A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, this is not a relationship question, but it kind of is as it is to do with freinds and people. Please can you help me get some insight into this. Thank you in advance. I have recently come out of a bad relationship with a guy,( well about five months ago) and started going to the gym ( Am now fit and healthy !) doing alot more, and am really pleased with myself as I am now on the right path and taking action and doing all the stuff I ever wanted to do, plus my work life had improved dramatically since I have a new boss and basically I cannot complain at all, plus I have been out and meeting new people, dating and genrally when I wake up in the morning and happy and looking forward to another new day ( where as beofre I was depressed re: bad relationship) I cut all contact and it is working a treat. :-) However, since all this positive new me, new life stuff, I find that my tolerance levels with people that I used to be freinds with or some people that I meet have gone down dramatically. I have borken off a toxic / co - dependent freinship of sevne years and feel better about it, and other examples are I have a 'freind' that always ,messes me around with arrangements, is unreliable and tells lots of lies, and in the end I told her straight and cut it off, plus I have met a couple of other people who I feel were burning up my time talking a load of rubbish ( in my opinion) and decided to delete my Whassap account, ( I now have peace of mind) as it was constantly on and off, and it was driving me mad talking about guys, and general immature go nowhere idle chatter, plus they were very demanding of my time and asking me where I was if I had not been on line the night before. I tried to talk to them about it explaining that I need to do stuff and would be on the next day, but it fell on deaf ears, so I deleted my whassap account and feel much better for it, but am now getting constant texts. My concern is that in general that I feel frustrated and angry at people wasting my time, plus I do not take any crap from anyone anymore, and am very honest and direct now ( much to my own surprise- I have no idea where this has come from) . This is a recent change in me which is noticable and could be looked at as having a short temper. I get on very well with my work collegues, and family, and others, but outside of that I seem to not be able to tolerate any bull anymore, which in one way is good, but in another, it makes me wonder whats going on with me? Do I need to meet different types of people ? I seem to meet people with no real interests outside work and only going out and drinking to an extent. I am seroius about what I am doing and doing it seriously now ( at last) I am hoping it is just that, as the anger I feel when I do come across the bull or people start with it, surprises me in intensity. It's like I am not scared anymore of saying the truth , and I certainly no longer feel guilty about pointing things out when needs be. Can someone tell me whats going on? I feel like these kind of people are irritants these days, and small minded and its driving me insane as they wil not give up and in genral I feel like exploding at times when I see people bullying others, racsist comments, homophobia, shallow chat, timewasting, manupulation etc - I just say it as it i, but the good thing is is that I am pressing ahead lifewise. I was accused of having a short temper etc, when I asked someone to stop bulling me and winding me up, and am unsrue as to what to do, as it seems to be a regault theme in my life now. I do not have problems meeting people or making freinds, but I cant stand bull anymore. I am finally getting on with my life as is shoud be now. Has anyone been through this? is this to be concerned about? or it is just a change period I am going through ? Please advise. Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2015): My boyfriend and I are athletic and we eat right. So we look years younger than our true age. So young guys hit on us. Our gay male friends our age and older, tend to show a little jealousy; and do make some off-comments that we attribute to envy. They disguise them as jokes. We both are pretty tough, so we take it in stride. We don't show-off as a couple, but when you change or grow; people take notice.
When I got dumped the year before I met my guy, and went through a rough time emotionally; only a few stuck by me and took care of me. While others distanced themselves; because they wanted me to be on call for favors, advice, or to keep them company when their social calendars got skimpy. I just wasn't emotionally or intellectually available. I was healing and under maintenance. My "under renovation" sign was up. Now I'm under new management.
So I relate to your posts.
I made a few life-adjustments. I always say, it's the quality of friends you have; not the quantity. I have a lot of people I can call friends, but there are a few I truly love and rely on. They'd be my side in a heartbeat through a crisis. Same for me when they need me. I'm the type to be loyal for life, as long as everyone stays level-headed. I put differences aside when people need me during a crisis.
My religious and spiritual-life requires that of me.
Just expect people to be people and not be over-critical.
It's when people show patterns or obvious signs of envy or don't seem to share your joy. You back off them a little, until they adjust to your changes. They still want to be friends; they just fear you're expecting them to follow suit. To each his own, you don't have to do what I do or like what I like. It's uniqueness, diversity, and the differences I appreciate in my friends and lovers.
One of the things that scares most of us the most is change. Even changes we notice in ourselves. So that's what affect growth has on you and others around you. You'll learn to balance things and some things come with age. I'm learning everyday of my life, so I continue to grow as well. If you outgrow friends, you find new friends to grow with you; or people who are growing, and will give you a boost. Continue blossoming. Just keep it real, and don't get snooty!
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, thank you very much for your positive answers . I quite agree, and Wiseowl - I agree that it could be hormonal changes, I am lifitng weights three times a week, so this may have caused some changes!! Will get it checked out. It's reassuring to know that I am not acting out of order, although at times I think to hold on to my new found freedom, I may have over done it. I will tone it down. I also understand the fairweather freinds thing, but am also finding that frustrating these days too and yes, am probably expecting to much, but am not in a ' Lifes a party all the time' frame of mind these days. ( although I do love going out partying, and party hard I do when I do!) I am just enjoying pressing on with my projects at last. I will try to be the kindhearted patient person I would like to be in future. I think also what has shocked, surprised me and hurt me the most is the jealousy I am now coming across from former freinds and other people I know. I find that very difficult to deal with and have no way of dealing with it , so I get short tempered instead. I also see it as a sign that I am making progress, but boy it hurts when the comments start coming eg: my 'freind' glared at me and walked out on me in two clubs when I was dancing and socializing and I went running off behind her like an idiot, but found it hard to deal with. Another freind also told me that I have problems mixing with women, this is because eveytime we go out now I meet men. Lots of them. This has not happend to me before, and I am enjoying it, but not in a conceited or arrogant way. I now get bitchy comments from women and some men I have known for years. it feels like they hate me, but when I chuck the towel in and start distancing myself, they still want to be my freind and hound me with text messages etc. It does not make sense. Now I have cut them off, I am kind of out on a limb, but I have faith that things will work out and will contiune to move forward meeting new people, and forging ahead. This is the firt time in my life I have actually started really looking after MYSELF for a change. It may sound churlish, but it's the first time I am eating health foods 90% of the time, keeping fit, doing my nails, hair, face scrubs, and all that kind of stuff that I did not do before , as I was too wrapped up in an abusive relationship. I literally let myself go, and had no confidence t, and beofre that , did not think I was worth anything much. I did not even go out anywhere much , or do anything. This has caused my vibration to change, and the good side is, things are on track and it's exciting, but the downside is as the above. Getting out of that relationship had freed up alot of energy. I will see where this path takes me and try to be more patient and find a better way of dealing with any nasty stuff thrown my way, as it surely will be, in future. xx Than you very much, xx :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): It could be the German side of you coming out, if you are German at all. German culture is almost too honest and can be off-putting at first. They speak their minds and appreciate others who do the same. Find some Germans and see if you fit in!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): You're evolving and maturing. When that happens; old habits, old friendships, and old nonsense gets re-evaluated.
You reassessed your surroundings, and you clean house. You dump and eliminate those things, behaviors, or people you realize cause you concern and irritation. Maybe you may have allowed a lot of junk to slide; because you were just too worn-out by a deteriorating and sour relationship. Consider the possibility that you may have been too passive; and allowing far too much foolishness to run your life. Now you find yourself purging like crazy! Been there and done that, girlfriend!
You're getting a taste of assertiveness. It gives you a strong sense of freedom and lifts a lot of weight off your shoulders. Yet, it may not all be coming from a good place.
Be careful, because you don't want to adopt arrogance; or an air of self-righteousness. Adopt a bad attitude and you'll be losing friends!!! These people were/are your friends; and maybe you're changing and they're not. So they make you fear regression after all the hard-work to move forward. Back to the time and place when your life was so unhappy and depressing. When you felt powerless and at the mercy of everything going wrong in your life. Mostly him!
You are also taking notice of things that they often got away with; because you held your tongue in pacifism in order to keep the peace. Political-correctness will eventually wear at your last nerve. So frazzled nerves are also a part of it. You have to be disciplined and poised; because everyone has quirks and says dumb things that will rub you the wrong way. Don't let it get to you.
Also have your hormones checked and get tested for diabetes. You have been working out and made some drastic changes health-wise; so the body and mind will react or respond to these abrupt changes in your life-style. Including an early onset of menopause. Don't be offended; some women in their 30's do undergo early hormonal changes, and it does affect their temperament. Even changing birth-control prescriptions!
Most of all, it is also a sign of post traumatic stress syndrome from that bad relationship. It will subside with time; because a breakup leaves a lot of lingering symptoms that manifests in so many unexpected ways. I'm speaking from personal experience here, as well.
I too have "cleaned house" of acquaintances who tend to take advantage and hardly reciprocate kindness or patience. People quick to criticize, slow to compliment; and intolerant of constructive-criticism, or too easily offended. I disdain prejudice! Those first to go were gossips and back-stabbers. Smiling to your face, sitting at your table and enjoying your hospitality; only to bitterly discuss you and your mate the minute your back is turned.
Ready to gut and eviscerate you the minute you have the gall to say "no!" If you upset me, or I don't like something you've done; I at least have the balls to pull you aside and go one on one; before I talk about you behind your back.
You have to weed the garden from time to time; but don't make enemies. You had better be prepared to take what you dish out!
Just slowly ease away, fill your time with new people; and/ or abruptly drop those who deliberately cause you irritation. Explain in a decent tone why. They deserve to know.
You must use diplomacy and temperance no matter how "short" your temper is. That's a sign of grace, patience, and decency. It's easy to let your bitterness and frustration from your past disguise itself as discernment. You may be judging others unfairly. Meanness can slide in there very easily; so if it feels wrong, listen to the alarms and self-control mechanisms embedded in your conscience.
Unlike family, you get to choose your friends. Cutting ties with bad relationships, or extensions of bad relationships, is a sign of your growth and maturity. As long as you're not snubbing people and becoming conceited.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 September 2015):
 I think you're fine, and I'll tell you why:
You are okay with co-workers and your family. This shows that you haven't let baggage corrupt your entire outlook on things.
However, part of what's bothering you is that you're subconsciously linking your non-work/family friends to your relationship you just got out of. 7 years is a long time, and now that you're free of that (and good for you!), you may not realize it, but you're associating the frustrated, "had enough" feelings to EVERYONE in that circle or close to that circle, and not just the guy you rightfully jettisoned. Your life outside of work was intertwined with your relationship. It happens - you have similar circles of friends, similar hangouts, similar habits, and as his influence has been ebbing away in the past 5 months, you're looking at your life with different eyes.
I'm guessing you feel like the past 7 years was a waste of your time and life, and that's natural. You're feeling like some of your friends aren't the friends you thought they were. You're also not putting up with the BS you did because they were in your mutual circle of friends. That's fine too.
Also, now that you've finally put the boot to your ex, I like to call it the "clean house" syndrome. What that means is - here's the analogy:
Say you realize your carpet at home is nasty, old, and you want to get rid of it, so you had beautiful hardwood floors put in. It takes awhile, but once they're in, you notice two things: One, the floor looks extremely beautiful. Two, now, the walls, furniture, windows, even the smell of the rest of your house seems dirty and dingy, so you decide and replace EVERYTHING - you repaint the walls, buy new and better matching furniture, buy new rugs, have the windows professionally cleaned, and even put in a new fireplace.
See what I mean? You got rid of the nasty carpet (your ex), and now you're seeing how dingy the rest of your social life is in comparison to the now beautiful freedom you are experiencing.
Go slowly. Definitely get rid of what's holding you back in life, but REPLACE it with new interests, new friends, and even new kindness from within yourself. Instead of getting pissed, short-tempered, and short-fused, become someone who wants others to experience the freedom you now feel. BE the kindness, patience, open-hearted person without taking the BS. Do the full inner refurbishing, and not just tearing down what doesn't work. People aren't perfect, yourself included. Keep a level head.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2015):
 First of all GOOD for you to walk away from a relationship you knew was unhealthy! That takes quite a bit to do.
I think your journey these past 5 months have been one of personal empowerment. You have found that YOU really ARE the center of YOUR universe, and that you are NOT willing to take crap from people you don't "have" to take crap from (family is another matter, we all know that).
You are now trying to cut or trim the "bad fat" from your life to continue this empowerment and personal growth.
BUT here is where it can be a bit more complicated, because JUST because you have found a center in your life doesn't mean that all those around you are keeping up or can relate.
So maybe, you are expecting too much from certain people? Not everyone in your life is going to be a GREAT and INTIMATE friend who can carry marvelous conversations and give and take evenly. Some are "fair weather friends" (aka acquaintances more than actual friends) - those are the one you occasionally go out to lunch, a bar or a movie with. It's not serious or super personal, but they CAN (some at least) enrich your life and you can in turn enrich theirs. That doesn't mean you should "trim" them because they aren't your bosom buddies. So be aware that having BOTH friend and acquaintances can be good for you.
Now to the people who are just takers, who are no-shows and generally add nothing positive to your life, FEEL free to "cut them off/trim them" out of your life. If they can't take the "hints" (like you deleting your chat app) tell them, I'm currently focused on getting my life back on track and I don't have time to give to our friendship, so I'm moving on without you in my life. I wish you well. Then if they STILL don't get it... block them.
the short temper issue you mention, again I think it's because you have found that YOU too can have boundaries, that it's VERY OK for you to stand up for yourself and people around you... well, they aren't sure how to deal with this "new you". If they were "used" to be able to bully you into doing things for them or with them, of course they DO NOT like this change - and well... TOUGH cookies to them.
YOU get to decide what and who you want in your life. So I wouldn't be overly concerned about putting your foot down when you feel THAT is the right move for you. However, don't let it escalate, it's not worth it.
It's YOUR life, and you CERTAINLY should have a say in whom you want around you and whom you can do without.
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