A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I understand men glance, and I understand men look at attractive women. If the woman is extremely attractive or if she is scantily clad, I understand men will probably want to look a little longer. So, what I am wondering is if my boyfriend watches porn, somewhat regularly. He has gone far beyond just looking. He has stared and stared at an attractive woman, he has gotten giddy and excited over other women, and he has shown such a lack of impulse control. I've watched him undressing another woman with his eyes. He likes the thrill of making eye contact with another woman, basically flirting. He did all of this sort of ogling/flirting when I was right by his side. (I actually think he only exhibited this behavior when with me, that way he did not have to experience rejection. He's terrified of rejection.) One time, he pointed to the caricature of a georgeous blond woman on a book cover (Georgeously Green), and then pointed to his private part. Admittedly, I didn't like that incident, but at least the woman wasn't real, like all the other women he got excited over in public. He has forced himself to stop the ogling. So, it is more comfortable in public now, but I still suffer from a little PST (post traumatic stress), and wonder if he has permanently stopped the behavior. Our relationship could be a really good one, but something just seems amiss. I guess what may be amiss is that it seems there is some sort of distance between us, a lack of emotional/mental intimacy. I wonder if men who view porn don't know how to be intimate.So, I'm just trying to figure out, with the pervasiveness of porn (on the internet and on TV), how can a single man not be a frequent porn patron (or even a lot of married men, when their wives aren't looking)? Do frequent users of porn exhibit the above 'ogling' behavior, and what other behaviors would a porn user exhibit?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 No.. no evidence that pornography causes you to start ogling or flirting with other women. Porn users exhibit the behaviour of normal people, because the majority of men and a large percentage of women do watch pornography in privacy. Your neighbour next door, your lady school teacher, the priest who you take communion with, the postman, the president.... all these and more are people who watch porn.
Porn has nothing to do with someone ogling women. That's bad manners, and your boyfriend would do that even if he had a hatred of porn. Men who never look at pornography can have affairs with your best friend. It isn't the pornography that makes them do that.
Your looking in the wrong place for explanations for your boyfriends bad behaviour. It has nothing to do with pornography, your boyfriend is a jerk who doesn't have much respect for women.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): No porn isn't doing this to your guy. He has mental issues and he can exhibits them right in front of you. How you see this as a healthy loving relationship is the amiss part. Unless you two have an open relationship you need to prepared for his infidelity. How do you feel his love coming your way. I'm picturing him checking out women right beside you and I'm think what a weak individual you must be to have this man walk all over you. How do you feel knowing you're not enough woman for this man? Stop making excuses for him (not all men disrespect their partner as yours do to you) your guy has an addiction problem an it sex. Either go along with his fantasy or gather some courage and self-respect and find a man that can love you. I am trying to picture him staring at women right beside you yet you see nothing wrong. That what men do! Wrong that's what your guy does. Find a man that cares.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 October 2010):
 I've heard comments from ex-users (very rarely do people who are slowly inching that direction actually realize it's happening) to that extent, that people who watch oodles of porn find themselves staring at and dissecting by body part in real life way more than would be normal, but it's unlikely you'd get a response if you tried to connect the two to someone who's doing it. If you got an unreasonably angry response, it would be an indication he realizes something it amiss (it's called emotional dissonance, and is the reason so many get so angry over porn arguments). In my personal experience the guys who stare, make inappropriate comments, and check out girls to the point where they literally walk into things and are incapable of having conversations at times have ALWAYS been porn users, while the guys I know who either don't look or look less frequently tend to check out women in a more "normal" fashion. I mean everyone checks out other people occasionally. But making rude comments and making eye contact with women and staring is way out of bounds. It sounds like he's flat out being a jerk, porn or not.
You mention a lack of intimacy, and many of the women I interviewed for my article (on porn and relationships) mention this. Some say it's such a dramatic shift in the lack of intimacy that they can tell if he's watched porn that day.That it feels like his mind is elsewhere during sex, and that the romance, especially during sex, has been drained. You need to talk to him about how you feel about the issue. If you feel like it's negatively affecting your relationship, you need to tell him that. Some women will tolerate porn use, but it would seem pretty intolerable if it started leaking out into other aspects of the relationship. Try talking with him about it in a non-confrontational way (and if he tries to blow up about it don't let him. Maybe walk away or something until he calms down) and see if you can reach some kind of compromise. If he won't talk about it, then you may want to seek counseling together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Hi there!
Ive seen porn def and Id like to consider myself a passionate guy and thus know how to be intimate. For me, this stops tho when I have a lady as she'll deserve all that attention always, no questions. I often do "ogle" women but Im one of those guys who ogles and instead of walking up to a woman and slappin her on the ass, i'll instead pick up her tampon wrapper she dropped and say "excuse me miss, you dropped this". I often do undress but my approach doesnt say that, instead I ease my way in to a convo, not to mislead or to deceive mind you, but use the attraction sort of as to think "okay, what else does she have?" Hope this helps a bit.
I think your BF may have a social disorder as he only watches kind of in a creepy way too it sounds. Thats not normal, unless hes very immature and doest know how to handle the attractions of a woman.
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