A
female
age
41-50,
*livia2010!
writes:I have just recently come out of a 1 and half year relationship.I am having problems dealing with this pain and I have done so much to try and forget this, but its clear that I am affected quiet a bit. My ex was a best friend of 2 years before we got together and we got on well perfectly. I always knew that he fancied me when we were friends and I had such confidence in myself then ( was attracting a lot of attention), but I didnt feel the same with him and just wanted to be friends. He respected that. After a while things and feelings changed and I fell in love with him. I was always so honest, affectionate and loving with him. Very loyal and faithful. The start of it was amazing. After a few months, he began to change his feelings and change as a person after he landed a great job full of money.He changed his looks, attitude and became self absorbed. He started to treat me terribly, lying, shouting at me and calling me a stupid cow, bitch, slag...etc for running 15 min late for the cinema and said that he hated me. He slapped me across the face and told me to f off. He has only been violent and physical 3 times during the relationship, where he strangled me once before, but he was drunk and couldnt remember it. He has dumped me 7 times and runs back to me when he feels I've moved on or something. i have tried to leave him several times, but my mind is so messed up over wanting and hoping it could turn into the relationship it once was before. He says he doesnt trust, respect or love me as girlfriend, but cares for me as a friend. He has done a lot for me, money wise, and I did appreciate that when I needed help and was in big trouble. I love him dearly and would do anything for him, cook, clean, massage him, pamper him and give him lots of affection and love. He is honest and its my fault for holding on to something that doesnt exist, but its hard. He dumped me 3weeks ago and says he wants to be single. We were still having sex which i know wasnt good for me. i thought enough was enough and deleted him off all connections. Didnt hear from him for a while, then he heard I landed a great job and congratulated me. He said that he missed my company on txt and I didnt reply. I couldnt resist but to txt him a couple of days later and said I missed him. He called me when he was drunk and said he missed me and cares for me and loves me, but doesnt want to be with me. I feel as if I will never get over this. My friends and family are fed up of it. They told me to leave him a long time ago and I just waited till he left me. I am weak and pathetic I know. Everyone is being supportive, but I feel myself sinking to depression. I can't afford professional help. I tried everything but i'm constantly obsessing about him and what he is doing. I never wish this horrible feeling on anyone. He is such a handsome person, but his personality makes him ugly. he now says that he is having a great time going out, loving his job, loves his sports car, moving on and never been so happy. Please help me.
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best friend, confidence, drunk, fell in love, money, move on, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, olivia2010! +, writes (23 February 2010):
olivia2010! is verified as being by the original poster of the question I would like to thank everyone who has read and responded to my post. Its refreshing to read other peoples thoughts, beliefs and honest opinions. its even more heart warming to know that other people understand or have experienced similar situations.At present, I will be working on this personal problem and issue about my self confidence and hopefully one day with a little strength, I will conquer these awful emotions and get over it.It doesn't mean however, that I am not fearful. i have never been so scared in my life.
Every reply has been excellent advise. Thanks all for so much support. The journey to recovery begins.
warmest regards x
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I'm sorry you are going through such pain, and feel so messed up!
BUT: you know, you WILL get over this man, PROVIDED you make up your mind to it! It may not be easy, it may take some time, but if you stay the course, it will evaporate.
If you are constantly thinking about him, you might try allowing yourself a half-hour at a certain time of day to obssess as much as you want. Set a timer. Then when time's up, go do something else! Read a book, watch your favorite TV program, pray, call a family member or friend - especially one who's lonely and would enjoy hearing from you. Meet a friend, think about what you have to do at work, scrub the floor, go for a walk/run, go bowling - anything to turn your attention elsewhere!
Recognizing that he is a worthless human being; abusive - both physically and mentally - obssessed with money, and apart from doing a good job (I would hope!) cares about nothing but going out and having a good time. He's told you he doesn't love or respect you. His actions shout from the rooftops the truth of what he's said.
Why on earth WOULD you miss and regret not being with him?!
Yes, he may have helped you out financially when you needed it, but that by no means excuses his treatment of you now! You owe him exactly NOTHING - not money, not affection, nor respect. Trust has to be earned, and he hasn't earned yours.
Do yourself a favor by refusing, once and for all, to text, call, email him. And if he gets in touch with you, do not respond - except to tell him once and once only, that you are finished with him, and he is not to contact you again, ever, no matter what.
In any case, this is a glaring example of why it's a good idea to date someone for at least a year, taking time to get to know each other before deciding to make it permanent. It really is a long process of finding out......as you have discovered, from bitter experience.
If you can't afford counselling, perhaps you could consider making an appointment with your doctor in case you are suffering from clinical depression. Possibly he or she might know of some low-cost or even free counselling. Failing that, maybe talk to a sympathetic minister? And stay close to your family and friends! They are only trying to help you and are concerned for your well-being!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): Sounds like this relationship took a kicking out you, your doing the right thing by staying away from him, he can be as rich and handsome as he wants but someone who beats you and makes you feel like your nothing is not worth wasting time and space over. Imagine if kids were in the equation would you want to go back to him someone whos violent and abusive??
The only person who can help you is yourself, by saying your pathetic and worthless is not a great way to start. try and remember that bubbly confident girl you were before being with him. Remember what you used to do and what you did in your day to day life.
You need to keep your time busy, fill up your day with things to do. Time will heal I promise, but you got to give yourself the chance to beleive that the sun will rise and a new day will begin. change your number, block his emails stop anything that will give you temptation to keep tabs on him. Time to stop moaning and pick your life up and get going.
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A
male
reader, monkeys1  +, writes (23 February 2010):
Hello, from what you have said he seems like a horrible person for u, u might love him but it looks like he says he loves you but if he did he wouldnt do that to u, i know that forgeting someone is a hard thing to do, but somethings have to happen, i would say turn things around for yourself go out meet new people and find something that takes your mind off him, p.s iam going through something close to what your going through so i know what you mean
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 Hi, you were given I believe with so many advices from your family,friends and relatives, and you know and feel they are right...Do you love yourself? Try to love yourself this time please and think what is best for you. Don't wait for the time you will berate yourself...you need to be strong now and dont be afraid of losing him but be afraid of losing yourself...move on and don't look back, you can do it!
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A
male
reader, chuntiandemeili +, writes (23 February 2010):
i really think your calling yourself 'weak and pathetic' is unfair. it seems to be absolutely normal and understandable to be going through what you are.
i think what this guy has now won't last, he must feel a king in the ascendant, but he will be brought down to earth one way or another. personally i'd just take the most positive end of this - there is love on his part, there is also a need to be with you, there is also (though he hides it by going the other way) a deep admiration for your personal qualities, which his 'fortune' has corrupted him of seemingly, which he envies. if you can forgive him and love him further, then it is time to be cruel to be kind, you after all must know him better than any of his new acquaintances. if you don't love him, then just tell him thanks for the love he once gave but you want somebody else, and get out there. most important though, be a bit patient with yourself, maybe take a broad look at your history together and get a realistic portrait of his truer nature, and possibly your future.
best wishes
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