A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have had many problems in our marriage, we have been married 30 years, and the past 15 years, we have not had sex. I got tired of being turned down, so I let it go. Due to recent things that have happened in my life, I told him I could not live this way anymore. He then surprised me and said that he didn't love me, and that we had rushed into our marriage. He broke my heart, because deep down I thought he loved me and we had just pushed the sexual feelings aside.I decided to try and get my husband interested in me and in sex again. At my age, I found myself in a sex store. I bought some sex toys and a sex video to try and get him interested in sex. Nothing I did turned him on. I then started asking him questions and he admitted that he masturbates while thinking of other women.There I was trying to get him interested in sex, and he had been pleasuring himself all these years. By the way, we have separate bedrooms because I was tired of laying there at night with my husband as far over to his side of the King size bed as possible. Tired of being turned down, it just hurt too much. Last night after midnight, I took a bubble bath and put on a new sexy nighty and thongs. I went to his room and got in bed with him. I did oral sex on him. It took awhile for him to climax, meanwhile, he didnt even try to satisfy me. I am a little over weight, but I have had many people tell me I look young and sexy for my age.I have considered divorce, but I am disabled due to back problems. There is no way I could live on my SSDI check, plus I love my home. I am just so tired of being so lonely, and feeling so undesirable. He is a good man in many ways. He helps alot around the house and never complains about it. He is a good father to our daughter and grandbaby that live with us. He is just not interested in me. Any advice? I need help.
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I put this question on my 'watch' list to see what answers you received. It is a very sad question, but as I get older this situation seems to become more common.
30 years is a really long time. I imagine that both you and your husband have become used to each other, put up with each other, and fail to be surprised by each other after all these years. And therein lies the problem. You have both become so used to each others routines that you have forgotten or cant be bothered to be romantic. Not after all those years, right?.
Well you should re-read HoneyGirls answer. Coomunication, time, and effort on both sides is what is required.
It is almost a life changing effort required, and the effort is only worth it if you both decide the marriage is worth saving.
One of the most important factors to remember is that the bedroom is only for sex and sleeping. Do not take the fight into the bedroom. Tackle all the sexual issues in the kitchen, the supermarket, while out in the car, or even if you go out socially for the evening. Try to be gentle with him, dont just quiz him, get him on your side. You need to know what he wants you to be, but from HIS point of view. Expect some disturbing answers, if he feels comfortable enough to answer at all. The sexy clothes, the toys, the video was not what he wanted, or expected of you. (Sounds pretty good to me!). So gently find out what he would like.
You both have to court each other a little. At the moment, every time you touch him (which is usually in the bedroom yes?), he thinks, and rightly so, that you want sex. So you must be touchy and intimate at times when you dont want sex. Thank him for helping around the house, and for being a good husband by hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. Be touchy and intimate just before you go to bed, then say goodnight. Four or five weeks or however long it takes of 'romance' and he will come to you, because he will be wanting to have sex on his terms.
Communication, time, and effort.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I don't know how we could have let this go so long. Just so many problems, and like I said, I was hurt because I had talked to him many times about the sex situation. It didn't do any good, and I was too hurt to keep trying and being rejected.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 It sounds like there is a huge issue of no communication and misunderstanding in your marriage.....
How on earth could you have let this issue go on for 15 years???? You say that you found he masturbates - did you not masterbate at all during the 15 years??
You husband sounds hurt that he has been pushed aside, you sound hurt that your husband shows no interest in you... vicious cycle..
I suggest that you both get into a counsellng programme immediately - you both need to decide whether you want to continue with the marriage or end it, and if you want to continue with the marriage it is going to take co-operation from both of you into making things work again.
I realise your husband said that he didnt love you, I think this is his way of coping with the situation, he does love you I am sure, if he didnt surely he would have left a long time ago. Also he probably wouldnt have been so nice and helpful around the house.
There is hope for your marriage, but it will take time and work and you both have to be committed.
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