A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,My bf is almost on the verge of breaking up with. He has told me he loves me but is not in love with me.Yes I have peppered him with texts and all but when he said 'you are not giving me space to think' I left him alone. In the meantime he found out that one of his closest and oldest mates had told me about his flaws and he was angry but not at me. He felt betrayed and actually spoke to his friend y'day and discussed if these really were problems with him. This friend has known him since he was 14 and is almost a father figure who coached and played cricket with him. Mind you there was no discussion about me...except for his friend telling him that I was very distressed. So yes in limbo with a person who is also rather stubborn. He had a problem with a habit of mine which I have kicked and he knows that. So no issues there.Yes we had some horrible fights last year but we both know that they were cos of our addictions and cos we couldn't communicate to each other that none of us were quitting cos we thought the other wasn't bothered enough. We have discussed this and realise it now.Now the reason I am here is to ask you for some insight. He rang me y'day morning and we were talking about our flatmate who has hooked up with one of my closest friends. This flatmate has had one girl in the house every week and has also tried to cause rifts between us...so obviously my bf isn't fond of him. When I was speaking about him and how he hooked up with my friend, it slipped (and swear on god slipped out..wasn't plotting at all) that he had hit on me before hooking up with my friend. As soon as I said this my bf flew off the handle and told me he would ring back later. He rang up my flatmate and left a rather abusive message and a series of nasty texts with lots of expletives.He rang me back and was still fuming and I requested him not to make a deal cos I had nipped it in the bud and it would never ever happen. I also reminded him that I have to live with him and didn't want any trouble in the house or damage. My bf trusts me on this as he told his friend yesterday. Now I didn't think of it at all but my bf's friend reckons he is jealous.Is this a positive and something which might make him realise that he wants to remain with me or should I not put so much emphasis on it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): RisingfromAshes - thanks for your answer :) Yes he is scum..but we persist with him cos he is a long term investment - where I live it is difficult to find flatmates. Plus he is handy round the house and pays on time. My bf was living with me before he lost his job and had to return to our hometown. He never liked him cos he tried to cause rifts between us. He would slag me in from of my bf when I wasn't there and vice versa. We had discussed this and knew we won't have any issues as long as we took it with a pinch of salt and didn't let any personal stuff out. But now that me and my bf are having a bad patch and he wasn't even here, he tried to ask me out. My bf knows I love him too much..so on that front there are no issues. Everyone I have spoken to tell me that though he did say 'I love you but am not in love with you'....this fit of rage and jealousy reveals what is truely in his heart. So should I take it as a positive sign that my man's still into me and just give him the time to sort out his career and self-esteem issues or should I not bother and move on?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): RisingfromAshes - thanks for your answer :) Yes he is scum..but we persist with him cos he is a long term investment - where I live it is difficult to find flatmates. Plus he is handy round the house and pays on time. My bf was living with me before he lost his job and had to return to our hometown. He never liked him cos he tried to cause rifts between us. He would slag me in from of my bf when I wasn't there and vice versa. We had discussed this and knew we won't have any issues as long as we took it with a pinch of salt and didn't let any personal stuff out. But now that me and my bf are having a bad patch and he wasn't even here, he tried to ask me out. My bf knows I love him too much..so on that front there are no issues. Everyone I have spoken to tell me that though he did say 'I love you but am not in love with you'....this fit of rage and jealousy reveals what is truely in his heart. So should I take it as a positive sign that my man's still into me and just give him the time to sort out his career and self-esteem issues or should I not bother and move on?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Thank you for your response :) I am trying to get rid of my flatmate - I sure am you know. I am a bit scared of him and he's created a bit of a situation by hooking up with my friend who is trying to leave him as well while he peppers him with 50 texts god! My bf was living with us earlier...lost his job and had to return to his hometown (which is my hometown too). That's why I am here alone with this idiot. Me and my bf had always discussed that he was trying to cause rifts but we were strong enough to ensure that never got in the way. I reason we persevered with him is cos he is very handy round the house and regular with his payments. My bf has told me that he has slagged me behind my back and I have told him he does the same for him. My bf never liked him in fact. I told him y'day to be careful cos I have to live with him - as much as he can fix things round the house, he can damage things as well :(
I am not going to contact my bf. Everyone is telling me he is utterly confused and has pretty low self-esteem at this point - feeling that he won't succeed at anything - including the relationship. I wish I could give him a hug but he had to leave while I was overseas and I haven't met him in person since :( The problems started happening a couple of weeks back when I was on the last week of my overseas trip. So we haven't had the chance to sit and talk in person.
But his reaction y'day gave me hope...and I think he loves me even though he feels it might be otherwise.
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A
female
reader, Risingfromashes  +, writes (22 January 2010):
Well, you CAN take the jealousy as a sign that he cares but it can also be anger that the guy disrespected him by hitting on you. Your flatmate sounds like scum. Also, why can't you live with your boyfriend? I think you would have some other option, most healthy relationships will not work while you're living in the same flat with a male who isn't your bf (or gay). If you want to keep your relationship I would really suggest you keep strong and confident (at least pretend) and do give him his space. Also, make sure you aren't bringing up the past in arguments. Another tough habit to break. If he loves you and you love him you can both make proper compromises and be happy together. Best wishes.
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