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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I split up a couple of weeks but got back together again. We rowed after something pretty stupid.I used to live with him and used to be emotionally dependent on him. I used to also be housebound.He didn't want this (and neither did I, obviously) so he wanted me to leave his house (I wasn't quite so keen on this!).Anyway, I have become much stronger and independent. I am not clingy or dependent now. However, I feel unhappy.For example, I went out last night with a female friend. My boyfriend likes to go out and drink. He had been out the evening before but he still chose to gou out last night. I eventually went to the pub he was in. I did hope he would come home with me but instead, when I was tired, he just saw me out to a taxi and stayed in the pub. Later on I texted to say good night and he said he was talking to some folk and good night. I felt disappointed but I still didn't say anything. If I did, he would probably think I was being demanding or clingy.I am an attractive woman and I felt quite lonely going home alone, going to bed alone and waking up alone. I am at a stage in my life (I am 36, boyfriend same age) where I do want to be settled. I think relationships should be based on trust, love and respect and I certainly wouldn't be adverse to my partner doing his own thing.With this relationship, I do do my own thing and yet I still find myself waiting for him to call/text? It is crazy. I do everything right in that I go out and am not demanding. What do you think? Give up? I feel so down and alone because of this. Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): How was you childhood home like? Were Mom and Dad loving and responsive to one another and to you?
It sounds like you have a deep seated fear of abandonment which would have you appear "clingy" and "demanding". By the way...that whole demanding thing...men use it alot and they use your unstable, or mental, or emotional like its a flaw and something undesirable. They usually say this when they want their own way and want to no responsibility which is borderline abuse. Most men don't know that these words inflict damage on a woman and cause her to self doubt herself.
Then there are those men who are abusive, and emotional abuse is a harder thing to pinpoint as they rely on verbal and withholding affection, words of praise, comfort and support.
You probably don't even really believe you are an attractive woman as you weren't told it as a child by those who loved you. So even now, you look in the mirror and say I am attractive but you don't always feel it. There are some men who know when a woman has little self love, self respect, and self esteem. They use it as a weapon to control and wound.
I say, please seek a counsellor to teach you how to love and respect yourself enough and get stronger so that you can see if this man is a good, loving man who can give you the much needed support any woman needs or if he is a loser.
There is real no way of knowing if this is something you feel inside of yourself and is exacerbated by the BF or not.
So first things first. Work from the inside out.
Best Wishes.
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