A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having an affair and I am unable to end it. I have been married for 8 years now and I have a great hubby. But..6 months ago I met a guy who just blew my mind. At first it was just great conversation and flirting.. but I admit I knew where it was heading. So, pretty soon we started sleeping together. He shares a very strong spiritual connection with me and the sex is so good that there are no words.I did not want to do all this and I did not want fall in love but I did. I know that falling in love justifies nothing and I do want to end it and hold onto my marriage but somehow I just don´t possess the strength to do so. Am I just making excuses for myself? I am so afraid of losing my hubby and I feel like crap for hurting him this way.I don´t want to be in love with my lover. I want to stop seeing him. And I tell myself all the time that I will not see him anymore- and then I end up in his bed. Can I force myself to fall out of love? I know that the heat I have with my lover would ultimately fade and change, I know all the facts and I am not deluded but still I keep this up. Why? Am I that weak, or stupid, or both? Or am I just addicted to the fantastic sex? Am I not in love at all and just in it for the excitement and desire? I am so ambivalent about my feelings right now. Advice, anyone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I wish you all the best in resolving this. Why? Because i'm going through the same thing. 5 years on a 2 splits, i have found myself back in her bed but this time i spend every day being torn between my sexual desires and what my head says is the right thing to do. My marriage lacks intimacy and sexual excitement. My affair gives me both those things. 3 weeks since i fell back into her arms i'm totally distraught. Don't know what to do. Every time i tell her it's over to allow us both the move on, we fall back into each other. It's been 5 years and i want to end the affair and be happy again but i can't let her go.
Good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): You say that you don't have the strength to deal with ending/choosing this affair.I see someone who is getting what she wants both ways by not ending this affair or dealing with it openly. I think your particular lack of "strength" is quite convenient. It seems to serve your subconscious desires much better than if you had the "strength" that you say you want.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Hi,
I would think that if your relationship with your hubby was as good as you say , then you wouldn't be having this affair. Something must be missing, and until you find what it is you are liable to slip back into this sad state of affairs. Knowing what you are doing is wrong is a good start. I think taking a holiday with your hubby ( as the other aunt said ) is a really good start, use it to let your lover know that you are going away and if he respects you to allow you to repair your marriage. If things arent so hot in the bedroom with your husband why dont you try and do something about it?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I had two affairs whilst married - I am female. The first was about wanting an older married man to nurture me and treat me well (he didn't). The second was for the excitement - to fill the missing void in my life that existed in my marriage. I was very lonely in my marriage and this filled that. One problem though - I then actually had two rubbish relationships - and actually in the end I wanted neither. What I am saying is that there is a reason (not just fatal attraction) that led you to this point. Something is wrong with your marriage and the way you feel about yourself. If you are serious and I mean really really serious about solving that you are simply NOT going to do it whilst with this other guy - as your heart is being shared. There is no simple way to end an affair other than to wake up one day and say today is that day. Call him, tell him, don't meet up to do it otherwise it will never happen. Have a new sim card or phone and email address waiting to use. Destroy your old phone or card. Don't look back. Plan a 2 weeks holiday with hubby or a week at least - even with girly friends such as a pamper break to co-incide with this and get away. You are in too deep too quick to do anything other than this because your feelings are so strong. Because you mention the sex you are really going to have trouble erasing it when you go back (?) to sleeping with your husband, who, by the way, will no doubt have already noticed a change in you even if you think he hasn't. You have a chance to stop this before your husband finds out and devastation follows.... does he deserve this pain? Take this chance now to end it - spiritual connections are great but they do not provide a guarantee to make a relationship work. A relationship that starts on a pack of lies is doomed anyway so its not worth the risk. Two last points... and the first was always on my mind in the second affair I had..what sort of guy sleeps with a woman who is married anyway. What does this REALLY say about him. If you went long term can you hand on heart trust HIM to not cheat on YOU? Secondly - it took me a long time to realise that I was having an affair out of weakness. I had desperately low self worth - accepting scraps from the married man I was seeing and not investing anything in my 'real' life...always hanging around in case I could sneak away. Pathetic as I wasted valuable years. Don't let this happen to you otherwise your soul will be gone. All the best - hope this helps you.
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A
female
reader, shelleyanne  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 The truth of it is, you can't have both. You, at some point, are going to need to make decision. Take it from someone who is learning this the hard way, each second you spend with "the other man" is making your marriage mean less and less. Sadly, there is usually a difference between what we KNOW is right and what FEELS right. Do you want to rebuild your life with this new man? Because if you do, the answer is clear, and you should seek divorce from your husband. Don't string him along for nothing.
This is such a tough one. You could consider relationship counseling or even individual counseling just to try to sort through all these feelings with someone who know's what they mean.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Think of the great consequences when your affair is uncovered. You will lose your family and your husband.
Do you think it is worth to lose a family and home and everything you have built up for some fun and excitements in your life.
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