A
female
age
41-50,
*ariposa
writes:I am married and I fall in love with a married man.We were together 3 years,then I left with my family(I have a daughter 15yo)abroad.I thought this man would stop me from leaving,but he didn´t...he kept silent till my very last day before the departure.,actually he said at the end ,"please come back...." We are calling each other every day,he even came to visit me...he wants me back,but I financially depend on my husband,I am afraid to jump into unknown...he bought an apartment and as a security he wants to give me the "residential right"( is it correct in English?)in this apartment,so I can live in this apartment all life long and nobody has a right to throw me out..He said ,"come,I am next to you,u have nothing to worry about.."I have a daughter and also I can´t transport all my things with me,so I would come only with a suitcase...I am afraid and not sure what to do? He is still married so am I,if we start living together like that what kind of problems might arise? Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Good luck. Please keep us updated on your situation. Sometimes you may feel the need to just share your feelings with strangers who care.
If you have a little financial independence you can remain in control of the situation. You can leave him and go back home, you can stay where you are and make another life. If he refuses to divorce his wife, you can still leave, you are not trapped by the decision you make today. If you spend a little time before you leave to be with him, talking to your husband, it may be that your marriage becomes stronger and you may decide to remain married. You can change your mind at any time, or with the full knowledge of the situation, you can follow your heart..... Take care of you, and make sure your child is not hurt by this situation. Good luck
A
female
reader, mariposa +, writes (5 July 2008):
mariposa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis wife knows about me since long ago...yes,he promise to start a divorce but in 1 year,c-se the divorce is expensive ...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): If you decide to take your daughter with you, she has a right to know what is going on. She may decide to stay with her father instead. If you have a no money, you should try to get a job and get some money so you won't be totally dependant on him. If you need him for money, you'll never be able to get out if you later change your mind. It's not good to be a sex slave to a man, because you need his money to survive. You also need to talk to your husband and tell him what is going on. He deserves to know how you feel and that your marriage is over. You have to divorce him so he can find a woman who loves him and is happy to be with him. If you can do this thing right, if you manage to divorce your husband without hurting him and causing you pain, he might one day become your best friend and your biggest support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): So you've left your husband and are now considering taking up the job of mistress. Your choice babes, love can make us do funny things. Being a mistress to a married man is hard. If he's decent, he should try to act like a man with two wives. He should be good to you and make you feel special and he should be good to his wife and make sure she never finds out. It's a very difficult situation and only the very strong can live like this for very long.
The greatest problem is the lonliness. He will need to go home most nights to sleep with his wife. You know this and little by little it will torture you and make you cry. Unfortunately the mistress is not allowed to show jealously. You come second, always, and she is first. She also gets to spend every holiday, birthday and christmas with him. You need to make sure you arrange to keep yourself busy at these times because it really hurts to be alone and know he's nearby having fun with his family. You also need to put her first as well. He is her husband, he is doing wrong. She dosen't deserve to be hurt in this way. Never call him at home, if you see him on the street, pretend your a stranger, say hello and walk on by. Don't ever go to his house, and if he takes you out make sure it's somewhere far away. If you buy him presents make sure their very ordinary and cheap, so if she sees them he can say a friend gave it to him at work.
You've choosen a very hard path my dear. Try not to cause additional hurt by making the wife suffer. This will just make you guilty and may cause him to leave you. This woman should be a sister in your heart. You and him are hurting her, so it's your job to keep her safe. She loves him as much as you and she has no idea that he now loves somebody else as well. Further advice on your situation and how it feels to be a mistress to a married man can be found here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
Take care of you, find friends, hobbies and intrests to cope with the time when he's not with you. Blessings and big, big hugs.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 It sounds like your marriage is over. You should have the decency/courage to let your husband have his freedom. He should know the truth. The reason for all this complication is because you are allowing complications to occur. Usted esta sembrando semillas malas en la jardin de otra mujer. Eso no se hace.....
Nobody knows what the problems were in your marriage, or your lovers marriage. They are becoming more complicated though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Vow very difficult to really give you any advice;very little information to go on;
Is your husbad the father of the daughter of 15; this can have legal implications if you want to take her to another country;
Did you discuss the situation regarding the other guy's marriage? Is he filing for divorce?
To just pack up and go start in another country with a child with just a suitcase and some "promieses" is extremely risky and I think a little "foolish".
I suggest you don't do anything in a rush; take your time, speak to this guy, tell him about your fears and worries;
I suggest you get legal advise regarding your daughter and also how divorce procedings might be influenced if you move to another country;
Do your homework on all these things before you make a final desicion;
Also get this guy to sort things out on his side; the property and his marriage? you dont want to leave your marriage and he is staying married do you?
Take time and be very carefull; DON't RUSH; if need be make an appointment with a counsellor and let them help you work through your feelings, emotions and fears;
I really hope you take time; you dont want to regret your decision in the future!
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Does he have any plans on getting divorced?
I think it is a dangerous thing to move to another country and be entirely dependent on a married man. If his wife found out, you could end up homeless in the street.
What is wrong with your current marriage?
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I think your first priority is your daughter. How old is she? Is this whole scenario going to affect her in any way? I bet it would, especially if she is still young. You need to put her before any emotions you may have, it's a promise you made to her the moment she was born.
I am not going to advise you in which direction you should go because I do not know the answer. I think you should take a step back and take a look at where you are now. Is this new man as trustworthy as he sounds? Is he going to just ditch you? How will your husband react? How will his wife/family react? How are your feelings for your current husband?
This was never going to be an easy transition and you need to take this into account. Take your time, be smart, think it through.
Best of luck.
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