A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never had a relationship longer then two years and those were pretty rocky for a good portion. I've been known to pick the wrong guys and so I'm trying to do things different lately. Marriage is a big goal in life for me and I would like to think there's signs to look for that point to a relationship being marriage material other than "you'll just know". I'm wondering if anyone here can explain to me the major differences between boyfriend/girlfriend vs husband/wife and the ways in which things got more serious/not serious after getting married? For example, are husbands more comfortable leaving their phones with their wives then boyfriend's of one year? What are signs that marriage could be the next step? Is it in the way they treat your friends and their friends treat you? Things of that nature. Thanks in advanced! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 October 2017):
Let me give you the secret of find a good man...most of the times.
RULE 1...Check the way he treats his mother. If he loves her and respects her, he will do the same to you.
Warning...Do not date a mama's boy. If his mother has to approve all his so call manly decisions...run.
Rule 2...Does he look after his parents if the need help with the small stuff. Like taking a his mom grocery shopping. Or picking up the prescriptions and dropping it off. Or help them around the house.
This shows he is caring, and a family man.
Basically...If a man does learn to have respect and love at home...he will never have it for you.
This also goes the other way...If you treat your parents badly...no man will ever make you happy...because you will treat them the same way you do your parents.
Disciple, love, respect and affection, are all learned at home. What you learn in the home, is what you will take outside with you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Why is it important to you that someone leave there phone with you? Are you insecure? Really a relationship progresses to marriage. But that takes time and patience. It should not be about marriage the moment you meet someone, and there is no signs to look for everyone is different and every marriage is different. Some work and some don't. You need to take a relationship a step at a time. Get to know each other, build love, build trust, build friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 OP, marriage shouldn't be a "big goal" - it should be a natural progression and a mutual desire within a relationship. Yes, you should only date people who want marriage, but if marriage is a "big goal", you'll focus too much on that and miss out on other things or red flags.When a relationship is mostly rocky, you seek couples' counselling or end it. It's a waste of time to stay.It really is a case of having been together for a while and feeling like it's the next step, not looking for specific signs that it is and bordering on "plotting" to get engaged after X, Y and Z have happened.Also, why are you interested in boyfriends vs husbands? Why is your example about leaving their phones?It's common for people under 30 to have only had a few relationships and none that lasted more than a couple of years. You have to have various experiences to understand what you want in a relationship and what is a deal breaker for you. Don't think of marriage as a goal, just think of it as something you'll have as criteria when dating - just that you're both on the same page about wanting it in the future, not that it happens after a certain amount of time or number of "signs".The only relevant "signs" I can think of is not marrying someone if:- you haven't met each other's families at least a few times- you haven't met each other's friends at least a few times- you don't trust each other fully (that doesn't mean having each other's passwords!)- possibly having lived together for a while, so you're not finding out about unbearable quirks after marriage- don't agree on whether or not to have children or how many- aren't aware of each other's financial habitsI, personally, think it's unwise to marry anyone you haven't been with for more than 2 years, but others disagree. It takes time to build a solid foundation with someone and, though some "shotgun"-like marriages work long-term, it's rare.Build your career.Become financially stable, if you haven't already.If you are, build up savings for a wedding/children.Take on a new hobby or learn something new.Get your own place/car, if you haven't already.Travel a bit, if you want to.Work on yourself and relationship development will happen on it's own. Figure out what you want in a long-term partner and only date people who fit most of the "criteria", so you're well-matched. Only talk about marriage early on to confirm you both want it, but don't focus on it until you've been together for a while.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Phones have nothing to do with a good marriage. Whether you are dating or married you BOTH have the RIGHT to privacy - which means you CAN (if you both choose to) give each other full access - e-mail, social media, phones, any other tech, diaries... whatnot. But I don't think it's a requirement at all. It shouldn't be. I've been married for 20 years and NEVER gone through his phone - now I HAVE seen e-mails his ex-wife sent him because he CHOSE to share it with me. He can pick up my phone anytime, he could go through it, but why would he?
Makes me wonder why you picked that "example". Feeling a NEED or thinking it's your "right" to go through his phone seems like the actions of a distrustful and insecure person. Nothing to do with a healthy relationship.
TRUST is key. Not full access. You are BOTH an individual, married or not.
I think in finding the "right" partner there are many many steps.
There is the attraction. If there is no attraction it might not last and if it's JUST physical, it might not last either.... You need SUBSTANCE. So, I'm not just talking physical attraction.
There is a cohesiveness between your and his standards, values, morals, and goals. Examples. If HE mentions he doesn't want kids or marriage (or both) he obviously isn't for you. If he is a Muslim and you a Christian there might be many many hurdles due to religious and cultural differences.
How HE treats his family and friends CAN be a good indicator what kind of man he is. Because most people will treat a new partner EXTRA sweet in the courtship/dating phase. So looking at how he, in general, treat others is worth noting.
How he deals with stress and money is another indication of what the future could hold. Is he frugal? Cheap? Extravagant? spend more than he earns? Does he save up for stuff? Is he an impulsive spender. It can be fine that he is ANY of these... as long as you don't have two people who are impulsive spenders in a relationship, that is just a recipe for disaster.
Is he willing to include you in his life? I'm not saying from the first date but at that point where you both feel this is a working relationship. So 6-9 months in?
How is he in social situations?
Does he have hobbies? What is he passionate about?
How well does he communicate? Handle conflict with you?
How much time does he spend with you in person. I know these days so many people have "relationships" over text mainly but that isn't viable. You need REAL interactions.
Are you a priority in his life?
Does he bring the BEST out in you? And you in him? BIG hit if you do.
Those are just some of the thing that could be good to consider. Quite often though we let our imagination and physical attraction lead the way - which can be good for a short-term relationship not always for a long term.
----------------------------
The SOONER you DUMP the WRONG guys the SOONER you can move on to one that is RIGHT. (for you).
So if you soon into the relationship see red flags, argue a lot, keep secrets, doesn't respect you, etc. etc. Don't TRY and FIX it all - you can't change another person. Just move on.
Does things get more serious after marriage? It depends on what you mean by "serious". Of course, things change - same with a long-term relationship. You don't NEED to be married in order to be SERIOUS about your partner. And hopefully, you didn't MARRY to get to the "serious" part... I know people who are just as goofy after 12 years of marriage as they were when dating.
Very few relationships that are "rocky" for most of the time are going to be long term. If there are things in the first few months that just screams NOPE! to you, then listen. Like, he is still in contact with his latest ex-GF and they hang out whenever you are not around. But she doesn't know about you or if she does, she doesn't want to meet you (or so he says)... but he claims they are JUST friends! Trying to call an ultimatum - her or me! is pointless and HE will not drop her regardless - then maybe he isn't good for you at all - unless you like being the 3rd wheel. Don't try and "fix" it. He should know BY now that this is not appropriate in a relationship.
Or you date a guy and he tells you he spends or "used to" spend $100's a month on Cam-girls. That won't change just because you are dating. He might tell you he isn't doing it anymore... but the likelihood of that? Is low.
Or he becomes super clingy and controlling as SOON as you agree to be exclusive. He goes through your phone, tell you what you can and can't wear, who you can hang out with, what pictures on your FB you should delete etc.
JUST look back at your not so great relationships and I bet you there were red flags you ignored because you thought you really liked the guy and things would get better... Just no.
It's as much about knowing WHAT you want as it is knowing what you DON'T want.
...............................
|
