A
female
age
51-59,
*ynnewan
writes:I am a 42 year old woman who was married for 14 years with 2 lovely boys. About 3 months after separating I met a man, and our relationship started off slowly, but within a year it was apparent that we both cared for each other deeply-and still do nearly 5 years later. Over the course of the 5 years, most of it has been great-we had a couple of hiccups-he had a cyber affair, and I had a drug problem to repair (still clean). We have never cohabited or have taken measures to explore what this would look like, life gets in the way. Within the last year his prospects financially look like they may be taking a drastic turn for the worse, and while I have always expressed my desire to support him in any way possible-except financially (single-mom with dead-beat dad) our relationship has come to a screeching halt and I can't see through to the other side-I don't see a clear path to move us both forward together. I feel like I am alone, I feel like I am # 4 on his list, I am not high-priority. We have discussed the idea of a trial separation, which I think could end up getting us to where we want to be, or it could back-fire. Do you have any advice as far as; how long a separation should be, should we not see other people, or should we be able to, if it happens naturally. He says I am the love of his life, but this is not what people do when they're in love? I am thinking that HE is the one who wants the break, but doesn't have the you know what to put it out there...any advice? I am LOST....
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Glad your still smiling :)But your not happy babes. There's a lot of confusion and resentment, and I think you feel your being short changed.Take a deep breath, and write it down... all the problems, the little hurts that make you mad. Then write down why your staying, why your hanging around. Maybe he's worth it, but then you got to stamp your feet, make some noise and tell him how life has to go from now on.A cheating guy, with OCD who isn't making you feel safe, who too busy making money and climbing the professional ladder to take care of you. None of that sounds attractive. But maybe he's worth it, work out the problem and find a way to fix it.Is this all about other people, do you need a ring to show them?... Or is this about you, do you feel lonely with him, but are too frightened to leave and go it alone? Why are you staying, or what makes the problems that stops you being happy? Only you know, he don't sound like he has a clue.I think you would benefit from individual counselling where you concentrate on yourself. From what your saying, there's no partnership, so start thinking what would suit your needs best. If it's him, then that's nice, if he's not it, then your life will be different. You throw your dice and see where it lands.As usual janniepeg is right, the answers are in your head, you know deep down what the right thing is to do. yeck, take a break, leave him, see the other guy, be single for a while and see how that feels. He'll probably agree to that, if it helps you see things clearly.Good luck - Make the right choice for you, and don't be worried, it will be alright. One life to live, and right now your in the position where you've got to do something.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): Thank you so much for both of your responses, I truly appreciate objective advice, so I'll try to answer both of you in this response. To: janniepeg:
Sometimes I do feel like I am in it more than him, he is consumed by his work and has worked very hard to get where he is, and is fiercely protective of that, and you are right his actions don't match his words-sometimes-other times he really goes out of his way to make me feel special, and not #4. The cyber-affair, while it did happen, is not the reason for a trial separation-we both understand why he did this-and it will bring him no closer to an honest and intimate relationship-he knows that. But, yes, at the 5 year point, it's embarrassing when people say, so where do you guys live-and then have to explain, yadayada-and then I get PISSED! and yes, then I want OUT. And yes, he is afraid that I would be snatched up in seconds, I already have a suitor breathing down my neck but I would be in no position for a real relationship, I would still feel deeply hurt and lonely for the person I actually really care about.
To Miamine:
All of these seemingly small problems have just added up over the years, to one big problem, which generally comes back to our lousy way of communicating with each other. I am a thinker, and sit on my thoughts, until I know just how they need to come out-or else they come out in rage and sloppiness. I have not made up my mind, we do see a counselor-not nearly enough-but yet this does not seem to help. His own personal problems are much more than just financial, dealing with some OCD issues too-panic, insomnia, he is just basically going through a hard time-and while I want to be there for him-I have my own shit to deal with, my problems are actually much larger. Do we have sex? Yes. Do we enjoy each other and laugh? Yes, but it is like fantasy land, I don't see a practical, clear picture of meshing our 2 families at this point-and I don't think he does either...just seems like we are wasting precious time-thanks again ladies :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 October 2013):
Screeching halt... what does that mean?You spend a lot of time filling in the details, but when it gets to the heart of the matter, your lost for words.Screeching halt??? Do you have sex? Is there romance? Do you go out? Does he make you smile.Why has the five year relationship, suddenly gone cold. If he puts you last, then what the hell does he put first. Have you talked to him, does he give you any reason that makes sense?You clearly mention his financial status. Has this changed his behaviour? Does it make you feel resentful.Right now, you sound ready to jump. But I'm not clear why, and can't understand why these seemingly small problems can't be fixed.Have you already made up your mind, and therefore don't want to explain but are just looking for some type of conformation.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 I think you were in it more than him. He was having cyber affairs, which means he's going to look for women during the trial separation. You are just hanging in there when he said you are the love of his life. More like a currency to buy time and also to stop you from looking at other men. His actions don't match his words. He has nothing to offer you but sweet words. Five years with no progression and the outcome is trial separation. I think you know what to do. You just don't want to do a clean break and then feel bad that you didn't wait.
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