A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé has suffered from delayed ejaculation ever since we met. For over a year he could never reach orgasm with me unless he uses his hand, closed his eyes and tuned me out. Literally I could not speak. I confronted him and it turned out he was frequently masturbating and using porn. I asked him to stop that as it may be causing the issue and he agreed but it just got worse. I dreaded having sex with him, it always ended with him masturbating on me and I found it disgusting. He had never stopped masturbating and using porn he was just lying. I found out and got very upset. I was trying to be patient and understanding. He finally stopped and now is able to orgasming with my hand and mouth but still not from sex. I feel like he has gone from masturbating with his own hand, to using my hand and mouth, there is no connection. He makes no effort at all during sex, literally just lays there making me do all the work, and I am tired of it, I don’t enjoy it at all. I have told him this, told him I want to be able to have a normal functioning sex life, but everytime he does the same thing. I have started to turn him down, because I do not want to be used as a masturbatory toy! I am so tired of this. What can I do? I am very easy going, sexually open and would do whatever he wanted in bed, but he seems to just not enjoy intercourse at all.
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ejaculation, orgasm, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): If you love him, I think you should give him an ultimatum: either you fix this or it's over. He could see a sex therapist if he needs to. Chances are he has just gotten so used to the tight grip of his own hand that your vagina doesn't do the trick for him. You might want to 'google Dan Savage death grip'.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (4 October 2017):
Life always gives us warnings before we make big decisions. Problem is...we don't listen. We feel if we stick around long enough, yell, scream, get angry, build up resentment, that some how things will change.
Your partner has already destroy his future with any woman.
Some people see trouble and walk right into it, and turn around and behave as if it is a big surprise.
You see where this is now...You really want marry into a future life of masturbation?? Do you not feel you are worth more than this?
The warning is there...The pain train is coming...where do you want to be? On the tracks, or on the platform?
Your choice...But don't say you did not see it coming.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 The guy is a porn addict who has gotten too used to not only his hand, but the artificial stimulation that porn brings, which is why he closes his eyes and tunes you out. You're right. You are a prop. He's making love with himself only.
If it were me, and he hadn't changed after I spoke to him about it, I'd probably call off the marriage and move on, as that sort of problem only gets worse if he isn't committed to rebooting his brain.
Here is the problem if you're not willing to break up with him:
You need to make all of your future sexual encounters ALL ABOUT YOU. Meaning, you don't touch him. You don't use your mouth on him. You don't use your hands on him. He needs to take 100% of his energy and pleasure YOU, and pleasure you to orgasm, not to a fake orgasm, not until he's tired, but he needs to get you off. This means he can't lay back and close his eyes. He has to be engaged in looking into your eyes, kissing you, taking direction from you as to what feels good, finding out ON YOUR OWN what gets you off, and making him YOUR sex toy.
I mean it! If you masturbate on your own, then you know how to get yourself off, and if you don't masturbate on your own, I suggest you start, because that is one of the major awesome wonders in life. Women have twice as many nerve endings in their clitoris than men do in their penis.
You didn't mention who usually initiates sex between you and him, but if it's him, YOU become passive and be the "receiver" of the pleasure. See, porn shows the women pleasuring the men because it stimulates the watcher of the porn, but it's not real sex. He has learned about sex from the wrong source, and he really sucks at it. If you have encouraged his bad habits by faking an orgasm or a fake moan in pleasure, that all ends right now. Utter NOT ONE MORE MOAN unless it comes from a place of true pleasure. Don't do it to speed him up or get it over with. If he tries to revert to porn-hand-stuff, stop the sex and end it.
If a guy gets desperate enough, he'll have sex with pillows, sex dolls, anything. If you touch him, EDGE him, meaning touch him SLOWLY, only to tease him. DO NOT get him off until you've had your orgasm. Make him go down on YOU, and not for 5 seconds either.
If he is stupid and refuses to become adventurous, then drop him for good. He is selfish in the bedroom, and a porn addict. Show him "yourbrainonporn.com" and watch it yourself to see what got him to his mental state. It will help you deal with what is going on here!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017): This is a deal breaker.He is making you miserable.You haven't married him yet. Please don't. He isn't right for you. In fact, I doubt any woman would be happy with him in bed. He needs to remain single and keep pleasing himself because he is incapable of pleasing anyone else.If you stay with him, he will make you more and more miserable.Trust me, there are a lot of great guys out there who could satisfy you sexually and who are NOT addicted to pornography!!!If you let this one go and meet a new guy who wow's you in bed you will kick yourself for waiting so long and enduring this clown a lot longer than you should have!!Seems to me you are familiar with the pain and misery he is causing you. And you'd rather suffer with a pain that is familiar rather than venturing into the unknown.It's better to be alone than made to feel alone in a relationship.How far down are you willing to go?It seems you have passed your breaking point.Let him go.He will never change.And neither would your situation.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 You have discussed this with him but nothing has changed. Can you envisage life in 5, 10 or 20 years' time, still the same? If not, then you need to draw a line under this relationship and call it a day.
I have to ask, why did you agree to get engaged to him? You are obviously very unhappy. Don't you think you deserve better?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 My guess is that he developed an addiction to porn and got used to the feeling off his hand, therefore it now makes sex difficult for him to finish because he has grown accustomed to the feel off a hand finishing the job. This could be physiological as well.
I can understand your frustrations, I would not be happy with this sex life either. It is clear he is not willing to change his habits, so if you cannot live with this then I think you need to tell him that. Married life will only get worse if he cannot perform now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2017):
 You say you are not a masturbatory toy, yet you ARE one.
You are with a man who has a WHOLE other view of sex than you do. He RATHER do solo sex (with his hand and porn) than be an active participant who WANTS to explore and pleasure his partner and himself.
He isn't INTERESTED in real sex. Just the porn sex which he probably views as "real". He isn't interested in the INTIMACY that sex is about, just his orgasm. Not yours, not your pleasure... JUST him getting his junk rubbed till he ejaculates.
YOU can't fix this. You have tried to work around it by suggesting he lay off the porn and solo handjobs and at first, he did it (thus nothing changed) when he figured he had to lay off the solo handjobs or you might leave he went from HIM doing it, to you doing it.
So you are not sexually compatible.
Your sex life sounds like crap. It sounds like (and correct me if I am wrong) that it revolves around him getting his monkey spanked and not much else.
If he is your age... don't expect him to change AT ALL.
If you stay with him THIS is the sex you get. Because this is the sex he knows and the extent of his interest in sex. Your libido will keep going down and your resentment up. You will end up even more unfulfilled and sexually frustrated.
So really... I'd consider ending it and finding someone who is a better match IN and OUT of bed.
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