, so if that isn't there then maybe you should be honest with her (which she won't like) and see if she can change, or leave the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Ok, I know i'm rocking the boat here,
but I completely understand! I have several friends that have "put on weight" and from an outside eye looking in. I have noticed that their husbands' eyes wonder according to their dress size! AND, I for one agree. When i got married I vowed for better or worse, not that I was going to let myself go to the worse side- like so many women are doing now a days. Do not cheat, but let her know how you feel. Let her know what you would like and encourage her to change. Help her! BUT if she doesn't you must also let her know that you are prepared to leave her. Your only other choice is go and get some shrink to convince you you like fat people. Now it didn't work for me, but hey..
No fatties
Tx-mom-of3
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I dont think we should be too hard on this guy either. Hes clearly conflicted about the whole thing and looking for guidance, or more probably reinforcement of what he knows is right. My wife is quite overweight and has never really been sexually aggressive and for a guy it makes things difficult, married 12 years btw. As such Im not very attracted to my wife either at the moment and for guys when were not feeling the desire to have sex it just feels wrong and we look around for ways to feel right. Sure you can talk to your wife and explain how you feel but if nothing changes then what do you do? Im not advocating an affair because that is a betrayal however you look at it. Ultimately a rationale response will require patience, probably a good deal of time and communication and a desire on both sides for the marriage to work. Setting asside our evolutionary proclivities towards polygamy you often hear married couples who have been married for decades say that marriage takes work and I seriously think that nowadays we dont seem to have the same degree of perserverence ( or societal expecation for that matter) of bygone generations. I cant say whether thats a good or bad thing but the "quick fix" rarely provides a lasting answer and if you have a loving marriage you owe it too each other to endure for better and worse, thats why its worded that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Quote:
"she will hurt no matter what,that is assuming she is still in love w/your sorry excuse for a self anyway!"
There is no reason to attack this guy! I'm not saying that because I am him or that I agree with him, I am saying this because he is expressing his feelings openly, something that isn't very easy for most men to do, myself included, well atleast for issues that are difficult for us to openly admit. I am married, my wife is pregnant and getting heavier, sex isn't the same for me for many reasons. The first being I am stressed from the idea of this long commitment to a child, but it is one I accpeted and I am dealing with it. I want my baby, but it is a long hard road, albeit full of great rewards. I will soo be the sole provider, that has added stress. I know she will have her stress of being a stay at home mom, the depression that often comes with it. Marriage is difficult! regardles of what anyone says or trys to say it is. I had a very passionate crazy relationship with my ex, sex was outstanding, but we nearly killed each other in fights. Often great sex happens with crazies, because emotions are high and everything is always on a knifes edge, we all know how awesome make up sex is. Sadly, she was not the woman for me, my wife is! My wife is amazing, awesome and perfect for me. We get along so well. So here is the conundrum: She is pregnant and getting heavier so its no so easy to be attracted to her right now, but I know it will change. We have sex daily usually 2 times a day, she mostly initates, she comes very quickly with me, not a bad thing, but I do like a challenge now and again lol. I know being pregnant has changed how wet she can get, its not the same so I dont come most of the time. I am saying all of this because I feel this guy's pain. I find myself very attrcated to others, but you have to force yourself to try and what you have. THE GRASS AINT GREENER FOR LONG! It will seem very nice for sometime, but then reality hits why you married your wife, she is probably smart, charming, and you both get along famously, something new pussy won't give you, well not without tons of guilt! trust me~! I am repiaring my marriage and making sure it stays good and healthy, if she wants to have sex and I am not fully into, I damn sure will have sex, she would do the same for me I know it and has. I know that after the baby it will be better and yet more difficult too, but thats what I signed up for, so if you said those vows and want it to work. My advice. F&(%ing TRY! TRY TRY TRY! You owe it to her and yourself to give a 100% to this. The altnernative is deconstucting things, hurting her, and bleive me hurting yourself too! Esp if you have children! I was raised in a broken home, and I wont let that happen to my child and or children. I think in our quick fix society its easy to end things and begin again, but the real test of love is hanging in there loving someone forever. Its not all roses, but it can be very good and fulfilling too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): my husband would rather masterbate than have sex with me im attractive and all my friends say that its sad i love sex and beg for it i don't cheat but im not happy help
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): The fact that you are even entertaining this ex gf speaks volumes. Don't have sex with her unless you are prepared to lose your wife or undergo some serious consequences. A relationship is very difficult to keep without trust. If you sleep with someone else, you're going to throw out the trust instantly, and it will take ONE night to lose the trust, and several years to regain even a part of it back. If you truly love your wife, DON'T do it. You may not realize it, but this may be 'just sex' to you, but to a woman, even the thought of entertaining sex with someone else pierces her to the core of her heart. You need to TALK with her, tell her how you REALLY feel. Choose a good time to talk, and approach it gently, because its going to hurt her, BUT, it will not hurt her like saying nothing and cheating on her will... If you come to HER about it and TALK with her about it (as hard as it is for men to talk about things, its much easier than having to deal with confrontation and mistrust all the time!) in a CARING and SINCERE manner, she'll respond.
You didn't say WHY you are not attracted to her, but if its a weight issue, make a plan for 'we' not 'her'. WE should start walking together every night and WE can change our diets so WE are healthy for each other so we can not only enrich our lives together, but we'll have so much energy we'll be able to do so much more together!. If you make the focus on 'we' i/o 'her' or 'YOU', she may be more receptive. Put in positive, get positive back. PUt in negative, get negative back. Cheating on her would be double duty negative!
And, remember, if she's had KIDS, oh boy, it takes at LEAST a year to lose the weight, and if she's breastfeeding, expect it to take longer. Hormones do CRAZY things to the female body and its HARD to lose the weight. (This is coming from a once VERY fit woman, who got 'fat' having kids, and was able to lose it all after about 2 years. Now I'm on my 3rd baby, and its even TOUGHER this time around! I really need my husband to help me, or I'd give up and not care. If you show that YOU genuinely care about her well being, SHE will respond. lt, but NOT impossible when a wife has the total support of her husband, and I don't mean money, I mean encouragement, high fives, congratulations, making big deals about reaching goals, taking her out for losing 5 lbs, etc.
~A woman who's been both sexy and fit and fat and flabby!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): You have the right to sexual attraction. I would ask yourself if it may be your wife's personality or other that is effecting how you feel about her as well? If so identify and confront no matter how hard it may be. If it turns out just weight then that's a bit shallow but I'm sure she would listen to your suggestions and be happy (although begrudgingly) with a little encouragement to improve her hip to waist ratio or whatever it is that you find attractive. Good luck, it takes strength to face your fears and confront your wife. It's even harder to work on something and feel un-natural about it when it should feel perfectly natural.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006): I am a pretty girl with a good body that I work hard to maintain. I married a guy who was a runner, and soo good looking. We've been married three years and now he is FAT with a huge belly and balding. I've asked him so many times to exercise, but he is honest with me and says that now that he has the girl, he doesn't think he needs to try anymore. Men aren't the only ones with that problem, "Mr. Anon".
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Have you considered asking her to lose weight? It amazes me the things we don't say to people, whatever the end cost. All of those things you wanted to say to all of those people in your past, all you wanted to ask, but didn't, why the hell not? That's what I asked myself one day. I know say, and ask people the things which are eating at me.
Also, American women, you are, on the overwhelming average, too fat. Someone said "for better or for worse, including fat", well how selfish... It isn't fair to marry someone looking attractive, then get comfortable and let yourself go. And let's put your partener aside entirely - how about your own self-respect? For one to become overweight and do nothing about it shows a lack of self-respect. Not having self-respect is about as attrative as being overweight.
And I'm sorry American women, you've priced yourselves out of the market and soon most American men will be looking overseas.
Mr. Anon (as I'm not signing up for this crap site)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006): loving someone and being in love w/them are 2 totally different things.i love my brother but im not in love w/him. get it.so what you love your wife if you are not attracted to her let her go.don't be a baby about this.if you care about her at all cheating is the one thing that you should not do.as far as hurt goes that is inevidable!!she will hurt no matter what,that is assuming she is still in love w/your sorry excuse for a self anyway!perhaps she has someone else too!!and that would be terrific.he is probly a better lover to her anyway seeing as he most likely is attracted to her!chew on that one for a moment!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006): My question for you is...how attached are you to your things? i.e: car, house, clothes, electonics, etc?? 'Cause when your wife finds out that you're cheating on her, you won't have any of those things anymore...see Waiting To Exhale, if you don't believe me. Cheating aint' an option, bro. Not when you said for better or worse...and yes worst means fat, too. But you've probably already squrewed the chick anyway, so whatever.
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (24 April 2006):
 You obviously have no idea what loyalty and respect means. No, do your wife the favour of divorcing her first and then move on.
To the SHALLOW male anon below with the IQ of a gnat and the personality of a dead fish, save your tirade and fattest comments for a forum that wants to here them. Yes I have insulted you, but hey I dont hide and play ANON!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2006): Have sex with your ex-girlfriend!!! People who think the wife should groom better or get a makeover are CLUELESS. His wife is FAT, that's why he's not attracted to her anymore. Men are not attracted to fat asses, and no amount of grooming or makeovers will make her pretty again until she gets on a treadmill and loses some weight. It makes me want to laugh when fat women get new haircuts, manicures, or go tanning. Does it make them prettier? No! If you are at an average height and weigh over 150 pounds, you need to lose some weight before any amount of makeover will matter.
I'd also like to make a comment to the female above whose husband says, "large breast don't do anything for me." It's his way of saying that your fatty large breasts don't make up for the fact that you are FAT. If you were thin and had large breasts, it would be a different story. All of you women need to lose some weight or us men are going to foreign countries where women aren't so damn huge. American women are ridiculous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): marriage is trap to drain men of sexual fulfillment. we are meant to have sex with multiple partners. No woman is attactive enough to make up for variety. Go and enjoy your life. The key is to make enough money that woman will want you even if they are not the only one. it's tought if you're not doing well financially.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): I really hope you read and answer this. But my situation is similar. I don't think my husband is attracted to me. I think he is attracted to the idea of me, but he is not physically drawn to me. It's been really hard for a long time. I always have to beg to get sex. I practically have to get him drunk. Why aren't you attracted to your wife anymore. Were you ever? I've tried asking him, but he just says "yes I'm attracted" but he says other things like "large breast don't do anything for me". I'm large breasted. I know I'm not his type. Plus I've gained weight. I know he loves me, but I wish he would just come clean and tell me whats up. Whenever the conversation gets too deep, he runs off to have a cigarette. I really want to know, from a mans pt of view. Why aren't you attracted to your wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006): do it. but only if you are willing to leave your wife.
the dynamic of my relationship with my wife changed. as our marriage progressed, we became "friends with benefits" in the sexual arena. yes - we still did the deed a few times per year, but the passion just wasn't there.
absent passion for each other, you are not in love, and a marriage cannot exist outside of true love. leave your wife, follow your heart, and by all means, find the woman who gets you going and feels the same for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2006): Dont ever do that. You love her right? Tell her that you need more spice and want to love her better. So maybe she should groom a little more and and try to appear more sexy. She will agree. Women are more understanding than we men know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2005): What if it was the other way around? How would you feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): You give men a bad name. You are the reason why poor men get accused by their girlfriends and wives of cheating. If you really are not interested in having a full relationship with your wife, including sex, please let her go. You are trying to have your cake and eat it too. It's morally wrong and goes against all your wedding vows. Have some respect for your wife and yourself. What sort of ex appears out of nowhere when you are married and offers to have sex with you? She sounds like a slut to me. Grow up and start having some respect for yourself and your family. I know 17 year olds with better responsibility than you have.
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reader, Thistle +, writes (8 December 2005):
You are pathetic. Men like you are the reason that women become insecure and jealous in relationships. If you want to go with this female then tell your wife and end it and move on with your life. Let her find someone better than you that finds her attractive in every way. You have no morals at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): You men are so pathetic ,so predictable,honestly writing in about your issues knowing full well what the right thing is,be honest and have some damn respect for the women you claim to love.Your a fool, i think you should tell your wife ,let her dump you and find a real man that can at least learn to keep passion alive in your relationship it's not all physical and have somebody that treats her with respect and doesn't think 'oh shall i leave my wife and have sex with the ex' bloody pathetic i hope you die a very lonely man !!!
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reader, Sami +, writes (8 December 2005):
Don't waste your wife's time. She's probably a dynamite woman that alot of men would want. Let her go to be with someone who appreciates her and go be with your other girlfriend. You must not love your wife that much to consider having sex with someone else. And don't come crying back to her when the girlfriend turns out to be a real loser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): I'm kinda going the other way with this one, get it out of your system. If you want to have sex with this girl, do it. I think its more the fact that she wants you and the thought of it is very appealing. Once you do it you will realize that hey that was fun but its not worth throwing away my marriage. I'm not a heartless guy, just one who knows the guy will actually be happy once he has sex with this girl. You need to get some much needed excitement. Go for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): Dear Cupid moderator, please excuse me but WTF?!?! That sounds like what a teen going through puppy love would ask his/her friends! Geez, I pretty much summed up my answer there... [long long sigh]
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): You're a pig! No you SHOULDNT have sex with her!
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reader, Mirabell +, writes (7 December 2005):
 Why make your life more complicated than it already is? If you want to have sex with your old girl so badly just get a separation from your wife. Don't go out and have sex with someone else and come home to her. That's just bad form.Be honorable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): You would be crazy to do this your marriage, guy! How you deal with being attracted to this old gf is up to you but you need to make a firm committment to yourself that you will not disrespect your wife. Period. Look but don't touch.Then leave your wife alone and start working on yourself. Cause some day you're gonna be bald with a saggy concave chest and hair growing out your ears, and you're going to want this woman staying by your side no matter what you look like. And if you feel like you need to have attractive women around you to feel happy, be honest and end your marriage first. I really don't think this is about your wife and her attractiveness, I think it's about you, your overblown ego and your attitude. Remember, sexiness is all in the mind and you are just trying to find a lame excuse to go "boink" another woman. I feel soooo sorry for your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): You shouldn't even be talking to that ex girlfriend to find out she wants to have sex with you. How would you feel if you wife cheated on you? I don't know if your wife has let her self go, or has little kids and no time focus on herself, and if she is still attracted to you, but why don't you think about what it is that is making you feel that way. You need to accept her for how she is, and not stray, or not be with her. You could suggest you both try to get in shape, if that is in issue, but if you love her, you wont cheat.
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reader, sexseahot +, writes (7 December 2005):
 Well, I'm pretty sure you just said that you wouldn't want to hurt your wife and you love her very much. So why would you think that having sex with your old gf wouldn't hurt her? If you are not attracted to your wife, maybe you should try to get her a makeover and make her more attractive to you. There's no reason to be unfaithful and what would come out of having sex with an old gf besides hurt for your wife? If you really care and love your wife as much as you say you do, it'd most likely be better to not be unfaithful. Nothing good ever comes out of that.
I hope you make the right decision and actually think about your wifes feelings and maybe talk to her about how you feel and if you guys care as much, maybe she'll make sure that you are attracted to her again.
Good Luck! I hope this helps a little.
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