A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need big help...I'm in a wonderful married relationship with my wife of almost 2 years. I have always thought i was completely gay, but on at least 3 times in the past (the last time being my wife) i have fallen head over heels in love with women. I have great sex with my wife when i don't think about gay sex but sometimes i get to surfing for gay porn and then go out to find gay encounters. It is destroying my life. It is affecting my work and I am a very sad person. What can I do? I don't want to tell my wife - she is the most wonderful person in the world and it will crush her. I know i should be able to tell her anything but i wouldn't be able to hurt her that much. I love her so much, i sometimes feel i can't live without her. We have the best relationship ever and i would do anything for her and I know she would too. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. I know she loves me with all her heart. This is eating me up big time and I know i can be so much of a better person alround if i don't have this big secret to carry. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): If she is an open minded person she will understand. I remember when my husband and i first talked about this. I was thankfull to him for being able to open up to me and realy i was extreamly turned on by it. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): I to have homosexual tendencies and it is killing me, But the way I look at it is that my wife can not fullfill my needs and I do not consider it cheating because it is with the same sex..I would never cheat on my wife with another women that would be cheating..
Maybe you should ask her to put on a strap on? she may be ok with it and then you would be good to go!!\
Good Luck!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): My husband also has homosexual tendencies. He has had gay encounters in the past but since we have been together and he has told me the stories about his past, he also let me know that he still has the urge to have a gay fling. He also feels very strongly against cheating. We have an agreement that when he has the urge to have a gay encounter, I use a strap on to help fullfill that urge. In this way we are taking care of two problems at once. He gets what he is urging for and at the sametime it is with me and he doesn't have to cheat. Maybe this is a possibility you both could explore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I am in nearly the same position as you. I have always had homosexual tendencies, but I love my wife very much. Recently, a guy that I had an affair with 21 years ago came back into my life and wanted to have a downlow relationship with me. I was just blown away by this guy again, just like during our brief affair(which I confessed to my wife 21 years ago). However, I couldn't be deceptive to my wife, so I had to deal with this. I'm briefly summarizing a whole lot of crap here just to try to tell you you are not alone. This time, I decided to fully "come out", I moved to a different state, and I told my wife I would need at least a year to try to figure things out. She was totally devastated, my relatives often disowned me, her parents hate me, and the pain has been unbelievable. I am now thinking that it is good that I "went for broke" in terms of being who I really am, but I still feel that it would have been better to be on the downlow and just keep everyone happy (my wife and I may get back together because I know that regardless of the sexual part, she is my soul mate---but this hasn't been finalized at this point). As for the person that told you it was just like making a decision between a blonde and brunette, I think that is just like the totally naive belief that any straight person would have. Most guys get to have experiences with lots of other types of women before they make a committment to be with only one woman. Whereas gay men have to repress who they are throughout their lives because of society's disrepectful attitude and punitive nature. It then makes it difficult to make a "fully informed" committment to one woman because you always have to deal with this question: If it had been as acceptable to be gay as it was to be straight, would I have ever married a woman in the first place??? I'm not trying to just make excuses, because I still haven't figured all of this out myself, but I don't think straight people can give you any relevant advice because they can't possibly appreciate where you are. However, my advice for you is to let your wife know that at least you are having a great deal of conflict over this issue. As tempted as I am to advise you to just cheat and minimize everyone's pain in the situation, I currently believe that such dishonesty might catch up with you anyway, even if you are the only person who ever knows about it. Obviously, you are already experiencing some guilt over this, and that shows that you really are a decent person and you really care for your wife and the quality of your relationship. Blah, blah, blah.... I guess I could go on about this forever, but I hope you get the point even if no one else gets it. I understand EXACTLY where you are. If you want to communicate with me directly about this, I will be glad to try to arrange that, although as I said, I still don't have all of this figured out for myself. But God bless you for trying to do the right thing... I know that is what is motivating you at this point. Best of luck. Hang in there!!
Love,
Johnny
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): You need to tell her, I know that if it was me I would want to know. It's not right to do things like that behind her back. She most likely loves you as much as you "say" you love her and deserves more respect than that. Sit her down and tell her so that she knows what is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind advice. I know I have reached a point where i need to do something. Letting people like yourselves know what's going on is the first step I think. I have never told anyone before. I was expecting to get answers like - 'You're Gay - Deal with it' But it's not so simple! If i were gay then i could deal with that. But as i said, i am in love with my wife and nothing has ever compared to the feelings I have when i am in love with a woman. It's nice to be loved and to love. I have always suffered from very low self esteem. I think that is because the only parent i looked up to and loved with all my heart (my mother) didn't like herself very much. I think that I have these 'encounters' because they make me feel bad about myself and this is something i am accustomed to. I know i need help, i have always needed help, but i thought i could sort things out myself without getting anyone else involved. My wife knows all these things but I think i will scare her if i really tell her how bad i feel about myself. I don't think anyone can fully understand the dark side of me that i carry. On the surface I am the most loved person - always smiling and happy, but really I couldn't care less about myself. It's hard work to maintain this. The thing is, when i am with her, it's the closest thing to me being happy and I enjoy that a lot. I struggle a lot when she is away and I'm by myself and that's when i tend to to go out and find gay sex. It feels weird when I am alone and not doing something bad (like smoking cigarettes – another thing she doesn’t know that I do!, looking at gay porn, and ultimately meeting guys for sex)I know i need to find peace with myself - I need to function like a normal human being when i am alone - something that I yearn for!!Again thank you for your comments - The struggle continues!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I firstly wish to commend you for realizing that this is a problem, which needs to be addressed in your life.It is also something which needs handling with care and professionalisum. You know what you are doing is wrong in respect to cheating, and as others have said there is no difference in the deception when it comes to the choices you are making. Unfortunately you have also made a choice, without her being aware, for your wife. This will clearly be something quite devastating to her, when she finds out. You need to get some help. I would suggest that you need to get some couselling on your emotionally and sexual difficulties. The issue is not whether you are gay, straight or bi, it is whether your preference or desires are open, up front and acknowledged, by you firstly and your wife. I have heard and experianced a few people, both male and female who, later in life, after marriage, descover they can no longer deny their sexuality. The thing is that it won't go away and you need to work out what you can be happy with in your life. Your wife has the right to that decision too. Equally it is not something you can drop in her lap. I really, strongly feel the way you handle this is critical and will effect the outcome, but it has to be done. Please, get to talk to someone who can guide you through the process so both you and your wife can have the best support and advice about how to continue and live a fulfilling life. You deserve to be living a true existance and so do the people you love. If she cannot handle it, you need to respect that and understand that it would be extremely difficult to handle.This does not at all, excuse you from being unfaithful and betraying her in anyway. That is just wrong and self centered, irrispective of your desires! Stop it.All the best and as early stated. Thank goodness you know this is something you need to handle, sooner rather than later. Stop cheating and deal with it before it becomes a monster, if it is not already!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): Well,what about ""Brokeback Mountain "" . I think its a good dilemma ,if it is the same, as go out and get a brunet,when desired. But somehow it isn't the same. It is coming from a very different emotional background, The man who goes out to find a sexy brunet is socially more excepted than the man who struggles with gayness. It s like you don't want to go with your instincts, but the instinct is instinct. There are so many gay people who doesn't want to come out from a closet, and make bad choices,like get married to the opposite sex.
I guess, he is telling the truth, that is very painful. I wish if you can find peace,and love. Good luck!
I not gay ,just have compassion for others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I agree with the point made about cheating is cheating - you need to take this on board. Unless you are open about being bi-sexual with your wife and she is in agreement with you fulfilling your needs in this way then you are cheating on her. She deserves honesty from you and I think you are mature enough to at least tell her where you are at. It is for you both to decide what happens next. Give her the opportunity to know what is happening - I hate to think what she would do if she found out about your other life through some other means - you talk about her being crushed? The lies will crush her and destroy her. The truth will hurt her but she can deal with the truth coming from YOU. Don't let her find out the hard way. Either that or stop what you are doing and decide that you will remain faithful to your marriage.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 There is no difference between cheating on your wife with a woman or cheating on your wife with a man. The vow simply says forsaking All others. What if a straight guy who is married to a blonde decides he has "brunette tendencies" and needs to occasionally go out and screw one?! You simply are cheating on your wife. She deserves this information although she obviously didn't deserve to be cheated on. You need to tell her and let her decide what she wants to do about it.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Hooweee! This is a tough one. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, and I hope that you can get the help you need to help you and your wife with this situation.
First of all, you said that you are gay; if so, why did you get married? You don't have a choice in your sexual orientation, but you do have responsibility for your behavior. You are cheating on your wife; whether it's with men or with women is irrelevant. Are you lying to her too? Being gay is not inherently a bad thing, but cheating and lying I think are...
Second, you need to get support for yourself and your wife as you face this very real dilemma. Obviously, you love her and want her to be happy, and she no doubt would want the same for you. It sounds like you are in a very bad place in your life.
Third, any sexual encounters you have outside the marriage carry the very real risk of sexually transmitted diseases. It is not fair to your wife to expose her to this kind of issue without her knowledge. One of my good friends is a GP specializing in treating HIV. He has far too many stories of men unknowingly infecting their partners--so many heartbreaking stories of women who suddenly through no fault of their own wind up with HIV.
I don't have much advice for you, other than to steer you to getting some support as soon as possible. I would also advise that you stop sexual encounters outside the marriage until your wife is fully able to choose what she wants.
Here are some websites which might be of help to you.
www.straightspouse.org/internet.shtml#GAY
www.gaymarriedmen.co.uk/index.htm (this group is based in Manchester, UK)
Here is a website for your wife:
www.voy.com/86426/
Please do get help and don't do anything which would endanger you or your wife.
All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I am married to the most wonderful man ever and I am bisexual so I often feel the need for women. I am lucky as my husband and I have been together for so very long I was able to discuss with him openly and freely.
People thing bisexuality is about greed or not choosing but it isnt - it isnt even so much sexual as people belief. Lying in a man's arm feels different to lying in a woman's arms...but both very nice in different ways...both I feel I need.
I too struggle alot with my sexuality and it makes me very depressed. I wish I could be just straight or just les as it is very difficult.
Does your wife know about your experiences before? If she does then perhaps you can talk to her about your feelings and how your sexuality upsets you and makes you feel. Good luck
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