A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok here is the problem (I will try and give as much information as possible).I always become judgemental or jealous (or both) of my girlfriends pasts. It has happened with my last 3 girlfriends, especially the last 2.I start of ok but then I start getting upset about things like.....1. How many people they have slept/been sexual with before me?2. How many people they have slept with the 1st time they met them?3. Have they been intimate with 2 or more people in a short space of time?4. Have they ever had a threesome, foursome etc?5. Did they want a relationship with past sleeping partners or was it just no strings fun?6. When did they lose their virginity?I even start asking hypothetical questions like, Would you of ever had a threesome with 2 guys?How high would you have let your number get?I feel I should mention that my last girlfriends past was not bad at all, better than most people I would say. She had a lower than average number, she had never had a threesome or foursome or anything like that, always wanted a relationship with those she slept with and didn’t lose her virginity to 19. But yet I still got insanely jealous/judgemental about her past, and would continuously ask her questions about it until she finally had enough and left me. The same happened with my girlfriend before that, but her past was a little less respectable, so I thought the problem was just her. But now it has happened with my last girlfriend, whose past is a lot more respectable, I think the problem might lie with me. I sometimes think I will only be happy with a virgin who has never been touched by a guy in order to curb my jealously and judgementality, but even then it might not.So 2 questions really.....1. Why am I like this? And,2. What can I do to stop being like this?
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her past, jealous, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much serentiy80 and tisha_1 for your help. I will try that website serenity, and thank you for the link tisha, some very useful info. It helps to know Im not the only one with this here, and maybe it is a form of OCD. Again some great help here, Im very grateful because I really dont want this to consume my life in the future. Thx.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I started a thread on this that has some good info and links to other posts that might be helpful to you. I think an aunt here called "Yos" has had personal success in coping with this and has some great advice on the topic. I would encourage you to read his posts on the topic. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
I would say that as you have experience yourself, and acknowledge that the women you date have experience, that it becomes your obsessive thoughts over their past encounters that is causing your problem. I think Yos has suggested that this is a form of OCD and problems along this line can be successfully treated using therapies designed for OCD.
Good luck to you as you work to build and nurture a healthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): You feel like this because you are normal and healthy.
Our culture is in denial about what is "normal" for males.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you form your reply. One other thing I feel I should note, is that I had slept with more people than my last girlfriend, and overall I was more experienced than her. So when I say jealous, its not that I think Im jealous of her. Its more that Im jealous of her ex's, that they have been there before me.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (3 May 2011):
No guy wants to settle down with a girl who they think is a "slut" and there is nothing wrong with finding someone who has similar morals and values to yourself.. however... what you're doing is taking it all way too far.
I think you're gonna need to see a relationship therapist to get to the bottom of why you are so insecure. Have you looked at the "relate" charity website? Sounds like this would be your best bet. It's supposed to be a very successful kind of therapy, and I bet you'll get to understand your behaviour and reasons for it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Jealousy does not help any relationship It is not good for you and not good for your partner.When you are jealous you see threats that are not there. You are consumed with negativity. It serves no purpose and does not enhance any aspect of a relationship. Jealously is hurtful.
It is born of insecurity. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, more successful than you. There is the fear that you are not 'good enough'or that you might miss out on something, or lose something, so you try to mask it by
So if being jealous is so destructive how can you stop doing it? You need to get in better touch with your own feelings, especially those deep down insecure feelings and motivations that drive your jealously.
You have heard the expression 'it's all good'?
Well jealously is 'all bad and all negative'
Face the emotion, don't try to turn away from it.
But do it in private away from others. Because getting jealous is a really ugly nasty emotion.
So I want you to feel overload.
Go on the internet and look at seriously expensive very expensive homes. You know the 50 million dollar homes, the 100 million dollar homes. You know what? There is a 50 per cent chance, at least, that you will never ever own one of those. Think how that makes you feel. Sick to your stomach I bet.
Now look at cars. go for nothing under 900,000 dollards. You know what? There is a 25 percent chance that right this moment you cannot just write a check today to pay cash for one of those cars. Squirm and feel the envy come up from the pit of your stomach.
Do this exercise with anything you truly crave. Be it a happy marriage without fights. Freedom to not work and travel the world in your own 300 foot long yacht. That's not going to happen either, at least not next week
Your ego might like these things, but they are not going to happen, at least not this week. You can make yourself sick worrying about losing your girl friend. I mean there are guys out there who might even be a better match than your for the girl friend you have today. But you know what? She chose you, she's OK with you. But you are worried that she will wake up and see someone better. You are not helping when you do this. So focus on all the feelings of losting your girl friend.
You'll lose face. People might laugh behind your back. But if you work on getting in touch with how irrational all your feelings about jealously are then you can start mastering it.
You are not a dumb man. You are articulate and smart so you can work through your emotions and try to recognise the 'triggers' that set you off. And start the spiral down when your "jealousy genie" gets out of the jealously bottle.
You need to learn to love yourself just as you are. warts and all. So what if you still need to visit the gym more often? You can address that. But wasting your times being jealous will not get you fitter.
Learn to love your best attributes. For you have many. Don't focus on what you are not. But instead who you are now and what gifts and skills you have now.
There are guys out there who would so love to have those skills and gifts. value yourself. You are not perfect, but you are uniquely you. Treasure you.
Don't look back. So what if you messed up in the school play and that other dude was so good the audience applauded him. Who knows he may now be doing a job you would hate. Try to look forward to the good things ahead, not the things in the past that might have been, if only. Total waste of time and effort.
If you value your time then you will realise you are too busy to be jealous. As it consume too much effort.
Jealously is not healthy for you. Nor for your relationships. You like living a healthy lifestyle? good, then cut the tendency to view everything through your jealously prism. Because it is distorting the truth.
Distract yourself. Because jealousy is so primitive it is also very basic. So go back to basics. When and where in your childhood did you ever start to feel jealousy. A sibling getting more than you? A guy more popular than you or driving a better car than you. If you added up all the times you did this you will see that you have wasted hours of your time on jealousy.
So go doing something different. Something fun. Distract yourself just as a mother will distract a toddler having a tantrum. Because it is crying over nothing. Making a fuss that does not need to exist.
Learn abseiling. You need to trust when you do that. Learn to let go. Let others take the lead rather than you sometimes.
Being jealous will eat away at your dreams, because you will not be reaching goals. Because you are too consumed with being jealous. So it is unproductive.
Good luck with all this
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