A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm really confused right now. My boyfriend and I have been going out together for 6 months. He's 31 and i am his first gf. So he has nothing to compare to when something doesn't feel right in the relationship. He told me he had this feeling that he doesn't know if I am 'the one'. He says he loves me but that he has nothing to compare it to. He has this 'idealized' version of what love is and if something happens that doesn't fall within this version of love, it means that it might not be true love. He doesn't want me to get hurt and give the impression that he is stringing me along. Should i just set him free... although i know that he's 'the one' for me. i love him with all my heart... but this incertainty is driving me nuts... i never know if he'll just decide to up and leave or stay. Should i let him discover what love is on his own and lose out on something that might transform into true love. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2013):
 Let him go. If he is yours he will come back, and then stay for good. Uf you love him, let him go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): hey hun, I was in pretty much the same boat 2 and half years ago. I was my boyfriend's first but i'd had more experience with relationships. Anyway, we fell in love but he, like yours, was a little bit restless. So I let him go. We became friends with benefits which was difficult for me since for me he was the one. But I reckoned it was better this way than us staying together and him walking away in 5 years because he still had unfinished business. Fast track 6 months later, he came back to me and said I am the best thing that ever happened to him and our relationship has been near-perfect since. To put things into perspective a little bit more about our 'break up'- we were completely open about who's dating who and how that's going. I think that was important that we had communication and trust. We spoke every night and stayed as close as we had been when we'd been together. So in that sense, it's almost like we never broke up. His actions said he loved me. It just took him a while for his male ego to catch up with his heart. Ironically, he didn't sleep with anyone else / date anyone else during this time and it was me who did. I don't know how it would have felt if it had been the other way round. But I guess it's a risk you have to work out for yourself if you can get over him dating someone else first and then coming back to you.You know your significant other more than anyone else... Forget about his words for a second. What do his actions say? If he's yours he'll come back. Equally,if he's not, he'll leave whether that's in 2 months or in 2 years. Give him space, tell him you love him and that when he's sure he wants to commit, you'll be waiting. It'll take the pressure off both of you.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (13 April 2013):
You seem like a nice gal. As hard as you try to convince him your the one, he is convince your are not. If you have to convince someone into anything, it is wrong. At 31 he should know what his needs are in a relationship. It appears to me that he is keeping you around until he does find the one. Don't waste anymore of your time or his. Investing more time of your hopes of this relationship is only hurting you.
Do yourself a favour, have the confidence to love yourself enough to move forward into a loving relationship with all persons involved.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 He's 31 and finally he's landed a nice Gf who loves him.
Yet already after just six months he's indecisive and vacillating and thinking the grass is greener on the other side. He certainly does need to learn a whole lot more about women.
Maybe for him, perhaps even some counselling on what IS a real relationship?
He is still feeling his way in a 'learning as he goes along'
His approach to things is not exactly supportive and loving but more of a child in a candy store, suddenly aware that so much is on offer.
Indicating that he does not fully appreciate that you are a loyal loving woman in love with him.
Let him spread his wings.
His idealized unrealistic impatient stance, wanting to sample all the candy in the store, now that he's realized how good Candy is, is likely to mean that at 45 he'll still be wondering if he's missed the boat?
Gee at the six month mark he should be pouring his heart and soul into getting to know you better. Six months? He hardly really knows the real you.
Say good bye to him.
Recognise that the man for you is out there. The man for you already knows his own mind and knows what he needs and wants. He'll make decisions anfter considered thought. And honor his promises. You will be able to confidently rely on his word.
Not long after your guy does spread his wings after he breaks up with you this man may come back to you after realizing his mistake about wanting to leave you. Don't take him back. Tell him that he had his chance, but he forfeited his chance by his own actions.
Hopefully he'll learn to be more considerate in the future. And develop some intell on the woman he really needs.
Not crave some unattainable painted princess who he wants to place on a pedestall.
Despite his age it seems he still has some learning to do about appreciating real women and a real relationship.
Tell him to go practise elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 April 2013):
To have your first girlfriend at 31 indicates he either was raised by a pack of wolves or he has some personality issues that prevent him from connecting with people. I could be wrong.
To me this would be a sign that, at the very least, you need to be patient; 6 months is a drop in the bucket. Give him some time to grow closer to you (and get to know the real you) before you give up.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 April 2013):
Dear OP,
To me, despite your similar age, it sounds like you two are still at very different stages of live.
You might be comfortable sticking to this man and settling down with him.
He, despite his age, is still in his late teens or early twenties when it comes to relationships: Full of insecurities and confusion. Obviously the fact that he never had a gf before is bugging him. Lowering his self confidence.
Some people CAN stay together with their first love, forever. They don't need to compare. to prove themselves, to try new things, because they worship what they have. Or they believe in fate. Or religion. But maybe this man can't.
This whole discussion might just be a nice way to tell you he would like to sexually explore with other people and can't live with the thought that you were his "only one". It's a part of the male stereotype that a "real" man needs to be sexually experienced - or at least more experienced than his girlfriend.
Of course, this is just a thought.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Should you let him go???
Lovely lady, he is almost gone anyways and is doing a damn good job on his own, He has only had one girlfriend and it seems your relationship has given him confidence and now he is wanting to go out and meet others.
You cannot keep him if he doesn't want to stay, so the question should be:
When do I let go?
The answer is...as soon as possible.
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