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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: i need help. i am a girl. and me and my girlfriend are planing to leave home after 18 , after school. we are not telling anyone . its like running away but we are legal to. everything is decided. at the end of this year we are leaving. but my mum and my sister are leaving for a different country. and dad is planning to move to the country after i finish my last year at school. now i have different plans. but im sad and crying. because i will never see my mum and sister again how can i cope with this. please help Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): What did you decide?
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (25 January 2010):
What is your residence status in NZ? Do you have citizenship or do you have permanent residence or do you have work permit dependent? Since you want to run away to remain in NZ, that means you already have permission to stay there right? So why do you fear that your father can ship you back to India if the law protects you from his authority once you turn 18? I am also from a strict culture and have lots of Indian and Pakistani friends. When I was in high school, my friend had to go to India one holiday to meet her arranged husband; we were 14 at the time. But when she turned 18 she had a white boyfriend here and didn't want to marry that guy and the state in my country can protect you if you are going to be forced into an arranged marriage in another country. Her family disowned her but couldn't do anything to force her because they would be breaking the law. She didn't speak to them for 8 years but a few years ago, she finally married an Indian guy of her choice and is back in touch with her family. Once you turn 18, you have rights and you can't be forced by your parents if you report them so why run away? If he says go to India you just refuse and tell your social services that you don't want to go because they are going to force you to get married. Imagine what your father is going to do to your mother and sister because of what you are planning to do? He can't trace your emails from an Internet cafe; you just leaving will be like them losing a child and not knowing whether you are dead or alive; whether you have been abducted or are lying in a ditch somewhere. If my daughter did this I would go and report her missing to the police. I would not give the police the note because that would make them not search. I would get her picture put up everywhere and visit every agency that searched for missing children. What I'm trying to show is that your plan won't work the way you think; in your mind your parents will read your note, just say 'oh well' and go back to their lives???
This is my suggestion; contact your local Gay and Lesbian Association. They deal with probably thousands of children in your situation. If you google local sites you can probably find their toll free number. Tell them your situation so that they can tell you what resources are available to you and what the law is regarding your specific situation. I really can imagine how unhappy you are and I hope things work out for you. Please update us in a few days when you have spoken to them. I know our local GALA has safe houses for gay teens with parents like yours. The lucky thing is that you are in a country that enforces laws to protect children and women from forces marriages and such. So I hope you get the help you need. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto angzw :
=[ i understand what you are saying. I live in Newzealand . Mum and my sis are leaving to auzz . I am an indian. you know be understanding my situation a bit more now. my parents are strict. My dad always reminds me that i am under my parents control until they die. i do not want to be bossed around when i am 30. i want my own life and my life is with my girlfriend . My dad is the type that if i leave home and keep in contact them. he will pay people to track where my emails are comming from. come and get me and my girlfriend . Hand her over to her house and literally ship me back to india. You tell me... is it best that i just leave home and dissapear from their lives . . or should i be found and scream my head off when my dad is going to ship be back to india. which would be more harder? atleast by leaving a note i will know that i wouldnt have to face them. i can not bare to kick and scream in pain.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (25 January 2010):
I seriously doubt that a school child like you has saved $5000 working part-time jobs. Who are you trying to fool? We are here to help give you advice in reality, yet you have this fantasy. Firstly, you are in Australia; nobody gets forced into marriage there. Unless you are from a different culture or something?
Secondly, when you family reads that runaway note, they are going to give up their lives and plans to find you. They will not leave the country anymore. Why can't you talk to them that you want to stay and work in the country and live with your friend. Since you are closer to your mother, you can tell her that you would like to stay and if they don't let you then you will move out. Better to threaten than actually do it.
Thirdly, get your mum or sisters email address. If you decide to runaway still, tell them in the note that you will be available on email. They will be able to write to you and maybe you can tell them on email why you ran away so that they can stop spending all their savings searching for you. I have a teenage daughter and if she ever ran away I would sell my soul to find her, no matter how old she was. In fact, I did once run away from home when I was about 18. I was already working full time but in my culture you are under your parents until you are married. I had gone out to a party and came home the next morning and my parents were mad. So I decided to leave a note to escape the shouting. My parents stopped working in order to spend all their time searching for me; and eventually a friend who I had told where I was told them how to find me. In the 2 weeks I was gone my parents had visibly aged from stress. My mother was blamed by my father for my behaviour and to this day I regret what I put them through. I just hope you at least don't think only of yourself in this and give them a way they can communicate with you like email so that they don't search for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto Angzw I have money. I work part time during school. I have saving of atleast $5000 . In bank .Haven't used it. at all. and i am not leaving alone. I am leaving with my girlfriend. She has her saving from work. I do think that we can manage. I have alot of experience in retail and i have done courses on computing while i was at school. i do believe that i can manage. to the others, my story is:me and my girlfriend's parents are strict. they do not believe in gay marriage. They are homophobic. i cannot just go study out of home and visit them. they don't even know that im gay. if i do tell them i will be married after i turn 18. right now i am 17. i am planning to leave after my last yr of school when i would be 18. i have to leave . and im here to ask help on how to cope with my sadness of my mum and sis leaving because i can only visit them in my school holidays. After my school is finished dad is planning to take me to where my mum and sis are living (auzz) . but im going to leave straight after my exams and not tell anyone but just leave a note
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): WTF? They're moving, you're finishing school and not moving- why will you not see them again? Are they threatening this? Are they trying to put pressure for you to move (w/o your GF?) with them? Help us understand...
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (23 January 2010):
Hang on.... Why are you running away? Why aren't you just moving out and getting a job like the rest of us?
Why does them moving away mean you can never see them again?
You're sounding very dramatic but not making much sense.
If they are leaving the country and you are staying, then get a job, get a place to live, and go and visit them when you can.
I really don't get what the problem is.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (23 January 2010):
Maybe explain to us, how does turning 18 make it possible for you to look after yourselves? Right now at home you have everything paid for you; when you are by yourself, you have to pay rent for your place where you will be staying. Just look in your newspaper in the columns for houses to rent/let and look at how much it costs for a small place to stay. Then look at your parents bills for electricity, water, gas etc. Now add all those bills up together with rent. Now calculate how much food you need to eat 3 times a day. Don't waste your time calculating the expensive treats and snacks and nice meals you get from your parents. Calculate just a loaf of bread and water every day because you won't be able to afford the free nice food and snacks you get at home. Add the food costs to your bill of rent and rates. Now add the cost of transport. If you think you can just easily get a job to cover all this, you are dreaming. Start looking in the job section and see how much the jobs you are qualified for are paying (sweeping, waitressing etc.). Now imagine that you will be in that job every day for 6 days a week since you are not educated to do anything else. You will get into work before sun up and only leave when its getting dark. No time for partying every night like you are imagining. Sooner or later, you realise that your sweeping job is not paying enough so what other choice will you have other than selling your body as a whore? Allowing old diseased men to slap you around and sexually abuse you for money?
I can sympathize that maybe your parents rules at home have made you feel like your only choice is to run away. That's what we all imagine but the smart ones don't do this. The first thing a smart girl does is try continue her education. Your country offers grants and loans to students so you don't have to pay for your education upfront. Start thinking of colleges or universities that you can stay in so you can be away from home. If you are not the college type, look at what courses you can do; maybe beauty therapy or something. Do all this while you are still in the comfort of your parents home. Then after you have a course, start working and slowly become independent. Even now you can get a weekend job to get a feel for what its like to be responsible. Right now you are sounding like a spoilt child living in Neverland. I have nothing to gain from telling you this.. All I encourage you to do is to start thinking with your brain.
If you decide to be dumb and do it anyway, just keep your family's email address. Although if you do go ahead and run away, they will probably no longer leave the country but will spend all their money, sell their home and spend the rest of their lives searching for their daughter using the money from the sale if their house. Their lives ruined basically.
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