A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts and uncles. My sister has told me she got some amazing advice on here, so I'm hoping you can help me too...My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. He has always been a bit selfish (with things like what films to watch etc) but it was never really with anything important so it wasn't much of a problem.Recently though, he has done some things that are so selfish they have upset me. For example, I am always asking him to do things, like go to the cinema or to go for a meal, and he almost always says he has no money. We usually end up sitting in instead (which I don't mind although it does get a bit boring now and again). However, he always finds money to go out with his friends when they ask (which is every weekend, usually more than once). Also, he has just booked up to go on his 5th guys trip this year (he's been abroad twice, to 2 music festivals and now he's going to Ibiza for the weekend). I told him I'm upset he didn't think to ask me to go somewhere, but he doesn't get why I'm upset as he said we hadn't talked about going away together so he 'didn't know I wanted to'. But why would I ask when he claims he can barely afford to go to see a film once in a while?It seems like he can find money when he wants it, but that never seems to include me. Every time I bring this up though I feel like I am acting like some sort of money grabber - which it really isn't about, it's more about the fact I feel I am his last priority.I asked him if he wants to break up because it seems to me like he doesn't care about the relationship anymore, but he got upset and said that's the last thing he wants so I'm confused as to why he'd act like this?I am very laid back, do you think I have let him away with too much so now he thinks he can do what he likes? Every time I tell him how I feel he makes it sound like I'm totally overreacting too (which I guess must be his aim) but I leave feeling like a nagging girlfriend... What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): I am the OP. First of all, thank you to everyone who has answered this, it has given me a lot to think about. To answer some of your points: first of all, I definitely always offer to pay my way. I am in no way expecting my bf to carry me when I have my own money to spend - its more about the fact he finds money when it suits him. Secondly, I know I have a lot of self esteem and assertiveness issues which I'm sure have contributed to this. Someone said 'I have no idea how to get my needs met' and I think that pretty much sums it up - I have always been a bit of a people pleaser (and I agree with the pushover part too) and I am going to have to find a way to start standing up for what I want more. Thanks again everyone :)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 When you and B/F are going along nicely... do you and he "go Dutch" (split expenses) some of the time? OR, do you "let" him pick up ALL the expenses of your dating?
If the former.... then the "answer" to your query is that he is a cheap SOB and not worth your time...
If the latter... then you are learning that guys are NOT sources for all your entertainment.... that is, we should NOT be expected to pay for EVERYTHING that goes on between us and our lady friends.... After a while (not necessarily a very long "while") we begin to feel that we are NOT in a "balanced" "relationship"... but that you (girls) are USING US as your pocketbooks....
So.... there are TWO "answers".... YOU decide which applies to you and your B/F.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): "I am very laid back, do you think I have let him away with too much so now he thinks he can do what he likes?"
Yes and no OP. I think you've let him get lazy, too dominant and too relaxed so he doesn't make any effort with you because he doesn't have to, you're not really going to do anything other than moan about it really, no offence. All you do is complain about things after he's planned them with his friends and then moan about not being taken to the cinema after agreeing to stay in and watch a movie with him instead.
You've basically let a poor dynamic build in this relationship where you cave too easily at the time of the incident and then moan about it afterwards.
OP you obviously want some quality time with him, to have some actual dates and be treated to some nice times, and that's a very reasonable request, it's something that should never stop in relationships. But what are the negative consequences for him not doing that? Nothing from what I've seen, you'll just cave in and stay in and watch a movie because he "has no money" because he spent it all on his friends at the weekend or on holidays. OP I honestly don't think he's being an asshole here, I think he just takes for granted that nothing is going to happen, you're not going anywhere, nothing bad happens when he doesn't do things for you, you still call up and you still stay in with him. You've let this relationship be dictated on his terms, you let him pick the movies, you let him dictate the way things should go and now you're still wondering why he thinks that's okay.
You know there's a very thin line between "very laid back" and "pushover", I think you've crossed that line and you have needs here and don't know how to have them met. Why would he be considerate of your feelings when he knows he doesn't have to be? He gets what he wants and you've let that be the case for 3 years.
You need to grow a backbone OP and you need to start acting and not talking. You ask him to go to the movies and he says no money, then call up some of your friends and ask them if they'd like to go instead, if he suggests staying in, say no thanks babe I want to head to cinema I'll talk to you tomorrow or something.
As for the holidays thing OP why don't you organize a holiday for the two of you? After three years I think you'd know by now that he has this tradition with his friends and you've gone along with it all this time. Why not start to take the reigns a bit?
Most of all though OP if you want to break bad habits in a relationship, and as sexist as this sounds you have to retrain him, using a reward/punishment system. It works for dogs, kids and it works in relationships too.
You want to go to the cinema, he either comes with you that night or he doesn't see you that night, simple. You won't call over afterwards as you see no point.
Start making it so that if he wants to see you he's going to have to spend time, money and effort seeing you. No meal? Fair enough talk to you tomorrow, I'll cook at home tonight then instead. You want to pick a movie then pick that movie and say you want to watch that, if he's says no, then say it's either this or no movie. If he complains then tell him that's what you want and you'll go home on your own and watch it instead if he's so against seeing it.
3 years OP, "telling him" doesn't mean shit to him, does it? You've tried and tried to the point where you even had to ask him if he's even bothered being with you anymore. He probably does want to be with you OP but he knows he doesn't have to work at keeping you. Time to change that dynamic. Not all at once, not in an ultimatum "I will only see you when you take me out" but start introducing that into things as a factor. the reward is he gets to spend time with you, the punishment is that you'll find someone else to go do things with instead. Start spending more time doing fun things with your friends, going out and doing things, and stop being his cheap thrill because that's what you are. He spends all his money on his quality time with his friends and then gets to have his version of fun and sexy times with you when he's broke because that's the dynamic you've built.
Talk is cheap OP and if after three years he won't listen to you then it's time to start fixing the dynamic. Give him a reason to start making and effort, show him that you're drifting apart from either over this, not just tell him, and he may well buck up his ideas and work not to lose you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 September 2012):
 Hi
Speaking as another laidback person,its easy to say 'yea ok,we'll stop in".Your bloke needs to learn, actually its not ok.Fine he goes away but when he's pleading poverty to you its not fine.
Your not nagging, just telling him how you feel which is called communicating.You need to TELL him you want to go out more,have weekends away with him.If your willing to pay your share I dont see a problem.
Also if you don't already,make plans to go places with your friends without him sometimes,weekends away or nights out too. It is allowed!
But first,suggest booking something with him,for next year, see how he reacts.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 September 2012):
 I suspect that for a long time now you have been way too accommodating.
He needs to show more interest and more respect towards you and consult with you.
Three years together and he is treating you are not much more special than FWB.
And maybe you need to encourage you and support you to improve your own self esteem so that he stops taking your for granted:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
I think he needs a wake up call. Stay loyal to him while you do it.
Do NOT let him claim you are nagging You are NOT Nagging. All you are trying to put in place are some respectful standards.
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