A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my guy for five years. He refuses to agree to have a monogamous relationship but says that I am the only one. I have knowledge that he has cheated several time. He wont say that he loves me but wont say that he dosent. Our lives are so intertwined that I dont know what to do without him. He spends every major holiday with me and my family and friends (with the exception of his birthday this year in which he wont say where he was) He wont call me for days at a time and does not show up when he says he will. I am so in love with this guy. By everyones standards I am beautiful and intelligent(I have no shortage of guys trying to date me) But I rarely give them a chance because I am scared of upsetting him . I fell in love with a player who seems not to really care about me and I dont know how to leave. Everytime I bring up committment he gets mad or changes the subject. I am 32 years old and dont want to waste my life away but I dont know how to leave him. It dosent help when people keep reminding me how handsome and successful he is and what does that matter if he dosent treat me good? I am so embarressed to be in this situation...HELP!!!Ok people...before you answer this question, please know that I already have a pretty good idea! Its just good to get some new objective anwsers other than friends and family.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for taking the time and patience to respond I truly appreciate your input! This has been very helpful and insightful for me. I never could have imagined that I would ever be blogging for relationship advice and if you knew me you would be shocked.
Problem is...I dont know myself anymore and I need to get back to caring for myself the way that I have cared for this man. Once the facts have been presented I realize that I am no longer a victim but a willing participant. I dont want to participate anymore!
Thanks again everyone, you never know what impact your words may have on changing someones life for the better :)
A
male
reader, Male20 +, writes (2 December 2009):
hey,
been a player it sounds like he is doing it well.
my view on it is this..
1) you are so attracted to him because of the way he presents himself through his actions etc.. he is demonstrating characteristics of an alpha male. He is showing you that he can be happy with or without you in his life.
This keeps you guessing and constantly pining for him to show you all his attention.
To a certain extent it is true that nice guys finish last, those boyfriends who will run to the other side of the earth for their girlfriends finish rock bottom. Its about keeping a balance though to maintain a healthy relationship.
It doesnt sound like a true relationship to be honest, there is no giving but a whole lot of taking from his part. If he doesnt want to commit and you do.. then you need to find someone willing to compromise so you are both happy.
Once a cheat always a cheat, especially if you have proved to him that you will take him back. He will be consiously aware now of the strong feelings you have for him and will abuse them to his advantage.
Throw a spanner in the works to upset his player-like attitude.
Coming from a male perspective i would...
understand he feels comfortable sooo... disrupt this comfort.
When he calls, dont answer a few times, or ring him back. When you do speak to him act normal, dont reassure him by asking to meet etc etc etc. Dont tease him by saying this guy said he wants to date you or whatever just act happy.
Become less available to him. eventually if he is bothered about you he wil decide he wants to speak to you all the time, he will commit because you have made him realise that he isnt your world.
You need to be short when he rings, be sure that you are the one to end the conversation and do things that make you happy in your life!
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A
female
reader, bitch  +, writes (2 December 2009):
As painful and hard as it might be, you need to let this guy go. You deserve better and can get better. There are plenty of men who would be very faithful to you and love you and ONLY YOU. Why not make yourself available to somebody who will love you? It will be hard at first, but worth it in the long run sweetie. Just end this relationship. You totally deserve better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): I understand that it is difficult when you are in love with someone. He knows he can get away with his behaviour, so he'll continue to string you along as long as you're willing to follow.
We are also often more intrigued by something we don't have completely, and we become more and more obsessed by it. So, the feelings of love you have for him might only have increased because of his behaviour. Moreover, by treating you this way he has probably sapped a lot of your inner energy, which makes it even more difficult to break up with him, even though deep inside you know you will probably be much happier after a while when you leave him).
See it as a sudden death. Suppose he dies, you'd mourn and have a lot of grief, but after some time, you'd recover and start all over again.
The person you love doesn't really exist, cause you don't know who he actually is and how much he hides from you. Let this fantasy image of him die in your mind, mourn, cry, and then pick yourself back up with your head held high.
Wishing you all the best.
You might like the following books:
Susan Forward: "When your lover is a liar"
susan Forward: "Men who hate women and the women who love them"
They're very insightful.
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