A
male
age
41-50,
*orontoGuy
writes:Dealing with a long distance relationship that has a become a lot less affectionate and expressive is very hard for me. After a few months of amazing happiness my girlfriend has changed. She is very busy with work, grade school on weekends and tons of other things in her life. Ive come to accept that she needs a lot of space for the time being. Just how much space though...how much is too much? What makes it hardest though is her complete change from being loving, expressive and open to suddenly being indifferent and distant. This has made me question her desire for a serious relationship. Its causing me A LOT of anxiety and making me depressed.She doesnt like to discuss serious issues or be intimate they way we used to. Its been a month without her saying "I love you" or wanting to talk about sex. We dont talk, email or text each other to say those nice things that make you feeling important and connected in someone's life. I keep wanting to bring this up, but she is stressed with grad school and keeps puting off talking to me. Im trying not to take it personally, but I just feel I have little place in her life these days. I keep thinking that she has no strength or desire to invest anything emotionally into this. I dont want our relationship to be something she needs to tender to reassure me all the time, but once in a while its nice to know how she feels about us. She sometimes opens up a bit and then for days later she shuts right down again. I want to be there for her and support her, but I also want to feel needed, appreciated, loved and connected when we cant be together for weeks at a time. Am I making too much of her emotional distance? Its never a good time for me to bring up my concerns. I keep waiting for her to want to talk about us and the fact that she never does makes me wonder if it is at all important to her. The last time I brought this up (a month ago) she got frustrated and didnt want to talk about it. I think we are both at a point in our lives where neither of us want to waste each others time. How can I get her to talk? Do I have a legitimate concern? Please send advice...
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male
reader, TorontoGuy +, writes (13 March 2007):
TorontoGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my girlfriend where I stand in her busy life and she said that she still cares for me and wants to continue this relationship. She said she wanted to slow it down in terms of talking about future plans which is fine. My main concern is our lack of emotional communication - in which she responded that she thinks im "needy". I dissagree and I think in a serious relationship its normal to want to hear things from time to time and to be with that person. Especially since we only see each other once every few weeks and that we havent been communicating as much lately. She is going through a depression and she said that when we met she was feeling happy and satisfied with her life, but now she isnt. Its hard not to take it personally and i wish i could help her be happy, but i know im not the answer. I dont want to be part of the problem and i dont want her to look upon "us" as a challenge or another thing she needs to juggle in her life. She takes on SO much and has little time or energy left. I tried to get her to tell me where i stand in her priorities and she said Im the "newest thing" to come into her life. I asked her does that mean im the most expendable and she said no, but i dont know how else to take that. I just want to feel important in her life and that she wants more - not less - considering the little amount of time we actually get to be together. I realise she is depressed and I want her to deal with her issues and make herself happy. I know i should give her space to do what she has to do and I am, but inside its tearing me up and causing a lot of anxiety. I have needs and being loved and connected with my girlfriend is one of them. Am i wrong? I was hoping that after our long talk that things will change. That she will seek professional treatment for her depression and we can be happy together again. I just hate feeling like im on the end of a thread waiting to see if she is going to cut it. Its hard to feel like the lowest priority in someones life - someone that once told you they loved you and that you were a big part of their life. Her recent indifference im sure relates to how down she has felt lately, but I still feel like she doesnt have much energy or desire to invest anything emotional anymore. Im not getting out of this what I need and Ii keep hoping and waiting that she will turn it around and go back to how open, excited, loving and expressive she was. Is it a case of right person but wrong time? The hot and cold treatment is killing me and is affecting my sleep, eating and concentration. I go to bed and wake up with anxiety over it. I wonder if I am needy and I expect too much after only 4 months, but then i think this long distance relationship should aim for more than we have given the current circumstances. Im thinking about ending it if after our talks things dont improve. I cant handle being the last priority in her life after all the things we've said and done. I appreciate her doing a full time job and being in grad school and i want to support her needs. I asked her if she stll wanted to be in this relationship and she said yes. Im just having trouble cooling my jets and feeling like we're moving backwards not forwards.
A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (8 March 2007):
 I really feel for you and can understand why you are feeling depressed. You are not getting anywhere with this issue. I sthink she is trying to tell you something, maybe this relationship has run its course. Long distance relationships are very difficult and if the emails and texts have stopped I would be concerned. I get the feeling she is not into this relationship as much as you are. When we are with someone we need to feel loved and wanted and you are not feeling this. I would give it one last shot maybe write how you are feeling in an email so she can read it and think about it. Ask her does she want out of the relationship then at least you will know for sure.
Good luck,
Aunty t.
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