A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay - I don't really even know where to start. My boyfriend and I are both in our early-mid 30s and have been together almost 3 1/2 years. Overall things have been well but we've had some rough spots here and there.Anyway, for most of our relationship he was always upfront and honest. He's never done anything to betray me or done anything to make me think he's unfaithful however I'm having some bouts of jealousy and insecurity right now. He told me a few months ago he'd made some new friends, a couple who live together and have 3 children. He also works with this man.He tried numerous times to get me to meet them but I never would. I was there when he talked to the woman on the phone one time and he referred to me as his fiance, so they do know that he has someone in his life. So, basically he's been spending quite a bit of time with these new friends without me being there. Because of work we see each other mostly on the weekends and hardly any through the week. We don't live together right now (but do plan on it) so he sees them a lot of the time when he and I can't get together. He confessed to me last night that there's been a few times where they'd been hanging out and her boyfriend would say that he's running to the store and will be right back, so my boyfriend stays in the house with the woman/and or her kids until the dude comes home. He said he'll sit there and watch tv or just talk to her and play with her kids until he comes back.He told me through general chatting between us, basically since day 1 of meeting them, how they're not an attractive couple. He told me that she is NOT his type whatsoever. He has told me people he's found attractive in the past if I asked him. So today I decided to look her up on facebook (he doesn't know this) and I'm annoyed. She looks exactly like people he's dated in the past. I'm absolutely livid right now, although I'm not really sure why. I'm feeling so insecure and jealous. He's told me, along with his friends/family, that I'm the best looking woman he's been with but I'm totally different than what he's been with. This woman looks more his "type" than I do. She's more dark/gothic like and I'm more girly girl with painted nails and high heels.I'm just feeling so heartbroken right now and don't know whether to mention this to him. If I do, he's going to sense jealousy and insecurity and he's not going to like it. He's told me this is why he hasn't been as upfront with me lately because all I do anymore is turn everything around. I keep looking at the fact that he told me the truth and that he's tried numerous times (even yesterday) to get me to meet them.I'm so jealous here lately, and not just about this woman but everybody. If he mentions a female I go nuts and he has to sit there and answer a million questions and sometimes will sugarcoat certain facts just to keep me calm. Such as, he'd added this woman to facebook (her profile, but she shares it with her old man) and then deleted her because I'm guessing he thought I'd go ballistic when I found out, even though he's tried getting me to meet them.I don't know what to do here. Some advice please!!
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acne, facebook, fiance, heartbroken, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): What everyone else said. I'd just like to add that you need to apologize. There's only so much a guy can take. Surely he's going ballistic even if he isn't showing it, and you need to sit down and admit you were wrong. Without at all saying anything about anything he's done, ONLY YOUR ACTIONS, then ask for a second chance and the opportunity to meet his friends.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Stop being silly and MEET these people. I bet you it will calm any fears you might have. What is your reason to NOT me them?
YOU are CHOOSING to see the friendship your Fiancee is having with these people as some twisted competition.
If he has done NOTHING to make you feel uncomfortable then you really need to figure out why you are so insecure and refuse in trusting him. Being with a person, be it in a relationship or marriage, doesn't mean you can't MAKE friends, spend time with others.
You ARE sabotaging your relationship with this guy. HE did NOTHING wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo apparently it did turn into something ugly. I went crazy on him last night about it, accused him of lying and he assured me the chick he'd added and deleted on facebook isn't even the same woman he's been hanging out with. It was some friend of a friend with the same first name and I took the line and ran with it. He did tell me beforehand he'd gotten a friend request from a chick, accepted it thinking it was someone else and then deleted her when he realized it wasn't. When I saw the name "amber" I went ballistic and instantly thought it was the same one. This woman's pics looks like how he described her to me but the only difference is this one has 2 young daughters. The one he hangs out with has 2 kids also, but one of them is older and the other is a couple of months old. So, I may be very wrong here.It just so happened to be a woman with the same name from the same town. He told me that he'll take me to meet them to get it cleared up but after that I could kick rocks. This is really bad.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Ok, so the woman looks like your husband's type, but is your husband her type? I think the most reasonable thing for you to do, before you get completely eaten up by jealousy is get to know this couple. You might find that you really like this woman and she is no threat at all. Don't sabotage your own relationship with unfounded assumptions. Most of us are capable of having a jealous streak at times, but if allowed to spiral out of control it can turn into something ugly.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 March 2014):
Well, first and foremost, you're definitely in the wrong, but I believe you realize that. I can't see where he's done anything wrong here except shield you from your own insecurity by telling you he's not at all attracted to her. I'm sure you're aware that he did it to avoid an unnecessary argument (or whatever happens when you get jealous).
What I'm seeing here is some major insecurity. Honestly I'm not sure what you can do about it other than seek a therapist.
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