A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, im 8 months into a relationship with my girlfriend and things are goin great with us, we have such a laugh when we are together, but im having a very hard time warming to her 12 year old son who lives with her, sometimes hes fine but most the time hes such a spoilt brat, no matter what we arrange to do he moans about it, even when i spend alot of money on him he finds something to moan about, i find it so ungratefull, the trouble is with him being an only child hes been spoilt rotten and now he expects everythin to evolve around him. My girlfriend is hoping we can move in together this year but im finding it very hard to see it the way im feeling towards her son, hes so defiant on times too and his mother is too soft on him, im just afraid if we live together arguments will start, especialy when he turns into his teens, anyone been in this situation please??
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): Thanks for your answers guys, he does see his father regularly, about once a week, my girlfriend split up from his dad around 8 years ago, as for the spending money on him, it was birthday present and christmas presents. And a weekend break at the seaside which i thought would be good for us all to bond, and all he done on that weekend was moan about the food, the entertainment, and that the beach wasnt as nice as mexico (where him and his mam went last year)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 If you're not allowed to parent him, then you definitely can not live together and I wouldn't even recommend you date. I've not dated anyone with a kid, but I have worked with kids and in work environments with loads of kids, and having to put my foot down to obnoxious kids. You just can't leave it up to the parents alone, not when you're the adult in the "area" of where the child is. It's not like I could let kids roam free in the classroom or let the kids hit each other on the play ground, even if they're not MY kids. I step in and I am part of the village that raise the kids.
I never had a parent have an issue with it. For most part they seemed pleased to get help with the rascals. You know, she probably knows he's spoiled and feels worn down by his moaning just as much as you are, but she's run out of energy to try and do much about it. It's just become a habit to her.
You really can not be expected to NEVER intervene or NEVER put the kid in his place. You are an adult in his life, and you are responsible for him as well, especially if you end up living together. It's not really a good enough reason to not intervene just because you're not his dad. A teacher or a random person in the street is far less related to the kid than you are, but they still are entitled to correct the kids behaviour. So why shouldn't you?
If that is something your girlfriend can not handle, then she's not the right lady for you. I'd NEVER date anyone who's kid I wasn't allowed to talk to/correct/expect certain behaviour from. My house, my rules. Even if you're not my kid.
Just talk to your girlfriend about this, do not bring up him being spoiled or bratty etc, just talk about how you have felt uneasy about interfering, but that now that you and her have gotten more serious in the relationship you feel a need to be able to discipline her son when he needs it as well. And that in order to do this, you and her need to agree on the rules and what the consequences should be if he breaks these rules. Such as, are you allowed to ground him? Take away his phone/computer/games? If not, then you can always discipline with using words. Never shout or swear or be mean, but be firm and let him know what's allowed and not allowed.
As for moaning, you can try to cure that by ignoring everything he says when he moans and only respond to him if he uses his normal voice and is polite.
If you move in with your girlfriend, you should expect to be left alone at home with the kid from time to time, and this is another good point to bring up as far as debating common rules and boundaries and to what degree you can discipline him.
As for me, I don't care what the parent think, if a kid is rude/playing around at my work and doing things they're not allowed to, I will remove their toys or correct them or physically move them to where they need to be. I've never had a parent get upset with me about it, ever. My workplace, my rules, my home, my rules etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): He's a tween, and if you take-on dating a single-mother, you also take-on her kid(s). You're the adult in the situation, and being new in his and her life; you are in no position to criticize or access her parental-skills.
If you approach a kid you hardly know, with your mind made-up about who he is, guess what? He already knows you don't like him. It will show in the way you look at him, the air about you will be tense, and you're already increasing your testosterone around him ready for a challenge. He's only a boy, so don't swell with aggression. Kids are very sensitive to that. It's bully behavior.
Dude...he's a kid! He's an only-kid, and people always generalize and presume an only-child is spoiled. You hardly know him, and have no idea what he's been through. He moans and groans; because that's what tweens and teens do. If you're not ready for it, back-out now. They are a pain, but that's puberty; and they are a mess of hormones. At this stage, life is confusing and miserable. They don't have a clue why.
As for spending a lot of money on him. Did he ask you to? He doesn't need to be bribed. Just understood. He doesn't have a dad around; so yes, mother will coddle and baby him to some degree. That's because she feels it's her fault he is being raised without a dad, and she over-compensates. Kids need that sometimes. They need to know for sure they aren't in some way at fault, and they're safe. If his dad is a dick, he will be traumatized by it, and all male-figures in his life are an extension of that. Only because it is all he knows.
It's too soon for you to be considering moving in; and if the kid isn't ready for it, you'd do yourself a favor by waiting a bit longer to get more acquainted; and to better establish your relationship to his mother. You do have to win him over. You're talking about pushing your way into his life, and he has no idea who you really are. Nor does his mother, if it has only been 8 months.
Kids his age are supposed to seem ungrateful. They aren't adults yet. They don't understand the dynamics of finances and responsibilities at twelve years old. They are financially-dependent, still growing; and going through changes both psychologically and physically. At his age,they are starting to understand things they didn't when they were smaller; so excuse him because he may have had a few run-ins with other guys his mother has dated. He is expecting whatever crap he got from the last guy from you.
Before you decide you're going to teach him a thing or two, remember one thing. You're not his father. Your influence on his life had better be a positive one. He didn't ask for you to date his mother. Don't give him reason not to like you. He's is being a typical kid. If you aren't used to kids, maybe you better give dating a single-mom more thought. Your preconceived notions about teenagers have nothing to do with him.
If it is one thing I can't take reading from a man who isn't a boy's father, is one who says his mother is being too soft on him. That means trouble. Back-off!
Discover what his interests are. Kids his age always have cool things they're into. Skate-boarding, anime, video games, art, sports, and just starting to like girls.
Give him attention, even if he acts as if he can't stand you. You'll gain more points by showing patience as an adult, and not assuming he's a brat. If he is, he's not your kid; and you are in no position to do anything about his attitude. Earn his respect by being a good male role-model, and showing him you're the adult between the two of you. You're not there for a challenge or to correct his mother's mistakes in bringing him up. You can prove to him you'll be good to his mom, you will put-up with him being a kid, and you're willing to like him first. Even if it takes time for him to like you.
He can't like you right-away. He doesn't know if you'll just up and leave him and his mom. He doesn't know what kind of temper you have, or even if you like kids. So before you decide you already know how things are going to be; deal with things as they are already. That means give that kid a break and remember; for now, you're just an intruder. He doesn't have to like you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 December 2016):
 It's never easy, stepping into a relationship where a child is involved. This poor child (because you have to always remember that is all he is - a child) has been used to having his mother to himself. You don't mention if his father is on the scene but, regardless of whether he is or not, he is living with his mother and, therefore, sees her as the stability in his life. You have only been around for a short while and he will see you as competition for his mother's attention and affection.
Have you tried going out with him, just the two of you? Perhaps go to a football match or go-karting or something he will enjoy which his mother wouldn't necessarily be interested in. This will help you bond and take his mother out of the equation for a short while.
He is not being a "spoilt brat"; he is being a child who is feeling insecure and afraid, hence his playing up and moaning. Yes, sometimes it is hard not to get irritated but, from experience, I would advise the following:
1. Your girlfriend comes as a package with her son. You either have to accept him or walk away from the relationship.
2.He is likely to tell you at some point that you are not his father. Acknowledge this when it happens but don't react in anger.
3. Never try to take over as his father. You are not his father and never will be. If you get on better in the future, he may look to you as a father figure but never expect him to call you his "dad".
4. Never EVER try to discipline him. He is not your son. How his mother chooses to bring him up is HER business and nothing to do with you, unless she asks for your input or involvement. If you don't think you can tolerate this, then it is probably best that you call it a day now and walk away.
Good luck. Don't believe anyone who tells you it will be easy, because it won't. However, it might be worth it in the end.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (27 December 2016):
I can understand how you feel,and maybe the problems you might have if you move in with your girlfriend.First of all you are right now very wise to be Aware of what could arise in this situation.But because you are Aware,this is half of the problem sorted .As you do not state,is this son the only son and maybe the Only child. Yes he is at a most difficult age between 12 and just a teenager.First of all,he will resent you taking his mothers attention away from him.There is also the issue of his own father,does he see him,or maybe not see him ,this would have a bearing and a deep sad resent...thus he will become defiant...this is one positive way on his side to get his mums attention.It would be very important to sit down and have an indept chat on this situation with your girlfriend.......you may feel as you stated that she is being to soft on her son.....she maybe trying to make up for his father not being there for him[if indeed this is the case]or for something else in the past.You must find out the full story to know what you are dealing with and then only then can you decide what you want to do to move in or not .A couple must work together where there are children/teenagers.Because it could be the case where the child see a division and take advantage ,by playing one of against the other....especially when the mum/dad are not their real parents.This is a very serious situation and must be given the utmost time,understanding and perhaps even to consider counselling as a family.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): How long since your girlfriend split from her baby daddy? Is he in the picture?It is not uncommon for children from broken homes resent the presence of new girl/boyfriends in their parents' lives and see them as a roadblock to their parents' reuniting. Whatever the circumstances, you've come into his life too late for him to see you as having parental authority and since you're not legally related to him he is perfectly justified in thinking that way. You're his mother's acquaintance, not his, and as such he's under no obligation to like you. I can tell you that if I were his father then I'd be pursuing every legal avenue possible to prevent my 12-year-old son from sleeping under the same roof as a stranger (to me) as it's possible that you could be dating his mother in order to get close to him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 December 2016):
 Personally, when single parents are in relationships, I think they should wait longer to move in. I'd suggest at least waiting until the beginning of 2018, to give everyone a chance to get used to each other - I don't think her son is.I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just jump in with a question: do you want kids? If the answer is no, you shouldn't date a parent. If the answer is yes, a lot of kids are bratty and spoilt - some times it calms down and other times it gets worse during puberty/adolescence before it gets better. If you stay, you need to be prepared for both and establish with your girlfriend how much of a role you'll play in parenting him.Also, whilst I don't think you should judge her because lots of good parents have bratty kids at some point, I do think you should watch how she deals with him. If she's a bit of a pushover and does spoil him, that's her parenting style, which isn't really a good one because it's can cause entitled "little monsters". You can't teach her how to parent, though, so you have to decide if you want to stay with someone who parents poorly (I don't agree with being too strict or too soft) and have a stepson who behaves the way he does because of her parenting. If you do want kids, you also have to think that she'd most likely parent your child(ren) the same way, potentially resulting in the same issue.What I will say is that spending a lot of money on him is spoiling him further. I believe people, but parental figures in particular, need to reward children and give them good things, but also teach them that those good things don't always have to be expensive. For example, a lot of kids who are always rewarded with expensive things are less likely to appreciate a picnic/park reward.It's up to you. Have a talk with her, once you've observed her parenting for a couple of weeks. Also, her son needs to be asked (by her) if he's happy for you to move in, at some point (you should have been together for at least 2 years, in my opinion, as a child is involved). If he isn't, you both need to ask him what he'd like to do with you both, so that he gets to know you better.
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