A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for seven years. We got into a civil partnership last year. But everyday I wake up, I have more and more doubt about this relationship and I feel more and more distant from him.He goes down to a local pub every night for the past 3 years (in the first 4 years, he went out between 3-5 nights. Now he goes out every night for the past 3 years, except christmas). As I am not British, I used to think it was normal as my mates at uni used to go out a lot. But recently, I heard a friend complaining her husband going out every weekend and I started to feel really unhappy. I talked with him about this for many times but nothing has worked.. I tried to encourage him to have some hobbies and he wasn't willing to do anything else except pubs and his music over the laptop. I haven't been well for the past 3 years due to medication (legal) mess and side efforts. But I am 50% better compared to two years ago. I keep blaming myself that it's me who drive him out every night.He has said in numerous occasions that I am useless and many other nasty words. I have told him repeatedly that do not say that to me but he is still doing it. I told him I do not have a choice for my illness. I snapped a couple of times for the past year but he still calls me names.. This is why I think it is me who drive him out to the pub every night. I used to do all the houseworks but one day I woke up and asked myself why I was always cleaning and he never stopped messing things up. He likes to lie on the sofa and eat crisps and sandwiches and leaves the packages on the floor.. I got so fed up that I decided not to clean and tidy his mess after years.. His house had a previous loft conversaion without a certificate. It took him 5 years arranging someone and still, nothing was done. With his agreement, I arranged someone and got everything done within 2 months and got the certificate which increased his house value by 90%. He then complained the builder made a mess etc... This year, the boiler broke down. It has been 6 months and it's not done.. I offered to pay and to arrange someone to replace the boiler 4 months ago, he refused.. I know I have been house bound and suffered from fatigue for about 2 years. But I am financially independent and have not used any penny of his (except he doesn't ask me for rents)While looking through some posts online, I start to doubt if I am actually in a relationship... In the beginning, he was okay ish with hugging, kissing when we met. But for the past 4 years, he hasn't hugged or kissed when he came back home, not to mention he saying I love you. The sex is kind of okay. But we do not sleep in the same room. He complained I snored and then moved to the loft.He sometimes says very hurtful things which left him in tears in my room. For a few occasions, I wanted to go to the supermarket with him but he said he didn't want to -- 'because you're so fat and ugly. It's embarrassing'. I cried in private over that.Of course, there is always this nasty mother in law who constantly puts me down. I didn't want to confront her for the sake of my partner as he doesn't like awkard situations. But this year, I have stood up.I have been in really low mood today and my writing leaves a lot to be desired.. My apology.I just want to ask everyone, would you feel okay if your partner goes out every night drinking? Should I blame myself for everything he is? (I know I should not but sometimes, the thoughts are there..) I am so so unhappy and miserable in this relationship, should we go for counselling? (we dont have any child)ThanksConfused A
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): Hello,
It saddened me to read your letter. Your parter is not treating you with the respect and consideration that you deserve. If he loved and respected you he would spend his evenings with you, he wouldn't say hurtful things to you and he wouldn't allow his mother to say hurtful things to you. When you're in love with someone you want them to be happy and it seems that your partner is only interested in his own happiness. You are in no way responsible for his actions, we all chose to behave in a certain way, we each chose our moods and actions on a daily basis, your partner has chosen to behave in a very selfish and disrespectful way. I think that you need to ask yourself whether he is ever going to make you happy, if the answer to that is no then you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to stay in this relationship.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Counseling may help. As the joke says "how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?" answer "only one, but the light bulb has to want to change."
If he's not willing, there's nothing you can do about it.
Now about his behavior. Not good. Calling names, not good. Almost all of his behavior, not good. A relationship is not "I'm going to do what ever I want and piss all over you."
As far as it being your fault. If I punched you in the face, could their be any justification to place blame on you? NO, actions we own. Every single one of them. Read the posts on here. You have some who cope by cheating, some who drink, some who seek counseling, a wide variety of ways of coping with different situations. Whatever way we choose to cope, it's still our choice.
I went to the park today with my daughter. Such a wonderful time, but looking around at everyone else, I had to wonder who's there to keep their kids safe from someone abusive. Maybe no one, or possibly someone, but that too would be their way of coping with a situation.
We all have choices, and the only actions we can blame ourselves for are the actions we take part in.
If counseling doesn't work, or if it's refuse, I'd say it's time to make a change and leave.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Hello
I am sorry that you are having these problems, it is not your fault, when people become partner they should take the relationship seriously,it seems in your case he is not, i believe that couples should share there duty's together, but he seems to be using you as a skivvy,and you have to pay rent on top, that does not make sense to me,you really dont have a relationship, he is using you and you are falling into this trap, a councilor will only help if there is anything in you relationship to save but it seems that you really dont have a relationship, you could try but if he does not go with you then it is a waste off time,i really hate to say this but maybe it is time for you to move on, by your letter it seems that your relationship is over, sorry, you really need to talk to this guy and find out what his game is, if he does not talk you or he wont engage with you in anyway then it will be time for you to move on, you cannot stay in a relationship when there is no love, respect or honesty, if you do then you are fooling yourself, that is a very painful place to be.
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