A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year. We have a perfectly loving relationship - emotionally I couldn't be more fulfilled in that respect. However, we seem to have a lot of troubles with our (non-existent) sex life. I am still a virgin, but my boyfriend is not. When I first met him, he was honest about his sexual desires, admitted to liking (and having had) bondage sex with previous girlfriends and that my being a virgin was no issue. We agreed to wait until things were right to begin a sexual relationship. That was a long time ago, and I have made it clear to him that I really want, and feel ready for, sex. However, I have concerns that he now has fears for our sexual compatibility. He has never intimated that bondage was, for him, a necessary part of sex all the time, but I now feel like he may have been lying slightly. He won't even discuss sex with me, and finds a million excuses for why we dont talk about it these days; he is 'just tired', he 'wonders if we are sexually compatible' and that 'time will tell'. How exactly is time going to tell if we never get close to talking about sex, let alone having it? I hate sleeping next to him, wanting some sexual contact with him so badly, and he only wants to cuddle and go to sleep. It kills me. I am not unattractive, or sexually 'repressed'. I have a healthy attitude to sex, and have made that clear to him. I am so very frustrated. I feel like he is treating me more like a friend when it comes to our sex life, and I feel guilty that sex is mentioned more (totally innocently of course) between my friends and I than with my boyfriend. I almost feel cheated on because, he wont talk about sex with me, but he talks about sex with other people in bondage-orientated chatrooms from time to time. I dont know why he told me this (he said it a long time ago) - he obviously doesn't think its a big deal but I feel as though he is being unfaithful in doing this. It was 'only occasionally' according to him, but I will never know for sure. He also looks at porn - like most guys, I know - but it just feels like he can't talk to me about sex but he can get off at some stranger online easily enough. I have never had an issue with his sexual fantasies, and have always been support of them but now I feel like it has stepped in the middle of us becoming a sexual couple. He says he loves me, and he shows me in so many ways. I really want to find out why sex isn't happening for us. When I met him, I thought we would have no issues like this - he didnt seem prudish about sex at all (obviously, considering his desires) but its like virtual sex has become more of a reality to him than the possibilty of sex with me. Why doesn't he want to, at least, fulfil some of his sexual needs with me, his girlfriend? How can he hold me and kiss me all night, yet not want to have any sexual contact with me?To be clear, I am not really into the same kind of things that he is, but I can't express my own wishes and hopes for sex with him if he won't even talk about it. We may not be compatible at all, but I feel like I will have wasted my time in this relationship if I leave it still a virgin and already into my twenties. How will i explain this to a future boyfriend without either looking stupid for staying with my current one, or making it seem as though I have problems with sex, which i dont. I would love a sexual relationship, I have been waiting for the right guy for what feels like forever, and I thought I had found him. The closer we got emotionally, the more sexually distant we became. I try and initiate talks about sex but he gets moody with me. I am more than sure everything is working downstairs for him, I really dont know what it is thats wrong. I have exhausted every possible option in my mind. I would even consider the fact that he isn't attracted to me, but he can't keep his hands of me when we are together and he practically beams with joy whenever he introduces me to someone he knows - things just don't advance sexually. I am not sending out mixed messages, or shutting myself off from him when it comes to sex, but now it feels like it is going to be a big deal 'if' it ever happens. The natural feeling has left me - I feel like I will have to conform with what he wants, and just grin and bear it. The fact that he has these kind of fantasies also make me feel out of my depth, and also knowing that I am not going to compare with his former girlfriends who did do this kind of stuff with him. Please offer any advice/theories that you can. I am going insane here. If the emotional side of our relationship was as poor, I would just leave him, but I would be walking away from the closest person in my life for what feels like a very shallow reason. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading all of this!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I said he loved you right.. off course he wasn't coerced, he agreed most willingly to keep you happy. So why can't he make you happy now.... mmmmm.. he's got to be scared, or we got to just ask him "What the hell is wrong, why can't we sex play?"
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
opps.. too logical and blunt.. lol, and somewhere, a lot of it wrong!
mmmmmm.... bondage, how comfortable are you with that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answer - it made a lot of sense, and a lot of what you said seems to coincide with his behaviour.
Some points I ought to have clarified - I don't 'talk formally' to him about sex. I know thats not exactly the most productive way to make someone want to have sex. I generally meant just mentioning things in a sexual context or trying to get him to engage in some kind of sexy chat or online roleplay when we are apart. We used to do that a lot in the beginning, and I let him act out his fantasies with me (at least verbally anyway). Then it just suddenly stopped. Right before we could progress to the 'real thing'.
I haven't made my boyfriend wait long - i don't think I have made that point clear, and I never used the words 'I want to wait' exclusively to him. The waiting for sex sort of materialised by itself because, as you say, he is a respectful sort of guy. He wouldn't force me, and I know that I would never be forced. My mindset was fixed on staying a virgin until i knew him better, yes, and for me that didnt take too long. I never put 'restrictions' upon him and I feel kind of like you are implying that its my fault that this hasn't progressed, though I am sure you don't mean it as blunt as that.
For the record, I AM the one who chases a future sex life. Always have been. He likes his girls to be submissive, so I feel being the predator contradicts that desire and thats why he doesnt like it; he moves my hand away or just generally doesn't pursue it. I asked him once if he ever liked taking on the submissive role and he said he had tried it, but hated it. If he has fears about my perceptions of his sexual performance, imagine how I feel!
The main issue is just as you said it is - he hopes if we dont talk about it, i'll forget all about it. He has gotten used to the fact that we don't have a sexual relationship and just accepts that. To be fair though, that fact is 50 per cent his doing as well. No matter what efforts I made, they met no response. After at least six months of trying to get it going, it's not working.
I didnt expect, and never would expect, my boyfriend to feel as though he 'sacrficed' his sex life for our relationship. He volunteered into our relationship; he wasn't coerced to stay with 'his virgin' and wait until 'she' was ready if he hadn't wanted to, and that was made clear from the onset. I told him I was a virgin merely due to the fact that, given his advanced sexual practices like you picked up on, it was hardly fair to keep it secret and because I didn't feel I had to be ashamed that I hadn't slept with anyone before I met him. I lost my dad at the time I was beginnign to start dating and things were sort of halted. When I wanted to date again, I was older and I met my boyfriend. I was honest with him, but it wasn't like I was waiting on a marriage proposal.
I think that you are totally right in thinking he may feel overwhelmed by my virginity and just doesn't know how to get past it without, well, just getting on with it really. But if I have tried seducing him, and talking to him doesnt work..what is going to work? I seriously am losing all faith now.
Thanks for your insight though. I can see that its all very logical and so much of it has struck a cord.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
OK.. It's the virginity... He's bloody scared out of his mind so he's running away. Try and see it from his point of view.
He's a guy who has had adventurous sex, he's done bondage, which is what I call advanced sexual practice, something that a lot of people think of as a perversion. The girls he's had sex with before were probably all knowledgeable, he didn't have to worry about offending him, they all knew the score.
Then he meets you, a virgin, who is happy to stay one. He likes you, hell he loves you, so he has no problem cutting out sex from your relationship. He's a big boy, he's not a man or a beast, he can find substitutes, he can respect your wishes and leave you alone. That takes a hell of a lot of training to do that. But he dose it, where your concerned, he is now sexless....
So he enters the world of fantasy sex and masturbation. No touching sex with open minded people. Orgasms are quick and the sex talk is all knowing. He knows this world, and it's comfortable for him. He can wait, he's managed to control his body and mind and his relationship to sex. He's a good man, he is respectful to his virgin girl. He can't touch you in private, too dangerous, but he can touch you as much as he wants when your in public. He gets used to this life.
Then his virgin starts to want sex... ahahahahaha.. world disturbed.. how dose he handle it. Suppose he hurts her and she is mentally scared for life. Supposed he's crap and she starts to hate sex. Suppose he disgusts her and she laughs and turns away... Tooo many risks, porn and virtual sex is much more easier. If he doesn't talk about sex with his virgin, then she'll forget all about it.
It's hard to demand a man go sexless, then tell him to suddenly change his thinking and become a sex god... It takes a hell of a lot of mental powers to avoid sex with your girlfriend. To expect him to change now, because you've changed, is a bloody big step, as big as the first one (non-sex) they he had to take. He's not a tap, you can't just turn him on and off, and expect him to perform. He's a human being with feelings, emotions, desires and wants, insecurities and fears, just like you do.
Solution: STOP BLOODY TALKING ABOUT SEX... he's already comfortable in the world of no touching, talking and writing. Your giving him too much time to think... Put yourself on the line, just like he did. He's now the virgin, pure and sexless. You have to become the predator, the man, you got to chase him and turn up the heat. So no more talking.
SEDUCE HIM... Turn off lights, change into sexy red thing, which shows your ass.. cuddle up, start kissing neck, make your hands stray to all his sensitive places... try and make it hard for him to be arround you, because your constantly trying to tempt him and drag him into the bedroom..
You know what I think he'll do.. HE'LL BLOODY RUN AWAY, cause he'll be scared.. But don't give up. You want a sex relationship, well stop waiting for him, you need to risk something too. He'll run, but he'll come back, and he'll probably be angry. But sex will now be on the menu, he'll no longer be able to ignore your sex appeal, and the fact that your ready. He'll have to deal with it, by either having sex with you, or explaining why he can't.
STOP TALKING, AND MOVE TO SEDUCTION OF SCARED MALE.
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