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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of 3 months and I are not communicating our feelings at all. We went out with his friends (another couple) on Weds and when his friend and I were teasing him, it seemed to me he got defensive although he says he never does. Anyway, I didn’t say anything for the rest of the evening much. It seemed each time I tried to start a conversation with his friend’s gf, he would interrupt. I know I must have appeared really rude but there is a reason for it; I was assaulted 8 years ago by a school mate’s girlfriend and it has affected me more than I thought (boyfriend doesn’t know about this). I am bit confused as to why it is affecting me now.I have noticed that I can be myself around men if they are not with their partners but if they are with their partners I get flashbacks that girlfriends are going to attack me for supposedly flirting with their boyfriends (which I don’t do and I know it’s irrational to think I’m going to be attacked again).Well my boyfriend didn’t look at me all evening (he tells me it is because of his eye problem but he seems to look at other people ok) and didn’t speak to me all evening (which he has done before when we go out with this couple so not sure what the problem is there).When we were walking back to the car, his friends were all lovey-dovey and I wished that was me and my bf. Instead, my bf didn't walk near to me much; no holding of hands, arms around each other, etc. He has withdrawn from me physically since we had sex for the first time together a month ago (we both seem to have freaked out about this but don’t know why!) but he told me months ago before we started getting physical not to feel it is anything to do with me; it wouldn’t matter who it is he said he just wouldn’t feel like it right now. He has asked me to kiss him but then doesn’t respond and withdraws. He has had an awful lot to deal with (he always goes for the wrong type of girl and his last one treated him really badly) and I wonder if he suffering from depression as he seems so negative, quite unpleasant at times and withdrawn lately. He was the one who asked me out and did all the chasing but now he has got me (who would treat him well) he seems to be resisting. He did tell me when we got together that I would need to bear with him if he freaked out because he is not used to being treated well by girls. Now it seems the reverse is true!!!He obviously noticed I was quiet the other night and when he spoke to me in the car as being ‘the silent one’. I can’t always tell when he is joking or serious, but I think he was being harsh. When I got out of the car, I didn’t know how to be with him in front of his friends so I just said ‘thank you for a nice evening, see you again’. It was dark but I don’t think my boyfriend looked or even spoke to me (I’m guessing because he was so annoyed at me for not talking). I know I must have come across awfully badly and I am hoping to have some counselling to address this problem because this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. People think I have got something personal against them or I am being snobby when they have got me all wrong.My bf hasn’t contacted me since. I think he just thinks I was being nasty so he is having nothing to do with me. My boyfriend is a sensitive soul. I am bit disappointed that he hasn’t contacted me to see what was wrong. I am concerned we are testing each other. Neither of us need this game playing really. How do we get over this?I want to contact him but wonder if I am pandering to this bad mood if I do. If I do text him, what do I say? I don’t want it to be too heavy, but I need to touch on this problem.I would say from the way he is acting he wants to dump me but he is the one who is making plans for us in the future!!! I am so confused!!!I would welcome any views, particular from men.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 January 2007):
I don't think I really understood this whole thing, it was a bit difficult to read and make sense of unfortunately. However, I suspect that your problem can be summed up in the first line:
My boyfriend of 3 months and I are not communicating our feelings at all
There is your problems. Communication. Understanding how you feel about things. Understanding how your bf feels about things.
My advice is, start communicating. Pick up the phone, and arrange to meet face to face. If you are confused about something, it is ok to say so, to admit it to yourself and to admit it to your bf. You also mention councelling, which is great, go for it! I have councelling to improve myself and understand myself, and I love it! Bottom line is, talk about your issues and see where it goes. That is what life is all about.
Good luck.
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