A
female
age
51-59,
*onc
writes:Hey everyone,I'm 37 years old, I've been married once before for almost 10 years but am now divorced. In June of last year, I met someone on-line who lives in the States (I live in Canada) and we've been dating ever since. In July, I got pregnant unexpectedly and although the pregnancy is unexpected it is definitely wanted on both of our parts. He still lives in the States and I am in Canada for the time being. Given that we've only started seeing each other, we both have not wanted to rush into anything. My question to you however is concerning the subject of female friends. Our relationship has been pretty good with the exception of female friends. When we first started dating, we had an issue with one of his female friends in that I was jealous over the relationship. This was someone he had also met on-line and had been intimate with. Apparently, she lived in other State and the last time they saw each other was January of that year. He said that he had long ended the romantic relationship with her but was still friends with her..he also said that she was still very much in love with him and although he never said so directly, I got the sense that the only reason it didn't work out between them was because he wanted children and she couldn't have them. He strongly maintained that they were just friends and he was not pursuing a relationship with her but continued to speak with her periodically over the phone.When he came to visit me here in Canada in July, he wanted to buy her a souvenir gift which, coupled with the other items listed above, really upset me. I felt that if he wasn't interested in her at all, why would he want to get her a souvenir gift? When he was here he bought something for his mom, brothers, nieces and nephews and somehow she came into the mix. In any event, I got over it, but as things progressed in our relationship I had asked her if he told her we were dating. I believe this was August. At that time he said he hadn't because it wasn't any of her business. Again, this upset me but I didn't press it. And, keep in mind, at this time, we both knew I was pregnant.Things have been progressing okay over the last while but today I find out that he is having a female friend from work come over on Sunday with her son to watch the Jets game. Although I'm pretty confident there is nothing going on between them, I have these feelings of jealousy and I can't reconcile whether these feelings are 'normal' or not. On the one hand, I think he should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without my being jealous; but, on the other hand, I feel like I'm 7 months pregnant and the fact that we are far away from each other and don't get to see other that often are facts that could legitimately increase my level of insecurity here. I'm not sure if it's my hormones playing tricks on me during the pregnancy or if I'm really insane! Like I said, I feel like he should be able to have friends of the opposite sex but at the same time, feel that the timing is a bit insensitive on his part to have her over to his place with her son, make her dinner and watch the game. What do you think? Am I overly sensitive/jealous or is there some sort of legitimacy to my concerns?Thank you in advance for your help.
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female
reader, Bonc +, writes (22 January 2010):
Bonc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all,
Just wanted to send a quick thank you to all for your responses. At least now, I don't feel like I'm insane or overly jealous! I think it comes down to lack of insensitivity and thoughtfulness on his part. I truly don't believe anything is going on with these women, but, as the anonymous respondent wrote, I think it is more of a lack of insensitivity and thoughtfulness.
I agree that yes, I'm more insecure and sensitive since we are not together on a daily basis, but also agree that he should therefore be more considerate and thoughtful to how his actions may affect how I feel. While I do agree the lines become blurred between male and female friends, I've never felt that they were impossible, just that you'd have to redefine the boundaries of your friendships and reduce the length of time you spend with them out of respect for the person you're with. When I was married, both my ex-husband and I had friends of the opposite sex, but, anytime we saw them, we would see them together. In fact, my ex-husband became very close with some of my friends and I became close with some of his friends to the extent that we are still friends to this day even after the divorce.
In my current situation, I think it is more an issue of lack of consideration on his part than actual jealousy of these other women, as I don't feel that there is anything 'going-on' per say. When the tables are turned, since I have male friends as well, I think about how my actions might affect his feelings. For example, I have a friend I've known for almost 20 years who invited me to go to his Christmas party with him. Even though I know we are just friends and always will be just that, I was cognisant of the fact that my going might affect how my boyfriend felt and obviously declined the request. I'm not so sure that if the tables were turned he would act in the same way.
With that in mind, I think I'm expecting that this same type of thoughtfulness would be reciprocated. It becomes even more concerning because we are having a child together and before I make any long-term decisions with this person, I'd like to know that I'm with someone who would be considerate, thoughtful and sensitive to how his actions might affect the relationship and my feelings, just as I attempt to do with him when the roles are reversed. Given that we have only been dating for a short while, I'm wondering even more so how his actions might extend to other areas of the relationship. If he is only concerned about himself and his own feelings without consideration for mine this early on, how might I expect it to get better in the long run?
In any event, thank you again to all for your help. I'm confident now that my feelings were less about jealousy over these women but more about his lack of sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): I too agree wholeheartedly with Sugarbuns. The lines are blurred with men and female friends, normally they do if possible want sex with them and will do it if the situation arises. Apparently it is a boy thing so my ex husband told me!! I am not a great believer in men having female friends outside of a relationship. Work colleagues ok but not females that they text and ring on a regular basis. There is normally a depth of feeling on one side or the other which always causes problems. People have told me that you have to rise above these cares and not let them bother or get to you but I think it is extremely difficult to do that.
You are having his baby and not with him in person which is hard. I do not think though that the pregnancy hormones are particularly affecting this because you have valid worries. You may be feeling a bit sensitive and insecure because you are not with him on a day to day basis but for that reason I think he should be more thoughtful about who he spends his time with. He probably hasn't even thought that it may distress you him having a friend over to watch the match with her son. I shouldn't even think it entered his head.
I think you took the souvenir gift item extremely well given the history involved. I would have made it go missing!
The best thing you can do here is think of you and the baby and not spend time dwelling on this. You will be together soon and then you will be able to see if there are genuine legitimate worries or if they are all in your head. Concentrate on what you are going to do together and all the nice things that you can buy and do when the baby comes. Enjoy the fun of having this baby and don't let it be spoilt by these negative feelings coming in. i think when you are together all will be well. Good luck with the baby xx
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Many millions of men all around the world have friendships with women and still manage to stay married and faithful. Not everyone who spends time together wants to automatically have sex. What do bisexual people do, sleep with all their men and women friends? Anyway, on to your answer.....
In your case, well... as you said, there is a romantic history between them both, you live far away, throw in an unexpected pregnancy, and her being able to visit him..
I'm not saying that they are doing anything wrong, but yes, you have reasons to be worried about his closeness to this woman whilst you are so far away and unreachable. You two need to think about moving to live closer if your planning on having a strong relationship together, especially once your child is born.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 I think you have reason to be concerned. I have a theory about men and their women friends. Most men who are in committed relationships don't. Not the kind that come over and hang out at ther house, not the kind they buy gifts for at least. Men who are "keeping their options open" do. They factor their so-called female "friends" into their daily lives, buy gifts for them, invite them over etc. because they don't see themselves in any kind of permanent arrangement with another woman. You may be pregnant but until you are living in the same town, perhaps even the same house, he will continue to behave like a single man, and trust me most of his female friends are FWB. The lines in a man's mind get very blurred when they have that much freedom.
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